4 Myths About Lulu That Guys Need To Stop Believing


Have you ever brought up Lulu around a boy? Have you or someone you know been a victim of Lulu? Then this column is for you.

Everybody knows what this is, right? I mean, surely you know what Lulu is, unless you’ve lived under a rock the past year. Once, a man described it to me as something “created by the ugly, fat women who secretly rule the world to punish men just for being men.” Lulu is actually an app that allows women to “rate” the men around them or on their Facebook accounts. Women can give reviews of these men’s vices and virtues in hashtag form. Created by Alexandra Chong, a Chinese-Jamaican-Canadian Olympian (can’t make that shit up, although Wikipedia may have) Lulu began after an inspirational Valentine’s Day date. It sparked the idea to talk shit say good things about guys without sharing information on Facebook. So, she used Facebook to share information like pictures, age, and current relationship status. LOGIC.

While that may have been the original intent of Lulu, it has since evolved into something way more shallow and less detrimental to male egos everywhere. What do I mean? Well, boys think their rating is unfair. Boys think their negative reviews are libelous smut, yet their positive reviews are spot-on accurate. They think their reviews have something to do with their dry streaks. Some of them even think Lulu could have an impact on their jobs.

Boys think their rating is unfair.

Life isn’t fair. Suck it up. That being said, let’s take a moment to evaluate how your ratings average out. You take a hookup home with you after a night at the bars. After drunken sex and some awkward, sober small talk, she gives you a fair rating for the one night of passionless sex you shared. There is probably also the girl who has a not-so-secret crush you–she gives you false 10s on everything because “OMG you’re perfect.” Your ex-girlfriend may have reviewed you, and your relationship ended about as well as David Chase ended “The Sopranos.” If you have a current girlfriend, hopefully she’ll give you good ratings. You also probably have a close friend who would obviously rate you decently high. Finally, there’s your ex-girlfriend’s best friend, who hates your guts and hopes you die. In a fire. Today. If you still have a poor rating after all that, maybe it’s not us.

Boys think their reviews are libelous.

Well, unless it’s the “Best” review, in which case they own that shit like a class superlative. After all, who is going to get mad at #SexualPanther, #HoldsHisLiquor, or #BigFeet? But, I’ve come to learn as a female with Lulu access, that you are not to trust the “Worst” section. As a man, I can see how you would miss this memo, but you have my permission to calm the fuck down–the rest of the female population gets it. I’ll be the first to say girls can be dumb when it comes to guys, so when I see something like #TooCoolForSchool, #ThatGuy, or #Meh, I can safely assume that somebody was like, “LOL hashtags!” It’s the ones who follow a pattern that we notice: #WanderingEye, #SketchyCallLog, #QuestionableSearchHistory. You’re a shady little bastard, aren’t you?

Boys think their dry streaks are due to Lulu and its effects.

They aren’t.

There is a special kind of boy who thinks Lulu will effect his career.

What’s going to eventually hurt your career is your conspiracy theory mindset and incapacity to take personal responsibility for yourself, crazy. Nobody in HR is going to look at your Lulu score. Nobody in HR cares if you are a #TalkDirtyPro or a #MamasBoy. And, if by some astronomical chance someone in HR does care about your Lulu score, you should really rethink your role in that company.

But, with all that being said, have you ever asked a girl how she uses Lulu? I doubt it. Most guys get hung up on the “it’s like Yelp! for your dick” aspect. Ask a girl sometime if she actually uses Lulu, and if her response is “yes,” you have my permission to run far and run fast. Sane girls don’t use Lulu. Sane girls got the app to see what everyone was talking about, sat down with it for a few minutes, creeped on a few of their closest friends and their ex for fun, and then never thought of it again. Sane girls know better than to listen to the opinions of the sheep you had a one-night stand with six months ago. I encourage staying away from any girl who actively participates in anonymously rating guys with the overuse of hashtags.

Just try not to get too cocky about it, guys. I would bet good money that sometime in the last month, you’ve said the words, “She’s a solid __.” Just because you don’t have an app for that yet doesn’t mean you don’t do it, too.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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