Today is my first birthday with a real job. While some of you may have had to work on your birthday before, I can honestly say that I made a point not to. As a summer birthday kid, I never had to go to class on my birthday growing up. During shitty summer jobs and internships, I always managed to take off or luck out. At worst, I think I was at football camp one year during my birthday, but at least I was with all my friends.
This year, however, I was up at 6:00am like any other day, shit, showered, shaved, and drove to work. I suppose it’s a right of passage that everyone must go through at some point, but still, here are the top 10 reasons that postgrad birthdays suck.
- No one makes a big deal about it on LinkedIn, nor do they even know it’s today.
- I’m not drunk yet.
- I have to work early tomorrow and have to drive home too, so I won’t be partying tonight either.
- 95% of my friends are out of town, so I won’t really be “partying” this weekend either.
- I considered calling off today to keep the streak alive, but really, what would I actually do? Everyone I would celebrate with also has work.
- Birthday sex got “scheduled” for last weekend while she was in town.
- The office bought donuts, immediately ruining whatever diet I convinced myself I was going to go on a couple hours ago when I woke up.
- My birthday no longer gets me special privileges, especially not from my boss if he’s in a bad mood.
- Birthday money I get in the mail no longer carries the weight it used to, since what used to be life-changing is now a bar tab. Now that money is going to help pay bills, so it’s nowhere near as exciting.
- But the worst, by far, is the realization that while I’m now a year older, even fully employed, I’m no closer to any goal I ever had for myself. My job is frustrating, my friends are scattered throughout the globe, “fun time” is marginal at best, and my bank account would be good if it wasn’t for the soul crushing amount of student loan debt I pay every month.
Looks like I’ll be spending the evening debating taking the GMAT and applying for jobs online. Maybe I’ll buy a cake and eat it alone.
You get a half-assed generic card your supervisor keeps stashed in their desk, signed by people you’ve barely spoken more than a few mundane passing remarks to.
Don’t forget, as an adult you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want. It doesn’t even have to be anybody’s birthday. Small victories.
Nah that’s just one more negative. As a kid I could probably eat pizza and cake every day and still manage to lose weight. Not so much anymore…
Poor Milton
My birthday is coming up. A few weeks ago I considered travelling somewhere or to go to the alma mater’s football game, but then I looked at flight prices… Looks like I’m staying home because I don’t have the money right now
Your office buys donuts for your birthday? At ours, you’re considered a dick if you don’t bring them in yourself.
Spot on. Had my birthday on Monday and pretty much all of these happened. Lame.
Upset nobody mentioned the creepy fucking cult like cube “happy birthday” chanting. Like it wasn’t mortifying enough being sung to normally, now it’s done by 40-somethings who sound like they’re performing a seance.
Now Now Milton
Spot on. My first working summer birthday was the first day of my new job. Didn’t tell anyone it was my bday and the day was still full of so many awkward “happy birthdays” and a cake with people I had never met.