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While walking down the aisles of your local grocery store, you can’t help but stare longingly at the jumbo sized bags of Halloween candy that are just begging you to buy them. Whether they’re for you to enjoy by yourself in the darkness of your home, or to give out to children like a normal person, is totally up to you. If you choose the latter, a critical question must be considered: which kind of candy are you going to hand out to those freeloading children? There are so many choices—too many. The paradox of choice, am I right? Well, you might be surprised, but which bag you grab says a lot about you.
Kit Kat
Be more unoriginal. Seriously, Kit Kats are great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s the kind of candy a kid grabs from a pumpkin bucket and immediately shrugs off. It makes the children say, “Meh.” It’s the median of Halloween candy. Kit Kats are to candy what your status reports are to your company: depressingly mediocre. Up your game. Respect the holiday. Don’t mock the process.
Reese’s
You take this game seriously. You’re going to give the people what they want and they’ll love you for it. Everyone loves Reese’s. Everyone expects Reese’s—it’s the golden standard of Halloween. If you don’t deliver, you can bet your bottom dollar that the neighborhood children will rise up and toilet paper the shit out of your house. Reese’s are the same price as Kit Kats, so make the right decision. Reese’s is the prime rib of Halloween candy. And no mini-sized ones, either. Full cups all the way. Don’t hold back, bitch.
Almond Joy
Reevaluate your life. I’ve lived 23 ½ years in this beautiful country and have yet to meet someone who actually liked Almond Joy. You know why? They don’t exist. Ron Swanson said it best: “Almonds give me the runs.” Do you really want to be single handedly responsible for hundreds of childrens’ abnormal bowel movements? Newsflash: those Almond Joy mini bars are going to sit at the bottom of those kids’ dressers or toy bins, never to be discovered until some years later. A sad, sad existence.
Charleston Chew
You’re old school and go against the grain of typical Halloween candies. You feel as if it is your duty to show the next generation that there are things beyond Snickers, Reese’s, M&Ms and Tootsie Rolls. You want them to think outside the box and diversify their candy haul. It may not be their favorite type of candy, but damnit, they won’t know until they try it.
Full Size Bars
You’re not fooling anyone. Did you lay-away those discount bags of candy? Did you max out your credit card? We know you can’t afford it. Only the heart surgeon down the block from my childhood house could swing that. Ironic though, that the heart surgeon was the one giving out the biggest fuel to literally stop a heart. Good for business, I guess. Learn some fiscal responsibility. God bless your company if you’re in charge of the budget. You should probably take that part out of your resume that claims you’re proficient at mathematics.
Nothing
A child dressed in a full Batman suit runs from your neighbor’s house across the street to yours. There’s a car in the driveway, a blue TV glare through the closed blinds, but all of the lights are out. The poor kid’s mother peeks in the through the gap in the blinds and sees you in your boxers watching Mad Men on the lowest possible volume. She immediately carries her kid off your property. Were you too cheap? Did you completely forget? Did you accidentally eat it all yourself? Don’t you remember what it was like as a kid to walk by a dark, empty house on Halloween? It was soul crushing. You’re crushing children’s souls. Get your act together, man. Put some effort in.
Tootsie Rolls
You’re the worst. You might as well have hung yourself on your front porch.
Respond
I am both a fan of the flavored tootsie rolls and of almond joys. If that’s so wrong I don’t want to be right.
Are you kidding me!? Kit-Kat are the shit
Second that thought
Bought the full-size Reese’s and not one kid showed up.
That’s called the jackpot.
The only thing worse than Tootsie Rolls are the colored ones. You might as well have given me a goddamn penny. At least a couple of those could get me real candy.
I was a Halloween candy connoisseur as a child. Lots of pent up anger over this.
Order polish candy at http://made-in-poland.org
There’s a special place in hell for people who give out popcorn balls or those little bags of pretzels
A lady in my home town use to give out popcorn balls and they were awesome. With that being said I have never had one that I liked.
lets be real, you buy the candy that you like and consume it all week, praying that there will be left overs to continue to consume… heath bars it is! nom nom nom
i’ll admit to being the only person i’ve ever known to enjoy an almond joy, but i’m aware that it makes a terrible treat on halloween. if you aren’t about that reeses or snickers game, then you’re fuckin up.
Almond Joy are the bomb, but I wouldn’t expect a 6 year old to enjoy them.
My grandma still hands these “peanut butter kisses” out. We don’t have the heart to tell her they are the absolute worst. http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/281176511588?lpid=82
So thats what those things are, I usually just called them garbage.
I’m still seething about receiving no-name butterscotch disks wrapped in gold cellophane. Ugh! Cheapskates! Then there were the strange ass candies that sounded like they were from the Great Depression like Bit o’ Honey and Mary Janes.
Sounds like you grew up in a rough neighborhood.