So I’m single. It’s not a new thing. I’m a veteran in the single game. People always ask me why I’m single and I’m like, “I don’t know.”
The truth is, meeting a man after college is not the easiest thing to do. You hear the phrase, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” but it seems to me that I’m fishing in more of a koi pond than a sea. It’s slim pickings, and I spend most of my time looking for rings on fingers. There is also that fact that I’m picky. You (and my mother) could make the argument that I shouldn’t be so picky since I don’t exactly have gentlemen callers lining up at my doorstep, but I have a problem with any man who works out at the gym with his shirt off.
So at this time in my life when my options are lowering and so too should my standards, I hereby vow that I will NOT date any guy who:
- Wears cargo shorts, cargo pants, or jeans skinnier than my own.
- Takes issue with the fact that I spend half my weekend drinking and the other half on a Netflix binge.
- Makes a habit of eating kale.
- Is shorter than me.
- I “met” on Tinder.
- Has ever voted/would ever vote for for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- If his hair is long enough to braid, straighten, or curl.
- Drives a VW Beetle, The Cube, PT Cruiser, a Smart Car, FJ Cruiser, or MINI Cooper.
- Puts bumper stickers on his car.
- Keeps the temperature above 74 degrees.
- Has never shot a gun.
- Incorporates words like “yolo,” “playa,” or “swole” into his daily vocabulary.
- Has a cat, or worse yet, cats.
- Has a pet snake.
- Texts in code. (srsly - 4RL)
- Does not appreciate the beauty of the American flag. Or anything American for that matter.
- Drives a lifted truck.
- Genuinely likes Twilight.
- Puts on a unitard and then proceeds to grope/hump other men from the back. Also known as “wrestling.”
- Decorates his walls with posters of naked chicks.
- Wears a wife beater in public.
- Considers camping in an RV or camper as the same thing as in a tent.
- Doesn’t hold a deep respect for *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys.
- Would respond in the affirmative to the question “Would you like to go to a Fall Out Boy concert?” Fall Out Boy can also be substituted with Nickleback.
- Can’t see the brilliance behind reality TV shows like Duck Dynasty and Amish Mafia.
- Refuses to join in when I begin lying about my identity to strangers.
- Frequently orders drinks that have a rhyming name or ones that require multiple fruit garnishes (unless it contains whiskey).
- Drinks anything pinky up.
- Doesn’t really like beer.
- Admittedly cried during The Notebook.
- Only reads books written by JK Rowling.
- Orders any kind of meat “well done.”
- Takes offense when he is the butt of the joke.
- Hums.
- Uses SportsCenter as his only source of news.
- Claims to be “gluten free.”
- Has serious conversations about a “possible zombie apocalypse.”
- Quotes song lyrics or inspirational quotes in his Facebook status.
- Uses a picture of his car as his profile picture.
- Chews with his mouth open.
- Argues that pranks only hurt people.
- Is rude to waiters.
- Wears AXE body spray.
- Believes that bottomless mimosas ruin him for the rest of the day.
- Doesn’t understand the cultural significance of shows like Friends, Sex and the City, and Law and Order SVU.
- And, most importantly, I cannot date anyone who has ever owned a fedora. Ever.
See you on eHarmony.
I signed up for this website just so I could say that you’re a fucking moron.
Haha. again, with feeling.
I also signed up for the same reason. Please stop. This article just makes you look like a dumb-hoe.
I feel like a lot of these are contradictory.
She wants a manly man who doesn’t like Twilight, but then she wants a guy who also likes the Backstreet Boys? Yeah, she’s an idiot.
I got pissed after #17 and stopped reading, I thought 1-16 were super reasonable. All downhill after that, unfortunately.
Of course Texas gets but hurt about lifted trucks being lame.
I used to have a BMW but I needed to tow shit, like a boat and snowmobiles, so go fuck yourself, softly.
agreed
Well…the author is a woman.
Have fun with your house full of cats.
Going to stop you there, please refer to standard #13. The writer dislikes cats, and cat-owners.
Good catch
Well, I’m out….
Me too… dang
I feel like you’re just describing a high schooler… No wonder you’re single.
I’d rather Arnold than Obama.
Of course it’s not just SportsCenter, they came out with Fox Sports 1.
This.
Good luck
I thank you
Wow… While some of these are legit reasons not to date a guy, I have to say that if these really are your expectations… well then enjoy being single for the rest of eternity!
My List:
1) Laughs at my shitty Jokes
2) In decent shape
3) Has a vagina
Not sure where you are hanging out, but the “Drama Club Gay Bar” is not one for picking up guys.
I’ll see you on the other side of 30 when you drop nearly all of these “standards.”
So close…but to not tear up while watching The Notebook…come on now!!!
They can’t have a lifted truck but they need to have shot a gun….. Okayyyyy
I bet you are single
Please refer to first sentence.
I read absolutely none of this, but I don’t trust any woman whose list of dating rules are longer than the Ten Commandments.
I. Am. Dying. Over how offended all these boys are.
But… But… Some random girl on the internet has a list of expectations on her perfect boy and I don’t fit! My mom always said I was perfect!!!
You and me both
47. I put up all these barriers for men because I really prefer women.
I see your problem, standards 23 and 24 contradict the rest of your list.
hums? seriously? you don’t need to lower your standards - you need to reconsider your definition of the word itself
Serial killers hum
A Capella!
