First and foremost, I would like to thank Oscar Mayer for helping me develop my distinguished taste in questionable meats and cheeses. Secondly, I would like to thank them for their part in shaping my early OCD tendencies as a child–everyone knows you can’t just eat the final piece of ham and cracker from your Lunchable if your asshole friend stole your last square of cheese. (No, just me? Whatever.) There is an order that has to be maintained when enjoying this nostalgic and minutely nutritious meal. When I graduated from college, I told myself that my Lunchable eating days were over, that it was time to graduate to prosciutto and other meats that cost more than my rent by the pound. Maybe I would add in a box of wine or two to make the transition easier and pretend it’s Capri Sun. I even tried eating those pre-packaged boxed meals from Starbucks made for people who clearly can’t taste, but nothing compared to the adult-child feeling eating a good ol’ Lunchable. But now our postgrad Lunchable anxieties are over. Oscar Mayer is about to start selling Lunchables for adults.
What’s that I hear? Is that the sound of angels sobbing from above? Yeah, it is. Because this may or may not be the best thing that ever happened to me and my fellow broke, Lunchable loving, postgrad young professionals. What makes this news even better is that just like that one time Prince rebranded himself as a symbol, Oscar Mayer amped up the adult version of the Lunchable with a “more adult-friendly” name. Nothing says “I’m an adult, eating an adult meal” like the name Protein Pack–or P3 for the douches out there.
For those of you having a tough time wrapping your minds around why Oscar Mayer wouldn’t just call this new product exactly what it is, Lunchables For Larger Children With Jobs, here is an explanation from Fast Company:
“To sell Lunchables to adults, Oscar Mayer needed to solve two problems, stigma and health. The social stigma of an adult eating Lunchables was easy enough to solve: just call it something else. But applying to adult’s health consciousness was a bigger problem … How do you package what is, in essence, Grade D cheese and meat ends to a health-conscience audience, then? You deftly sidestep the health issue entirely by marketing them not as snack boxes but as energy packs.”
This amped up adult version of a childhood favorite will include meat, cheese, and nuts, because Oscar Mayer understands that’s all we need. It’s protein…and stuff. So get excited. These Protein Packs will soon be on sale at your local grocery store, going for about $1.79. I don’t like to brag, but I can totally afford that, especially if it means I can enjoy a guiltless Lunchable made just for me.