5 Things I Want To See Happen At Tonight’s Debate From Someone Who Knows Nothing About The Election

5 Things I Want To See Happen At Tonight's Debate From Someone Who Knows Nothing About The Election

I’ll just admit it – I know nothing about this election. The last time I watched a mainstream network news station was when that mouth-breathing creep was scaling Trump Tower using suction cups. And the closest thing to election coverage that I’ve intently watched was Ann Coulter bombing during The Roast of Rob Lowe. To say that I’m your typical entitled millennial voter would be an understatement. I’d say that the general public would be better served if I just didn’t vote at all, but publicly admitting you don’t vote is on par with going toe-to-toe with lactivists or making a joke about how more men watch football than women. Just begging to open yourself up to get roasted.

But with that being said, am I going to watch tonight’s debate? Absolutely, ten times out of ten. Watching a pseudo-racist dude wearing a wig battling against an email deleting candidate with a House of Cards-esque history is going to be higher comedy than any plotline Saturday Night Live could come up with. And yeah, there are a few things I’d like to see happen.

I want to see Larry David (as Bernie Sanders) do an opening monologue to break the ice.

Oh, you want millennial voters to get involved in the election? Well, outside of actually having Bernie in the race, you only have one option to ensure everyone tunes in – allow Larry David to do a quick routine as Bernie Sanders to get the juices flowing. I understand that politics are supposed to be serious because, well, lives are at stake. But much like an opening act that keeps the crowd fresh, LD dropping some scripted knowledge pre-show would get the collective crowd’s blood flowin’. Hell, I was ready to vote for Bernie solely so we could have four (or eight!) years of Larry David impersonating him on SNL.

I want to see Lester Holt do absolutely nothing as the moderator.

Answer me this: are we going to learn more about these two if they’re constantly being cutoff by a moderator abiding by time limits, or are we going to learn more by letting the dog fight transpire with no middle man? Some fights need to go down without a referee halting the cheap shots, and this is one of those fights.

Lester, if you care about showing the true colors behind these two candidates, do the following: introduce them Michael Buffer-style, list a dozen nasty things they’ve said about the opponent, and say “Go!” before dropping the mic and taking a seat in the crowd.

I want to see Gary Johnson walk in like it’s a WWE fight.

Are you telling me it wouldn’t be incredible to hear a glass windowpane breaking over the loudspeakers only to see Gary Johnson enter with two beers in his hands a la “Stone Cold” Steve Austin? Yeah, that’s what I thought. As someone who knows diddly about the election process, I don’t fundamentally understand why you wouldn’t let another candidate debate along with the big dogs, so having Gary derail this would be almost as shocking as Michael Jackson emerging from his casket at his own funeral only to perform “Thriller” on national television.

I want to see both candidates attempt to appeal to young voters while simultaneously having them look incredibly out of touch.

Need Trump dabbing. Need Hillary making Harambe references. If neither candidate hits the Quan or attempts to throw a water bottle onto their own respective podium, it’s a complete waste. I know Trump wants a wall and I know Hillary is supported by every celebrity at this year’s Emmys. But what I don’t know is why I, as a middle-of-the-road dude in his mid-20s, should I think that either of these two have my interests as their interests? If I can’t get a few fire tweets off during this debate, this whole thing is a complete wash and I would’ve been better off watching Monday Night Football.

I want to see either candidate come off as remotely likable.

Look, I’m not asking for much here. But if I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say, “I don’t want to vote for either of these two,” I’d have my student loans paid off. After all, Hillary comes off as the elementary school teacher who’s two years from retirement and clearly hates all of her students while Trump comes off as, well, Trump. The only time I’ve willingly watched either of these two do anything is when either The Apprentice was on or when Bill Clinton was doing something swaggy. Is it that hard for these two to appeal to the masses simply by coming off as likable rather than coming off as only being tolerable because they’re not the other person?

But most of all, Larry David.

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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