I hate Walmart. I just do.
It was a college kid’s paradise back in the day, and I agree wholeheartedly with anyone who feels it is a postgrad’s paradise, as well. Walmart is truly a one-stop shop where you can buy anything your broke little heart desires and still wind up having enough money to celebrate with those kindred spirits around you at happy hour. I’m a proponent for the change of Walmart’s slogan from “Always low prices. Always,” to “Buy your own meth lab here!” with a bright red, neon arrow flashing and pointing directly to the front door.
Anything is possible at Walmart. That exact reason leads me to my list of the top five reasons (out of many, I assure you) of why I fucking hate that place.
1. The people.
The fucking people. If you’ve ever wanted a commentary on the “Walmartians” you can see at any given moment at PeopleOfWalmart.com, then you’re in for a treat today. I understand the logic behind the name “Walmartians,” but the -martian part of the word is so spot-on accurate that it deserves it’s own honorable mention, as it proves we are not alone. These people HAVE to be from a completely different planet, because there is no way you and I, as completely functioning members of society, actually coexist with these people in the real world. These are the same people who decide to showcase what special kind of crazy they are at Walmart. These are the same people who could make you feel good about yourself when your makeup from last night is smudged all down your face, your false lashes still hanging on by a thread, and the vomit you so happily produced all morning is something you’re wearing as a bib. These are the same anarchists who park their carts in the middle of a 6-foot wide aisle. These are the same people who, if a slow-burn fire began in the automotive department and they were on their unnecessary motorized scooters in the candy aisle at the front of the store, would die. Not only would they refuse to get off their unnecessary motorized scooters because they can WALK AWAY from the candy they don’t need and die, but they would fuel the rapid hate fire that is now Walmart with their natural body oils that have accumulated on their person since their shower last August. I hate you. I hate that you feel it’s totally cool to tuck your tits into your jogging pants and wear it as a one piece jumpsuit. I hate that you and your fucking scooter are alwaysalwaysalways in my way, no matter how hard I try to get away from you. I hate that you’re too lazy for Walmart. But, I love that you people make me look and feel like I just won Miss Universe every time I step through the door.
2. You always leave feeling borderline homicidal.
You people who think you have it all figured out with “the perfect time” to go to Walmart-GTFO. You can go at 7 a.m. on a Tuesday, 2:30 p.m. on a Thursday, 10 p.m. on a Friday, or 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning, but you’re going to leave with a rage so true and deep that you’ll carry it with you all the way home. There is always some person or something that just pisses you off like a 24-hour drive thru being closed at 3 a.m. when you’re drunk as piss.
3. There’s too much to choose from.
I can’t even deal. You go in for one product (i.e., shampoo) but you wind up staring at two adjacent walls of shampoo with keratin and jojoba oil and shit that makes your hair smooth or curly or wavy like the beach. Then you have to buy conditioner. Just give me, like, three options. Then you have to pick up a few grocery items and they have the sulfate-free option and what the fuck does that even mean?
4. You lose your entire afternoon.
Thanks to no. 3, you wind up spending much more time than originally anticipated in the throes of Walmart decision-making and discovery-and it turns into your entire day. You walk into some space/time continuum and forget who you are, where you are, what you came for, your purpose in life, and that you have an ability called “self control.” You travel into different dimensions entirely (the same dimensions I assume the Walmartians are from) oohing and ahhing at shit you don’t want-nay, need.
5. You never leave with what you went in for.
When you are finally freed from the hell that is Walmart, two things have just happened. The first is that for every one thing you bought, you left with five more. You also probably completely forgot what you went for in the first place. Go ahead, write a list you won’t use. I’ll wait. Why I hate Walmart reason no. 304: even with its “Always low prices” slogan, I still leave with a negative balance in my bank account. You leave “Walmart poor.” Have you ever been “Walmart poor?” If you have, you know what rock bottom feels like.
3, 4, and 5 wouldn’t be relevant if you knew how to shop like a guy.
I remember my first beer.
This is intense
The worst store I ever set foot in was a Walmart in California, followed near as no difference by a Costco and Target in California. As they say in real estate, location, location, location. You just live in a town with a bunch of shitbirds.
Someone clearly hasn’t discovered the Wal-Mart brand golden double stuff sandwich cookies that are superior to Oreos at 2/3rds the price.
Do you use the one on scottsville or old morgan town rd?
Busy v. Janky: the battle of “which one am I closest to?”
Preach Ms Sayers. Nothif makes you question if you’re still on earth like Saturday afternoon at a Walmart Supercenter 20 minutes outside St. Louis. It’s like a caricature of rednecks that make you wonder if you’ve stumbled into some macabre freakshow
Do what I do now/did in college, Sayers. I hate Walmart too, I only go if I have to. Hit up the Dollar General/Fred’s/Family Dollar, etc. Pretty much has all the basic food/toiletry needs without all the big lines since they’re much smaller in size with comparable prices. The employee incompetence is still there and god help you if you stuck behind someone paying with EBT/coupons because it takes forever. The more you know.
Poor people, fat people, and minorities are the only three reasons I need to not shop there.
Since when is Target any better?
Since they opened more than 2 checkouts at one time. I also don’t find myself wondering who in line has killed someone when I’m at Target.
1- Walmart has self checkout lines which is basically a fast pass, since 95% of the people there don’t have a clue on how to operate them.
2- “I also don’t find myself wondering who in line has killed someone when I’m at Target.” No, you just sit and wonder which one will be stealing your credit card info after checkout.
Self-checkout works unless you have something that requires an ID (medicine, alcohol, any office supplies that middle schoolers have decided to sniff). Self-checkouts sometimes move slower than the other lines because most Walmartians have the intelligence of my 9 year old neighbor.
I guess I deal with a special breed of “Walmartian” who is self-aware of their stupidity and avoids the self-checkout lines like the plague. There are always multiple lanes open at mine.