For those of us that have a deep love of football, the months between the Super Bowl and the start of the pre-season can seem endless. We will latch onto any tiny pigskin tidbit, just to give us a little taste of the game we love. That’s why many football fans spent this weekend watching the NFL combine. I have no idea why it’s called a combine (note to self – Google that later), but for the uneducated, the combine is essentially an exhibition during which NFL prospects are observed by scouts from the various teams competing in numerous different events, such as the 40-yard dash, the bench press, the vertical jump. The potential pros are also interviewed and subjected to wellness exams.
I live-streamed some of the weekend’s events and got to thinking, what if I could tryout my potential boyfriends the same way? Lord knows I would save myself a lot of time and heartache if I were able to put prospective partners through some tests. Here’s a taste of what tests I’d have in my Boyfriend Combine…
40-yard Fridge Dash
After some bedroom activities, my tummy starts to rumble. One of my first evaluations of a potential suitor would be how fast he can get to the fridge and back with that leftover pizza.
Vertical Shelf Jump
In football, they want to see how high you can jump, presumably to determine your ability to leap up and snag a pass. In my world, I need to see if you can reach the stuff I keep on the shelves in my home that I’m too short to grasp in bare feet and too lazy to get a stool for. I don’t care if you need to jump up, as long you can grab that box of pasta from top shelf of the kitchen of cabinet.
According to the NFL’s Combine Workout site, the 3 cone drill “tests an athlete’s ability to change directions at a high speed.” My version tests speed as well – how fast a dude can go to the ice cream place and bring me a cone of chocolate chip cookie dough when I’m PMSing.
Size matters in the NFL…and despite what your last girlfriend may have said, it matters to the ladies, too. Although I think what the scouts are measuring aren’t the same body parts I’m interested in getting the dimensions on, the basic premise is the same.
20 Girl Shuttle
At the Combine, the shuttle run tests “athlete’s lateral quickness and explosion in short areas.” My edition assesses shuttling and explosion too – will any of the candidates explode when we jam 20 of my drunk friends in need of a ride home into his car after a night out? How about when hot-mess-Michelle loses her vodka tonics all over the backseat? Love me, love my bitches.
The Wonderlic Test
Here’s one you never see on TV: NFL prospects are all given the “The Wonderlic Test,” a 50 question multiple choice questions intelligence test that is used to evaluate the ability of potential employees for learning and problem-solving in a variety of occupations. If the “occupation” we are talking about is “boyfriend,” here’s a sample of the questions on my version:
What do you like best about me?
A. Your boobs
B. Your gorgeous eyes
C. Your intelligence
D. All of the above (CORRECT!)
Do I look fat in this?
B. No! You could never look anything but perfect. (Seriously, if you can’t get this one…)
Who is that text from?
A. My ex. She was just saying hi.
B. Ryan. He wants to know if I can go play wingman for him tonight.
C. My mom. (It’s your mom. It should always be your mom, unless you’re ready for a few-hours-long discussion.)
Of course, no combine – NFL or dating – is perfect. Mike Mamula is widely thought to have had one of the best NFL combine performances ever, but followed it up with a pretty unremarkable five-year career. On the flip: even I can admit this video of my beloved TB12 running the 40-yard-dash is laughable and we all know how turned out.
Either way, it’s got to be better than Tinder, right? .