Michael “Squints” Palledorous had it all figured out before we did. The Wendy Peffercorn fantasy is easily the most popular fantasy among any red-blooded American male that was raised in the 1990s. “Every summer, there she is. Lotioning…oiling…OILING…lotioning…smiling…SMILING! I can’t take this no more!”
The Wendy Peffercorn fantasy is enough to send you off the deep end, literally. Not another one among us in a million years, even for a million dollars, would dare to put the moves on the lifeguard.
I couldn’t tell you how many hours I poured into playing the Tomb Raider series. I also can’t tell you how many hours I poured into fantasies about going on adventures in the Himalayas, sharing a tent, maybe drinking some hot chocolate and just making out all night with Lara Croft. Then, with the advent of DVD technology, I damn near wore out the loop function on my family’s DVD player during the shower scene of the first Tomb Raider movie with Angelina Jolie.
The Girl Next Door
Every generation has this fantasy, but with the popularity of shows like Boy Meets World, Saved By The Bell and anything with Jennifer Love Hewitt in it, the girl next door got a serious shove into overdrive in the ’90s. Every day I got home from school, hoping that my neighbor needed help with her homework, and apparently, the thirst for your neighbor never really goes away.
Another fantasy that isn’t exclusive to any generation, but the hot twins of the ’90s once again pushed the envelope of how badly people wanted to hook up with identical twins. The Olsen Twins are obviously at the forefront of this fantasy, but you can’t overlook Tia and Tamara Mowry of Sister, Sister, Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap, and I don’t think I could ever forget how I felt about the Coors Light twins. (Climbs on top of cube and shouts, “AND TWIIIIIIIIIIIINS!”)
Alright, just bear with me here. I am by no means a fan of beastiality or any weird shit like that, but there’s no denying that the geniuses at Disney knew what they were doing when they drew up the character of adult Nala. All I’m saying is that if I WERE A LION, I’d be all about Nala. Don’t lie. You would, too.
Imagine tracking down the world’s greatest international criminal, but instead of having to exit back out to MS-DOS, you became lovers and the ’90s version of Bonnie and Clyde. I’ve pictured that scenario in my head a million times.
I think we can all agree that there are going to be sex robots roaming the streets of America any day now, but until then, I’m holding out hope that they all look like fembots.
Random AOL Stranger
The best part about AOL were the hundreds of chat rooms accessible to anyone with a screen name. The mere thought of getting together with another person for an internet rendezvous was great, and sometimes you hit the jackpot with a full-blown cyber sesh. Unfortunately for you, it was probably some 50-year-old high school teacher from Idaho on the other end, not an 18-year-old cheerleader from Miami.
Disney changed the game in the ’90s. I remember seeing Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and all those classics, but something happened when the clock struck 1990. Disney’s princesses in the ’90s were scantily dressed and crazy hot, whether it was Ariel in a clamshell bra, Jasmine in a turquoise pantsuit, Belle in a low-cut, yellow ballgown, or Pocahontas strutting around in just a halter top and loincloth, Disney is likely responsible for at least 50% of my sexual discovery.
If you never dreamed about getting it on with Rachel and Monica at the same time, you didn’t have a childhood, you sick freak.