21 Power Moves You Can Pull In The Office Bathroom

This is a recurring PGP series. Catch up with all installments of Power Moves by visiting the archive.

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  1. Assert your dominance by releasing a loud, echoing fart no more than 10 seconds after entering the bathroom.
  2. Go full Pooh Bear at the urinal and place your hands on your hips.
  3. Exaggerate zipping up your pants by violently thrusting your hips back.
  4. Ask the person next to you if they want to play swords.
  5. Limit the conversation to the weather, golf or “the market.”
  6. Cross your legs while going number two.
  7. Loudly complain about the lack of couches in the restroom.
  8. Joke that you have an “open door policy” to the guy in the stall next to you.
  9. Call it “the lounge.”
  10. Butt slaps.
  11. Create a 90-second Snapchat story that ends with a pic of the destruction inside the bowl.
  12. When it comes to reading material, go paper version of the WSJ or go home.
  13. If you’re in a particularly quiet restroom, audibly whisper “Fucking enchiladas.”
  14. Before evacuating your bowels, say “Brace for impact.”
  15. Do not courtesy flush. Let freedom ring.
  16. Take off your shoes.
  17. Ask the guy in the next stall if he’s got “any extra wipies.”
  18. Bring a snack. If anyone asks, tell them “It’s gonna be a long one.”
  19. Baby wipes.
  20. Use your foot to flush.
  21. Never reveal the location of your secret poop spot.

Editors note: All of these will likely get you called into HR.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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