Hand Me The Aux Chord Or This Party Will Suck

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Hand Me The Aux Chord Or This Party Will Suck

I lay claim to many nicknames. The Bud Light Butcher. The Miller Lite Mauler. Jackass. Tool. Insufferable asshole. The list goes on and on. But I think my favorite of the bunch has to be Award Winning Disc Jockey. And by “award winning,” I mean chosen most often by friends and family to not only get, but keep, the aux cord. Retaining said aux cord is a privilege, and it’s a special one that a lot of people think they can handle, but in actuality have no business even looking at.

At your parents’ house for a holiday party with mostly 50+ year olds? No problem, let me throw Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” on and blow the roof off of this motherfucker.

Katie and Ben just broke up for the third time tonight and it’s making everyone at the party uncomfortable? Here comes Earth, Wind, and Fire’s smash hit “September.” If you can’t get up and dance to that song, I don’t want to know you.

Last few shotguns/shots of the night before heading out to the bar? Better believe we’re going to listen to Mark Morrison sing “Return of the Mack” (extended edition with the minute and a half piano solo obvi).

Say it’s 3:00 a.m. and you’re back at your place with that girl you’ve been making out with all night. Grab two glasses of Malbec and let James Taylor’s “Something in the Way She Moves” take you from the couch to the bedroom.

I have one of the most eclectic iTunes libraries in the Midwest, ranging from albums made up entirely of ambient noise to stuff like Rammstein that makes you want to run through a wall. My taste in music is downright democratic, and on any given day you could find me listening to Rich Homie Quan and Miles Davis back to back.

My ability to read a crowd is what has gotten me this far, and it’s probably the most important attribute one can have when you’re asked to be an aux cord DJ. Stressful? Without a doubt. There is nothing worse than having a playlist already set up, which allows the DJ to get his/her swerve on, only to be bothered constantly by girls coming up to you and asking to play “that one song by A$AP Rocky”. It’s like, girl, I know you want to listen to “Goldie” for the fifth time since you’ve left your shitty apartment, but that song isn’t coming on for another hour at least.

I’ve got an arsenal of bangers at my finger tips, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let one go by the wayside so I can please one person. Now, for me, this rule is of course, fairly lax, as I’m a huge sucker and will do just about anything to gain any sort of advantage with a girl– depending on how hot she is. But you need to be careful. Most of the songs you’re playing need to have widespread appeal and what I call sing-a-long-ability.

The great thing about being the DJ is that the party lives and dies by the decisions you make. You throw a dud on like “Get Low” by Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz (yes, under SOME circumstances, this song is allowed, but most of the time it’s a no-no) and you are most certainly getting your aux cord privileges revoked. Put on “Miss You” by The Rolling Stones, a song guaranteed to put asses on the dance floor, and you just might get laid.

The best compliment you can get while lacing down fire tracks is one that you’ll usually hear from the opposite end of the room. The all-too familiar “Yo, who’s playing these heaters?” That’d be your boy Johnny D, good sir.

If you’re getting the aux passed to you this weekend, choose wisely. Don’t throw some fucking Arcade Fire song on and alienate the majority of the party that exclusively listens to the Billboard Top 40. Or, you know, if you’re not up for the tall task of being a jockey, hit me up. I’ve got no plans this weekend.

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