How Much Is Too Much? A Man’s Guide To Body Hair

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“Suppose she sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good. Got a luscious V of hair going down from my chest pubes to my ball ‘fro, and she takes one look at me and she goes, ‘Oh my God. I’ve had the old bull, now I want the young calf,’ and she grabs me by the wiener.”

A man is only as powerful as the hair he chooses to show off. Good mop on top of your head? Pony up for a real haircut every three weeks. Have a majestic mane of chest hairs? Trim those shrubs to perfection. Patchy beard? Keep your shit clean shaven. Here’s how to take care of mama’s natural winter coat.

Chest

Never EVER wax your chest. You don’t have the pecs to pull that off. Please don’t wax, but if you find your happy trail hair is as dense as your upper pectoral hair, I recommend thinning yourself out around the edges. Scissors are key here. Start snipping the hair around your love handles and work your way slowly in toward the middle. Your actual happy trail should remain untrimmed. Kind of like a high top fade, but with your belly.

Head

“Your hair is your head suit” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock. For the ladies, I remember reading a Judy Blume book back in elementary school where her main character’s mother kept saying, “Your hair is your crown jewel.” Between those two indisputable role models, it’s clear that your haircut is critically important. Pick a style that works and stick with it. It’s literally as simple as googling “sexy hairstyles for men,” showing a screenshot to whoever cuts your hair, and maybe using a little bit of product. My personal recommendations are Jon Hamm, Tom Cruise, or Drogo from season one of Thrones. Don’t make it weird.

Neck

Sport Clips offers free neck trims. Nothing looks trashier than rocking the fuzzies on your upper neck. You look like a munson.

Back

Here’s the deal: during beach season, back hair needs to be gone. In all other circumstances, I’d say just keep the lights off or your shirt on. If you’re one of those poor bros on the short end of the genetic stick, either spend the (minimum) $60 plus tip to get the job done at a salon, or just offer your roommate $20 a session to keep your lower lats trimmed and shaved. I made that last part up, but if one of my hairy ass roommates humbly and contritely offered me the chance at a free $20 a month, I’d take the easy money, no questions asked. I’ve never been waxed, but after watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin, I recommend getting as drunk as possible before. A preexisting prescription for Percoset might work, too.

Pubes

I’m not currently up to date on girls’ opinions on dong beards, but my understanding is that current 2015 convention requires an “infield grass” feel, where there is a healthy eighth to half inch spattering of growth above the shaft and between the thighs. If there’s grass on the field, play ball.

Balls

“There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking. I highly suggest you try it.” Most razors have a color strip to let you know when they’re dull, which is the perfect time to start using them on your balls. Lather yourself up nice and thick with your body wash in the shower and go to town. You wouldn’t want to put a hairy lollipop in your mouth, would you? Good. Neither do girls.

Arms

The jury is still out on forearm hair. Personally, if you can rock your normal forearms without feeling self-conscious, then go for it. Just don’t forget to keep working out. For those of you who are on the fence but still like to roll up your Oxford’s sleeves, I recommend buying a grooming kit and shaving your forearms on the number four setting. Short enough to look kempt, but long enough to show that you are a big, hairy American winning machine.

Legs

Unless you’re an Olympic or collegiate aquatic athlete, shaving your legs is just plain weird. Like, creepy weird. This rule includes all forms of body building. Still weird.

Face

By now, you should know if you can grow facial hair or not. If you can’t, then just keep the baby face. You’ll end up looking thirty when you’re forty. Boo hoo. If you have been #blessed with a fierce beard, figure out your style and rock it hard. We all know girls love a voluptuous beard. It’s evolutionary. Dudes are jealous too — believe me.

Ass

You’re on your own on this one. Just pray you make enough money one day for laser hair removal.

California guy coming to you live from the Mile High City. I enjoy weekend day drinking, handing out my business cards, and ordering pizza while hungover. I do not enjoy "working through lunch", folding laundry, or small domesticated animals that evolution should have stamped out long ago. Chipotle will be catered at my wedding. Feel free to call me out on Twitter. Division II grad.

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