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My Honest Application To Join A Group Of Male Buddies

I was back at my alma mater. A close friend made an interesting observation about my writing. We had just sat down at the bar when he said to me, “You know, there’s a lot of girls in your writing. Like it seems like every story you tell revolves around your female friends. Seems like you might need more testosterone in your life.”

He had a point. Now that I think about it, I don’t really have a solid group of male friends in the city. Sure, I have friends that live out in the suburbs, but I really only see them once every six weeks or so. Around here, I live with a woman, my best friend is a woman, the bartender at my local bar is a woman…I guess, all in all, I spend a lot of time with women.

Is there anything wrong with that? Probably not. They’re all really cool people, and I enjoy spending time with them. But the more I think about it, the more I’m realizing that it’s really not that cool to roll up to the bar when you’re the only dude with a group of 6 girls every weekend.

So with that, this is me opening myself up, and applying to find a solid group of male buddies to kick it with, including all of the information that I think would probably be relevant.

Name: Charlie

Nickname: I uh…I don’t really have one? Is that a deal breaker?

Chicago Neighborhood: Logan Square. What can I say? I was spending a lot of time here anyway.

Sports? Yeah, man. Sports.

No, seriously. Sports? Okay, okay, mostly a football guy, can barely hold a conversation about basketball or hockey. Can we talk about something else?

Go-To Drink: G&Ts during the summer, shot of whiskey and a beer every other season. But mostly, I just drink the kind of alcohol that gets me drunk.

What are you bringing to a pregame? Probably six pack of tall boys and a fifth of something we can either mix or do shots of. Versatility is the key.

You’re handed the aux cord at a pregame. What are the first 3 songs you queue up?

“Pt. 2” by Kanye West.
“Feel It Still” by Portugal. The Man. (Give it a shot if you don’t know it.)
“Fat Bottom Girls” by Queen.

But honestly, I would have to feel out the mood of the whole group.

What’s the longest you’re willing to wait in line for a bar? Depends on how drunk I am, but usually no more than 15 minutes.

Male Romper? I don’t even understand female rompers.

Best Quality: Probably my sarcastic humor and surprisingly on-point insults.

Worst Quality: I will make everything about me in some capacity. Working on it.

How’s your social media game? I would say I’m the Jay Cutler of Instagram captions. I don’t really try very hard or very often, but when I do, I can crush it.

Relationship Status: In the words of Mitch Hedberg, I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who would be very upset to hear me say that.

Are you willing and ready to wingman? Of course. That doesn’t mean I’m good at it, though.

Most memorable time wingmanning for your friend: Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever really successfully wing-manned for a friend. I’m normally the one having people wingman for me. Wow, I’m really not painting myself in a positive light here.

On a given weekend, how likely is it that you’re going to get kicked out of the bar? Uh…I’ve only gotten kicked out of a bar once and I wouldn’t say I was kicked out, more that I was politely asked not to come back in. But actually getting kicked out? Probably not very likely.

Follow up question: Why? Well, shit. I’m just too laid back of a drunk to be the one causing a ruckus over anything really. You could be actively roasting me in front of my “one that got away” and putting ketchup in my drink and I’d still be like, “Dude why are you being like this?” rather than trying to make a scene.

Anything else? I’m, like, 90% sure that I’m not a serial killer. Aside from that, nothing huge comes to mind.

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Charlie

Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.

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