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After graduation, it takes some time to settle into the real world. For some people it’s a few months, others a few decades. Whether you’re part of the corporate grind, or living on a buddy’s couch and working on an alt-rock album, here are twenty things you’ll do during the difficult adjustment period into adulthood that will make you feel pathetic.
1. Google “How to boil water.”
2. Pledge to get in shape by joining a CrossFit gym, puke during your first workout, and never return.
3. Call in sick to work because you got wasted on a weeknight watching an NBA playoff game that meant nothing to you.
4. Spend your rent money at the bar, and then call your parents to ask to “borrow” some cash.
5. Take a thirty-minute nap in your car during your lunch break, and awkwardly get caught by a coworker.
6. Refuse to do the dirty dishes, and end up eating a meal with a paper towel as your plate.
7. Lie to your boss about what you did over the weekend.
8. Forget to do laundry, and end up wearing a button-down with a mustard stain on the collar to the office.
9. Lie to a member of the opposite sex about what you do for a living.
10. Heavily exaggerate to a member of your family about what you do for a living.
11. Lie to yourself about what you do for a living.
12. Forget to buy toilet paper and wipe with a Kleenex.
13. Purchase a piece of furniture from IKEA and become filled with homicidal rage when you fail to assemble it.
14. Attempt to bullshit your way through a conversation about world news with older coworkers, and look like an idiot.
15. Get completely ripped off by a mechanic because you look like you have no fucking idea how much things cost, and you have no fucking idea how much things cost.
16. Buy a terrible piece of cheap artwork for you apartment, because you’re trying to class up the place.
17. Call your mom while filling out paperwork at the doctor’s office, because she always did that for you, and you don’t know the answers to any of the questions.
18. Get a different hairstyle in an attempt to look professional, and hate yourself for two weeks.
19. Mindlessly surf the internet for enormous chunks of your workday, because you don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing.
20. Develop lightning fast reflexes to quickly close your browser window as someone approaches your cubicle.
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Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
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