Veronica recently admitted to the world that she has developed a bad case of baby fever, and as a twenty-something with a motherly instinct, I can’t blame her. Babies are sweet, and cute, and sometimes they do funny things. Even last week, I uttered the phrase “I think I want a baby” which scared my boyfriend so bad that he went out and bought me a cat to cuddle with. That being said, I also know that I am no where near the maturity level where I should even think about having children, so this is what I tell myself when that overwhelming baby fever hits me: there’s no way I could have a kid right now, and this is why…

1. Having a baby means letting something the size of a watermelon grow inside my stomach, ruin my figure, and tear up my vagina. I worked far too hard for this body to give it up that easily.
2. You can’t drink for nine months. Nine whole months without a sip of alcohol. That’s long enough to drive someone insane.
3. My boyfriend would not enjoy sucking on my nipples during sex if milk was coming out of them. That’s disgusting.
4. Babies cry…all the time – in the car, at restaurants, in the mall, at the doctor’s office, in front of the television, while you’re on the phone, before bed, while they’re sleeping, while you’re in the shower. Seriously, there’s no stopping it.
5. You have to entertain all your family and friends who want to stop by the hospital and see the baby after it’s born. And no one looks good in a hospital gown.
6. Really the only time you get to hold your child is when it’s crying because everyone else wants to hold him while it’s being good.
7. I can barely take care of the cat that I’ve had for a week. I’ve already forgotten to feed him twice. There’s absolutely no way I could remember to take care of a baby.
8. They have a soft spot. That’s like a hidden self-destruct button.
9. You will have to take an enormous amount of shit with you every time you want to go anywhere. No one can possibly pack diapers, butt cream, two bottles, a change of clothes, a car seat, six toys, an extra blanket, and a thirteen pound person into one car. And by the time you get that done, you’re probably going to be too tired to go out anyway.
10. When people are around them, they only speak baby talk. Seriously, gooo gakkkk gwaccckkk is not a language.
11. You’re essentially signing up for eighteen years of responsibility. For someone who doesn’t know where they want to be in six months, eighteen years is a lonnnggg time.
12. They cost a lot of money. Definitely more money than I have in my checking account right now.
13. For the next ten years, you can literally never leave your house without this kid. Think of all the date nights, bar nights, girls nights, etc. that you’ll miss because you’re forced to either stay at home with him or call a babysitter you can’t afford.
14. They smell bad and they poop on themselves. Even cats have enough sense to hit the litter box, but not your kid – he’s just going to do it in his diaper that you’ll have to change him while holding your nose with the other hand.
15. Kids make messes with everything. You may think your house looks like a pigsty now, but it will get infinitely times worse when you add a cradle, a swing, three walkers, a playhouse, two hundred toys he doesn’t need, and countless other senseless baby things.
16. They will spit on you and ruin your nice professional suit. And as soon as you get it dry-cleaned, they’ll do it again.
17. You will no longer know the meaning of privacy. You can’t even shit now without sitting your child in a bouncer next to the toilet.
18. Children are friendship-ruiners. No one from your college days will care to hear about how little Johnny learned to say “dad” or want to listen to Sally count to ten. You will have nothing in common with these people that were once your best friends, and soon you’ll be confined to hanging out with the parents of your kid’s friends, and trust me, they all suck.
19. By the time they turn three, “Why?” will be their favorite word in the English language. For the last freaking time kid, I don’t know why the sky is blue.
20. You’re still in debt trying to pay for your four years of college. And now you’ve got to start saving for theirs.