Does anyone really go to the movies anymore? Outside of stuff that is must see like Star Wars and Jurassic Park reboots, I don’t really hear about people making the trek to their local cineplex to catch a show anymore. Most movies that get released in theatres also get the OnDemand treatment. And if it isn’t OnDemand, there’s a very good chance it’s on iTunes. And if it isn’t on iTunes, there’s a million websites out there where you can stream a perfectly serviceable bootleg. My point is this – you can sit back in the comfort of your own home and watch that new flick without having to sit next to some stranger who can’t seem to figure out how to get popcorn down his throat without getting it all over the floor. Movie theatres are a thing of the past, sort of like DVDs or VCRs.
I left the friendly confines of my apartment twice this past weekend. Other than my Sunday night, I was an incredibly lazy piece of shit. It was overcast and dreary Friday through Sunday so I spent all of Friday in my apartment making dank food, crushing Pinot Grigio on ice, and listening to smooth jazz with a brand new WoodWick. While this was a fantastic reprieve from a normal Friday night for me, by Saturday afternoon I was stir crazy.
So stir crazy, in fact, that an invitation to go see Seth Rogan’s new animated movie Sausage Party sounded like a great idea. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Sausage Party left a lot to be desired. It’s juvenile, which is to be expected. One goes to a movie like this to shut down mentally for a little while. But Rogen tried to squeeze some half baked political ideas into the film, along with commentary on social injustices – and while all of that is well and good, it doesn’t really have a place in an animated movie that is expected by audience members and critics to be mostly toilet humor. But I left the theatre more annoyed with my fellow patrons than I did with Seth Rogen for making me pony up twelve dollars to see a film that I should have just streamed online for free. I got shushed at the movies on Saturday.
We’re all guilty of it – God knows I’ve caught myself doing it and closed my mouth countless times in movie theatres throughout the years. The second those lights get dimmed in the theatre, you are anonymous. Previews before the main feature begins are a nice treat. I enjoy them immensely. But after every preview ends I just can’t help myself from making a comment on the movie.
“I have to see that.”
“Robert De Niro just takes any role he gets offered now, huh?”
And it doesn’t stop with commentating previews. It carries over into the movie too. Something horrible happens or a character mutters something you know your friend finds funny? The urge to lean over and give your two cents is irresistible. And no one is going to tell you to shut up. At least that’s what I thought before Saturday. Making sarcastic remarks during a movie is kind of my thing. It comes out of my mouth like vomit after I drink too much Evan Williams. And most of the time no one will say a word to me. Why? Because being the shusher in a movie theatre is so gauche. I was offended when I got shushed. I paid my money just like everyone else. If I want to make a few off the cuff remarks throughout the course of the movie, just let me go.
I understand that silence is golden, I really do. But I’m never going to apologize for whispering during a movie. I’m barely breaking the silence by getting my jokes off. They’re just little things. And I really can’t help it. It’s not like I’m having conversations. Just let me and my fellow commentators be. Don’t be a shusher. .