Approaching two years of having a legitimate adult career, I had hopes that I would no longer be living paycheck-to-paycheck, or banking on that rebate check from Verizon to go through before Planet Fitness auto-drafted from my checking account. Unsurprisingly, I find myself in a similar scenario as I did in August 2014. My fantasy leagues are starting up, and I have to decide between a scrambled egg and rice diet the entire month of September and missing out on the handful of fantasy leagues I’ve affiliated with for the past few years.
I slowly accumulated fantasy league membership through various social circles and life milestones. There’s the work league, the high school friends league, the former internship league, and the old fraternity bros league. Like a decrepit hoarder building a newspaper mountain in their living room, I’ve spent the last 8 years accumulating league after league after league.
With each league comes a price tag ranging from $100 to the tattered remains of what I refer to as my pride. After selecting Iowa State to win the office March Madness bracket pool, I strongly considered throwing in the towel on office wagers altogether. My fantasy football bill is over $800 this season. One might argue that, spaced out over 17 weeks, the cost really isn’t that bad. Unfortunately, my friends stopped accepting league dues in the form of $3.00 bimonthly checks after last year.
It would be one thing if I won every now and then. Even third place and I’d get my money back, an accomplishment that eludes me year after year. A smart man would have given up on fantasy sports years ago, but speaking as someone who has drafted Maurice Jones Drew 3 times in hopes of a breakout season, it is safe to say I am not a smart person. That last line wasn’t a joke. I have actually drafted MJD 3 times completely confident that he would have a breakout season. I have a lower drafting acumen than the Cleveland Browns. This year, I have the added bonus of explaining to my girlfriend why we can’t go to dinner because cash flow is a little tight, as I Venmo various commissioners what’s left of my last pay period.
To be fair to myself, a lot of it comes down to luck. You can’t always predict who’s gonna have a great season, who’s going to be injury prone, beat their kid, beat their wife, run a dog fighting ring, go to rehab, smoke weed erry day, kill some guy, get involved in covering up killing some guy, or be Geno Smith. In my case, that translates into a sort of voodoo curse that ensures whoever I pick in the first round will end up spending the majority of their season parked on the bench. I’m considering Tom Brady in the first round this year to make sure his 4 game suspension gets increased to a lifelong ban from ever thinking about football again. If anyone has requests, feel free to send them my way.
On a more positive note, the hundreds of dollars I’ll spend on fantasy sports this season is money well spent on another distraction to keep me from getting anything productive done each day. Without fantasy football, I’d probably lose touch with a bunch of friends from earlier in life. Instead, I get to spend 17 weeks a year using my wealth of undeserved confidence to shit talk each and every one of them..
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