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Guys, Stop Using Straws

2017 has been a cleansing year for me. I’m ridding myself of everything in my life that could be deemed harmful or negative. So far that’s consisted of jeans and time zones. It’s about time I added another to the list: straws.

Before I continue I want to preface that this goes for males only. Females get a free pass as a straw is a good way of reducing the chances of lipstick on the brim of your glass and can be used to stir that fluorescent colored cocktail you’re working on.

For men, there is no faultless way to use a straw. As a sex we shouldn’t be drinking anything that needs to be sucked. Beer, wine and cocktails should all be sipped as if you don’t have a care in the world. If you’re on a 757 screaming towards the surface of the Pacific Ocean you should be able to turn to the person in the seat next to you as you calmly drink from your rocks glass and say, “I’m not worried.”

Name one iconic man that looks good drinking from a straw.

The Biebs looks like he’s kissing his mother:

— Awkward thang (@DopeLifeSwag) September 20, 2013

Here’s Sinatra imitating a walrus:

— Jeffrey Shain (@YoureSoShain) March 17, 2015

Obama’s eating spaghetti:

— ACB-ILO Langues (@ACB_ILO_LANGUES) September 8, 2016

Urshur looks like a 12-year-old girl who just discovered she’s allowed to drink Starbucks:

— Stesha Sims (@SteshaSims) May 25, 2014

Harry Styles is your niece at dinner:

And Don’t Take It From Us guest Dave Ruff:

A post shared by David Ruff (@dcruff) on

Well Crime Dog actually looks pretty cool here – he can keep using straws.

But you? You’re not doing yourself any favors trying to dance that tiny black stick between your lips. Neither is the fact that you’re a 23-year-old white guy who wears Kirkland shirts and works in finance, but that’s a whole separate conversation.

Use it to get attention too. The next time you go up to the bar and order a 7 and 7 and the bartender has the audacity to give you a straw, pluck it carefully from the rim of your glass and nonchalantly stab him through his cornea with the pointy end. Inevitably when the attractive woman sitting at the bar asks, “Why don’t you use straws?” make direct eye contact with her and whisper “Because I’m no sucker.” The ensuing laugh and sex that follows are my gift to you.

From this point forward I’m abandoning all straws. If anybody sees me in public using a straw and calls me out on it I’ll Venmo that person $50. And this video I posted from Thailand doesn’t count:

A post shared by John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) on

This doesn’t need to be beat into the ground so I’ll leave you with some words from Lord Gosling from the criminally underrated film Crazy, Stupid Love:

Lose the straw.

This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley, and I had the man who granted us our podcast David Ruff on to discuss who he liked better, me or Jenna in a new segment. We also played the name game with Dave, graded more Bumble profiles and went down in the DMs. Do you want to hear about the time Dave lost his wedding ring at his own wedding? This is the episode for you! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!

We have an Instagram now! Follow us here for a first look at the dating profiles we’re grading and all sorts of content throughout the week!

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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