One of my goals for the first half of the year was to complete a Whole 30. I’ve done it a few times before, and every time I do it I come out on the other side significantly skinnier and thinking about food completely differently. Now that summer’s coming around and I’m going to have to start exposing my shirtless piece of stepped on chewing gum that I call a body, I figured it couldn’t hurt to give it another shot. Famous last words.
The first week of any diet is always the hardest. What makes this one even harder is when it’s such a drastic change from your regular diet. I’m cutting carbs, alcohol, processed foods, and a shit ton of other delicious things. When you do that, your body reacts similar to how it would if you were going through withdrawals. Needless to say, I’ve been fairly irritable over the last 10 days and am doing a really bad job of hiding it.
Luckily, whenever I get pissed off, I rarely yell at people. I’ll project my anger onto the nearest inanimate object and tear them to absolute pieces. Here’s a ranking of the things I’ve yelled at so far. Keep in mind that this is by no means comprehensive, just the top five.
5. My Instagram Feed
What I said: “I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY GET TO BE HAPPY.”
Motivation for yelling: You really don’t realize how many food accounts you follow on Instagram until you can no longer eat any of the foods being featured in those accounts. I sat in my living room on Thursday night and flipped through story after story of hand-rolled noodles, melting pizza, and freshly caught fish tacos. I’ll be honest, I cried a little bit as I shoveled a handful of carrots into my mouth while scrolling.
4. The Projector At Work
What I said: “IF YOU WEREN’T CRUCIAL TO MY PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT, I WOULD TEAR YOU FROM THE CEILING AND FIST FUCK YOU INTO THE GARBAGE CAN.”
Motivation for yelling: It didn’t work on the first try. Not too proud of this one.
3. My Shoelaces
What I said: “COME UNTIED AGAIN, YOU FUCKING WALMART VERSION OF STRING.”
Motivation for yelling: Honestly, I bought a new pair of kicks a few weeks ago, but for some reason the laces are just really, really long. Therefore, if I don’t tie them the right way, I step on the laces and they come untied. Marking this as third because of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.
2. My Bed
What I said: “I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF THIS KEEPS HAPPENING I’M GOING TO BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN.”
Motivation for yelling: When I moved into my new apartment, I realized very quickly that my room is roughly the size of a shoebox. That means that every time I come home from work, I have to carefully maneuver myself through a labyrinth of dressers and poorly assembled shelving. Being the uncoordinated idiot that I am, I always take the immediate left turn into my room too loosely and end up bumping into my bed, losing my balance, and having to catch myself before I faceplant into my mattress. Since this is something I have to live with, it’s a larger issue than just the diet and therefore ranks higher.
1. My Laundry
What I said: “LITERALLY WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY CLOTHES?”
Motivation for yelling: This was actually the first thing that I yelled during this round of Whole 30. It was the culmination of being extremely hungry, having a shitty day at work, spending 30 minutes in traffic and 20 minutes trying to find parking, and realizing that I had to actually start laundry before cooking any food. The big issue is that my roommate walked in the door seconds before this outburst occurred. Photos were taken. Tweets were posted. I felt ashamed. So while this may not have been the meanest thing I yelled, the terror of potentially becoming a meme is what ultimately puts this at the top of the list. .