Like…what do you guys find more offensive? The fact that you do fall under these standards, the fact that you don’t, or the fact that your ballsacks are wound so tight that you can’t take a joke?
That I read all 46. like I would be able to meet all of someone’s standards, even if they only had two standards. Fuck it.
This really isn’t that picky, most guys I know would fit the bill
Most guys you know “have a deep respect for nsync and backstreet boys”
Alrighty.
BOOM
Not even disagreeing with most of these, but such a detailed list is a red flag in and of itself. Enjoy the quality time you’ll be spending with your cats.
Oh shit, never mind, you don’t like cats. Well you’re just shit out of luck then.
dogs?
Horses for sure.
Axe is still a thing?
What if I went 46/46* on here? Depending on your height…
In the words of Joey… “How YOU doin’”
Wow, I thought I’d met my future wife and then I hit #17 “Drives a lifted truck.” I mean, there’s lifted, and then there’s idiotic. Are F150 Raptors considered “lifted” or am I just grasping for straws here?
PS: You had me at hating on FJ/PT Cruisers.
The fucked up thing is that a prius with a gunrack would be an acceptable alternative.
….wait. you like PT Cruisers?
no? I meant I’d immediately considered wifing up when she hated on them.
I doubt she understands what lifted means.. probably referring to >6” body lifts. If my Tacoma didn’t have a 3” lift i don’t think you could consider it a truck..
Sure, but 6″ lift kits on an F150 also look a little ridiculous. However, a 4door shortbed doesn’t look right until you have a leveling kit and 35′s.
Yeah i’m not endorsing 6” lifts.
This conversation is exactly why that standard exists
Sorry for doing manyly shit like restoring a Jeep as a hobby. And no, I don’t jam BSB while wrenching. That said, however, we would get along.
Gross! Don’t tell me you would rather a “low-rider”
Those are also a no.
So “46 standards on dating and counting” would be more accurate?
Hmm 46/46, and I saw the backstreet boys in Vegas a couple months back. One of the best shows I’ve ever seen
Unless you’re taller than 6’3″, I guess
Nailed it. 46/46. Does TFM News count as a reliable source?
47. Lashes out unnecessarily and anonymously on HUMOR sites.
You get me
So, what are your plans this weekend?
Please refer to #2
Depends on what your watching on Netflix.
# 2 was the best one on the list. I have a serious Netflix problem.
I like your style, and a girl who knows what she wants is one of my top criteria.
I don’t date anyone who refers to themselves as in their “twenty nothings”…Similar to how you have in your little bio.
You’re not picky, you’re fucking impossible. Come back when you know the meaning of “standards.”
Wow, I’m surprised I satisfied all but two of the criteria. A good deal on cargo shorts (about $5 per pair) and all of the people I happened to know who liked NSYNC were f***ers. Good luck on your man search, but here’s a top tip: the bottle in your picture may not help.
I didn’t even have to read this. Your problem isn’t content, it started much before that. 46? Are you serious?
hahahha fuck Pt cruisers
With the exception of #25 (I grew up near Amish country and can’t get past the fact how absurd it is) I might be the perfect man for you.
You had me until duck dynasty
This year, it’s 46 standards.
Next year, it’s 30.
The year after that, it’s down to 2: they have a pulse, and they look like they shower regularly.
Actually, scratch that remark. These are goofy (not in a bad way), and it’s not as if everyone doesn’t have their own crazy-large, internal list of “must-have’s” when it comes to dating.
I would be sincerely interested in seeing a guy who doesn’t a single one of these. Oh wait: that’s Reddit.
I too just created an account specifically for this article. Just know that when you reach 30ish the first junior exec that looks decent in a suit and winks at you will blow the crap out of your list and “46 Standards” will change to…”yeah he’ll do”.
I think its pretty obvious why you haven’t and most likely will never find someone.
Call me.
If you can concede that 45 is overdoing it, we can move on and schedule this first date. I still don’t do eHarmony
Wondering how I can claim all these qualifications, and implement them on my on-line dating profile.
Can’t drink with your pinky out? But that’s what Tony Sinclair does!
You cool with dipping? If so, we should mate.
#19 is the only one I violate.
How can you not like a wrestler? Greco-Roman wrestlers should be to women what gymnasts and dancers are to guys. Max flexibility and strength.
“wrestlers should be to women what gymnasts and dancers are to guys.”
They’re not.
In my experience, what’s most important when searching for a partner is to find someone whom you can honestly say that you admire and respect, and who feels the same way about you. Mutual admiration and respect provide the foundation for the kind of strong and lasting friendship that needs to underlie any long-term relationship and/or marriage.
I’m not sure why you’re listing all of these superficial characteristics as reasons you would break up with someone, but I hope that this is mostly a joke, and that in reality, your goal in dating is to eventually let yourself get close enough to someone that you can find out whether they admire and respect the most important qualities about you-whether they love you for the person you really are, with all your virtues and all your flaws-and whether you feel the same way about them. If that ever does happen, I think you’ll find that most of these things aren’t true dealbreakers. But you probably already know this.
Anyway, best of luck in your search, Annie.
Why all the downvotes? Because you think this is bad advice, or because you’re not looking for a serious relationship?
i’m obsessed with this