Do you check your e-mail the moment you wake up from a short, restless slumber? Are your friends and family asking if you’re still alive because you’ve been absent from basic interactions with human beings? Do you relate all to well to Dilbert comics? Is your daily consumption of coffee spiraling out of control?
You may be experiencing a work-heavy lifestyle that’s causing your social life to drop out of existence. If you’re seeing any of these symptoms, commit yourself to the nearest Happy Hour and consume at least sixteen ounces of fluid every half hour, until you cannot remember your title.
1) Your go-to response to a “how’s it going” question is, “pretty good, on that corporate grind.”
2) You find yourself sitting at your cube well past the time you should have left; just “killing time.”
3) The majority of your social life revolves around plans with people from your work.
4) You’re living vicariously through other people’s eventful lives, even though they do the same exact thing you do.
5) The idea of marriage or a family seems absurd considering the progression of your professional career at your current employer.
6) You humble-brag stats about your company as a filler for things you should be saying about your own life.
7) The most eventful thing you’ve done in the last six months involves an out-of-state work trip.
8) You talk about how you pity people in “fly-over” states.
9) You constantly contemplate re-doing your business casual wardrobe, even though there isn’t a thing wrong with it.
10) You think that microwave meals are the ideal solution for the busy young professional, but you like to think you could be eating better.
11) “Corporate” jargon has magically appeared into your everyday vocabulary.
12) You think that PowerPoints aren’t boring, but rather a necessity for getting to the point.
13) You’ve contemplated using PowerPoint for serious life decisions and explanations, such as a break-up or a proposal for social plans.
14) Sports are your go-to small talk filler, but you don’t really follow one team religiously.
15) You’ve done a breakdown of your future expenses in an Excel spreadsheet, because you think the formatting is more thorough.
16) You believe that people who do not have ALT-key shortcuts memorized are casuals.
17) You open your work laptop at least three times on the weekends, just to “check e-mail.”
18) You’re still using a BlackBerry.
19) Your Netflix queue consists of shows that revolve around a workplace, primarily The Office or Mad Men.
20) You see loafers as a business alternative for comfort, but you think you won’t be taken seriously unless you wear oxfords.
21) You irrationally judge people who wear loafers.
22) The idea of a vacation longer than a week seems asinine.
23) You think you should be taking the stairs to your office, but you don’t want to be later than someone else on your team.
24) You constantly check your phone for e-mails or work-related texts that never come.
25) You’ve mulled over the idea of a phone holster, but you don’t want to be “old-fashioned.”
26) At least one of your Instagram posts is work-related- either a shot of your cubicle or out the window, if you’re that fortunate.
27) You’re a vindictive judge of “business casual.”
28) You’ve mastered the level of weekday drinking that’s the perfect medium of “drunk, but not too drunk, drunk enough to feel better, but not drunk enough to feel like shit the next day.”
29) Tumi taste, Samsonite budget.
30) Your everyday briefcase is packed for “emergency flights out” that never, ever happen.
31) You’ve been told you work too much by more than one person.
32) You talk shop to everyone regardless of their knowledge of what you do.
33) The DINK lifestyle is the dream for you, but you secretly want to be a cool dad.
34) You’ve imagined yourself driving a performance SUV because it’s the perfect mix between “hard-worker sports car” and “useful utility vehicle.”
35) Always remembering your dry cleaning, but never remembering your friend’s birthdays.
36) Your favorite Twitter account is GSElevator.
37) Ten-year goals include upper management, a sun-soaked timeshare, and at least three trips to Ultra.
38) You’re still grasping what your “place” at your company is.
39) The longest parts of the day seem to be before 8 and after 5.
40) “Living for the weekend,” but your Outlook’s open at 8am on Saturday.
41) Nothing seems more hopeful, yet so harrowing than your upcoming review..
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