When I was growing up in the 90s, there weren’t really many surprises when it came to naming your kids. Sarahs, Ashleys, and Emilys ran abundant, all with the middle name Elizabeth. When it came to surprising name variations, it pretty much came down to not knowing whether your friend Katie spells her name with a C or a K. That’s it. Times were simple and easy, but of course, that couldn’t last long. Soon, names begin to change. It started slowly at first, by replacing a couple of i’s with y’s, or making Hayden and Lindsay gender-neutral. Still, those were minor changes, and ones we could deal with.
Then the shit hit the fan.
With celebrities naming their children things like Apple, Blue Ivy, and North West, the average American followed this trend like it was a crop top and started naming their kids things that really aren’t even words. By the time 2026 rolls around, I’ll be surprised if kids have names at all instead of just a combination of strange and unusual sounds to answer to.
However, as it turns out, the parents that decided to name their poor innocent child Mimosa may be having second thoughts. Huh, I wonder why. According to a survey by Mumsnet of British mothers, one in five parents regrets the name they gave their child. While some parents did say they had regret over giving their child a basic name, such as Charlotte, Thomas, or James, the biggest amount of regret came from those who gave their kids the “unique” names that are sadly now all too common.
Strangely enough, the moms didn’t regret that they’d forced another human being to answer to Pineapple Sherbet for the majority of a century; what they most regret was that their child’s name wasn’t unique enough. Facepalm. Apparently what upsets these moms the most is the fact that the unique and creative names they had spent nine months cultivating weren’t as unique as they’d planned and that their kids shared their identity with another group, organization, or child of Millennial parents. Apparently, the regret is bad enough that 6 percent of parents surveyed actually legally changed their kid’s names, hopefully to something a little more socially acceptable.
So for those of you out there considering popping out mini versions of yourselves in the near future, make smart choices when it comes to naming your progeny. No one wants to be named after a fruit or a Syrian rebel group, and I mean no one. Stick with the classics, and your kids will at least be able to find their names on a keychain at Disney World. Don’t do it for the kids. Do it for the tacky tourist souvenirs. .