As we journey into the depths of the postgrad abyss, venturing further and further from the undergrad oasis of swarms of attractive women, rivers of alcohol, and general debauchery, we are constantly reminded of not only the external changes such as increased responsibility, but also of internal changes such as slight maturing and becoming more and more tightly wrapped. However, no matter how grown up we feel, some things never change. With a twist on the old cliché, you can take a bro out of college, but you can never take the bro out of the man.
1. Excessive Celebrations
Any accomplishment or victory requires some sort of excessive, almost obnoxious celebration. No weak, schmucky, subtle smiles. Whether you landed a huge account or kicked a hustler’s ass at pool on a Thursday night, you instinctively react with a Tiger Woods-style fist pump accompanied by the victory battle cry, “Woo!” or, “Fuck yeah!” For you, it’s as natural and instinctive as breathing, and you don’t give a damn if anyone else thinks it’s obnoxious.
2. You Always Have Your Friends’ Backs
Bros have a unique bond with their closest friends. These are the guys who will take a nine iron to the teeth of anyone dumb enough to mess with you, or, alternatively, pull you off the guy before the cops arrive. These are the guys who will pass on opportunities to you if you need a favor. These are the guys you can count on when a dead hooker shows up in your apartment. When shit hits the fan, you have each other’s backs, and over time that level of loyalty extends to all of your friends.
3. Girls You Date Accuse You Of A Bromance
Women will never understand the bond we guys have with our closest friends. They don’t get why our friends are so close to the top of our list of priorities. In fact, unless a girl is a serious girlfriend or a wife, she is below our friends on the totem pole. Ladies, if a guy says he has no plans and agrees to grab a drink with you, chances are high that he checked with his friends first. When a bro takes a girl he’s dating out with his friends or on a double date with a friend and another girl, the conversation is going to be dominated by the guys going back and forth while occasionally paying attention to her. Because of this, girls will accuse us of having a bromance, or that they always feel like the third wheel when our friends are around. This doesn’t change after college, and women eventually have to learn to accept it.
4. You Pregame Your Friends’ Weddings
College is over and our friends have started getting married, but that doesn’t mean the party has to end. Since we’re working 40 or more hours a week, we’ll take any excuse to get belligerently drunk like the good old days. It’s a wedding–your good friend is dropping single life and you’re losing a wingman. There’s dancing with bridesmaids, there’s light-hearted speeches cracking jokes about your friend, and most likely there’s an open bar. It would be disrespectful to not get hammered.
5. During Alma Mater Visits, You Blend In With The Students
Whether it’s for game day or just a nostalgic visit, you’re bound to return to your alma mater at some point. Muscle memory kicks in, and it’s back to your favorite old bars with your old friends surrounded by gorgeous, carefree college girls. You’re back in your element, and to your surprise, you can still party with the best of them. Not getting arrested or robbed is an accomplishment, and you know the exact restaurant to go to for drunk food.
6. You Laugh At The Expense Of Others
Our sense of humor barely evolves from college to postgrad life. When someone does something ridiculously dumb or embarrassing, you’re going to laugh at it. It’s going to happen. Whether your buddy blacked out and banged an ogre or you poured laxatives in the office’s coffee, it’s hilarious and your amusement is absolutely shameless. The same pranks from college hold a close place to your heart, and thanks to Snapchat, you can send a picture of the dump you took with only minor consequences, if any.
7. You Have A Big Ego
You might as well own up to the fact that you’ve always thought you were the shit. It’s the epicenter of being a bro. It’s what’s driven you to accomplish great things and to not put up with people’s bullshit, as well as dish out bullshit to others. It makes you a show off, but also establishes your presence when you walk in the room. It radiates from you like alpha particles affecting everything in its path. In short, it makes you the lovable asshole you truly are.
8. You’re An Unintentional Ladies Man
Whether it’s the ego, the competitiveness, or the fun-loving attitude, for whatever crazy reason you always end up with attractive women. It’s inexplicable, like why Shia LaBoeuf keeps getting work. You’re everything a woman doesn’t want, or at least shouldn’t want, making you a walking paradox. It started with bar chicks and sorority girls in college and now you’re secretly grabbing drinks with the hot blonde head of HR. Obviously there’s no reason to complain, because there are guys who literally pay money to be able to fall face first into what is pretty much the harem you’ve been involved with over the past six years.
9. You’re Still The Life Of The Party
No matter how many years out of college you are, you’re still the life of the party. You can hold your liquor, dance not giving a fuck, and make an overall entertaining spectacle of yourself. Your party date is pissed at you for being an obnoxious center of attention, but everyone else loves your hilariously charming candor and quotable musings of drunken brilliance that will end up on their Twitter timeline.