If you’re like the rest of us, deciding what to put in your Snapchat and Instagram Stories is a very real and important daily struggle. Well, that’s all about to change. Read this list in its entirety, and then share it on at least two social media platforms with your semi-literate friends, and I personally guarantee in a not legally-binding manner that you’ll have the most talked about social media stories of all your buddies in no time. They’ll be buzzing about you in coffee shops and at spin classes!
You might be thinking: “But I live an extremely boring life void of any meaningful moments actually worthy of sharing.” That issue could not be less relevant. Social media isn’t about providing an “accurate” portrayal of your life; it’s about strategically constructing an iron curtain of smoke and mirrors that sells a totally fictitious version of you which leads others to believe you’re as luxurious and interesting as the most famous and wealthy celebrities on the planet.
Follow these simple steps and your personal brand will flourish like a palm tree in a lush oasis.
1. Take full advantage of air travel.
If you are blessed enough to travel by airplane, it’s important that you document the experience as if you are the first person to ever do so. Snap a photo or video out the window, preferably including one of the aircraft’s wings in the shot, when taking off (and then again at the apex of your flight and then again when landing) to share a captivating and unique perspective that none of your followers has ever seen before. Be sure to use the MPH filter to let everyone know exactly how fast your plane was traveling at the time. People will be blown away by that speed metric. If you’re willing to put in a little extra hard work, documenting the boarding and deboarding processes will further fascinate your audience and yield huge engagement dividends as well.
2. Utilize all available filters at your disposal.
Never post a photo or video of your actual face without a filter that turns you into a cuddly canine, sexy golden angel, flower-crowned hippy god, or one of the many other options at your disposal. Maybe your followers have seen a person eat a slice of pizza before, but have they seen a dog person eat a slice of pizza? Not bloody likely. If you’re sexually aroused by an image of a person using a dog filter, does that make you some kind of weirdo? I’m not here to answer that question; I’m here to make your story the talk of the town. I highly recommend hiring a talented graphic designer to build you an expensive custom geo-filter that is accessible from your domicile. You’ll have to pay Snapchat for this privilege, but that will be money well spent as this custom filter will let guests and neighbors know exactly how cool and important you are.
3. Don’t be afraid to get artsy.
If you’re having a particularly average day, don’t be afraid to get artsy. A puddle of water can quickly become a key 10-second slide in your story if utilized properly. Throw a black and white filter on that bitch and let it ride. Remember, art doesn’t require explanation, so don’t feel the need to caption your puddle picture. They say a picture is worth a dozen words, after all. Other rare objects such as trees and empty park benches are also great for showing just how deep and insightful you are in a non-obnoxious way.
4. Shamelessly add media directly from your camera roll to your story.
The entire point of these social media stories is to document action in realtime, but you should regularly be uploading old photos and videos directly from your camera roll regardless. This says to people, “You needed to see this despite the fact that I didn’t post it in the moment.” Need a workaround for Instagram’s pesky 24-hour rule regarding stories? Take a screenshot of an old photo and ABRACADABRA it’s brand new! You’re welcome. It should go without saying, but peppering in photos of you from your prime when you were in significantly better shape and looked younger is highly encouraged and only serves to boost your image. No one will see through this cleverly deceitful charade, because all of your followers are idiots.
5. Buy a pair of Snap Spectacles.
Let’s be honest, from time-to-time even the most experienced social media influencers feel holding a phone and pressing a button to document meaningless moments can become monotonous. That’s where Snap Spectacles come in. These sunglasses not only serve to protect your eyes from harmful UV rays, but provide a new way to add engaging content to your daily Snapchat Story. The fact that they make you look like a chic sociopath is just icing on the cake. Snap Spectacles enable you to document incredible life experiences such as eating an ice cream cone or hitting a terrible golf shot from a first-person perspective that will enthrall your followers like never before. Pick up a pair now!
6. Exploit your pets and children to no end.
Contrary to popular belief, your animals and offspring do not exist solely for companionship, to carry on your bloodline, or enrich your life experiences. These are valuable tools to be leveraged through social media for personal gain. When utilized properly, an infant human, puppy, or kitten can yield huge amounts of likes and comments. That’s why it’s important that you take out that smartphone and record your child or pet’s every move whenever they are fortunate enough to be in your presence. Everyone needs to see your cat cleaning herself. S’cute! People are clamoring for more footage of little Timmy playing with his Legos. Give the people what they want!
7. Weaponize your own sexuality.
Are you moderately attractive? Do you have at least one or two stunning features that can be harnessed for sexual attention? Perfect. Great abs, large breasts, a stunning smile — whatever it may be, you should be taking full advantage of the gifts God or a skilled surgeon gave you in order to grow your follower count and maximize likes. There is no shame in flaunting it if you’ve got it. None at all! Anyone who tells you otherwise is just jealous and ugly.
8. Show off that motor vehicle.
People need to know that you have a car and aren’t afraid to use it. Many people including lawmakers are saying it is unsafe to record with your smartphone while carelessly violating the speed limit and ripping through a school zone, and those people are called haters. They don’t want to see you shine. Be sure to let people know how in touch you are with hip-hop culture by blasting the latest Future or Young Thug song in the background while you switch lanes without signaling.
9. Don’t be afraid to take inspiration from other influencers.
If your personal documentation techniques are indistinguishable from, say, Kylie Jenner’s, your followers will have no choice but to subliminally classify you in the same celebrity tier as her. Study the most popular social media influencers in the world and regularly “borrow” their methods to align yourself with their status.
10. Put everything from your Snapchat story into your Instagram story
Whether you prefer Snapchat or Instagram, it’s important that you post all of the exact same content from each of these platforms onto the other every single day. Just because someone follows you on Snapchat doesn’t mean they don’t need to see the exact same unnecessarily long story again on Instagram. Repetition is everything!