14 Simple Ways To Emasculate Your Ex In Bed

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If you know me in real life, you know that I find pure, unadulterated joy in things that one should not find pure, unadulterated joy. If PGP had superlatives, I’d probably be Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Sadist. Don’t believe me? We can always rewind back to five months ago when I wrote a how-to on emasculating a man in bed. Things become a lot more fun for me, though, when “a man” more specifically becomes “an ex.” Breakups are rough and messy, and I’m not one to judge anyone. However, not being able to stand each other anymore doesn’t negate the fact that the sex was mind-blowing. It simply means that I can fuck with you while I’m fucking you. It’s rather therapeutic.

Disclaimer: In case you weren’t already aware, I’m a heterosexual girl. I could apologize about writing this in my own, biased opinion, but I assume you can just change a few verbs or pronouns around to make it applicable to you and your sex life. “Damn it, Lindsay!” I know. Sorry for making you work while you’re at work.

  1. Queue up your Netflix to exclusively play mushy romantic comedies about breakups. Continually tap him on the back while saying, “Ooh, ooh! I love this part!”
  2. Mention that his mom Facebook messaged you the other day just to tell you that she missed you. “She also asked for the trick you used to get all the skidmark stains out of your underwear.”
  3. Force him to share a moment of prayer with you before hitting the sheets: “Dear heavenly Father, please grant [ex’s name] the concentration he needs in order for me to finally climax during sex with him and the patience to last longer than two-and-a-half minutes. Amen.”
  4. Hey, remember that time he accidentally farted during sex? Now would be the perfect time to take that stroll down memory lane.
  5. Before things get too hot and heavy, text your new friend Ashley, who is also fortunate enough to call herself his ex. Set your phone to send you a text message reminder every 30 seconds.
  6. Schedule a pizza to be delivered right around the time you’ve calculated he’ll get off. When it gets there, stop everything and run to the door. Note: Eating hot, fresh pizza naked on your couch while watching Netflix is what dreams are made of. Remember that when you begin to prioritize what to do next.
  7. When he asks you, “Who’s a bad girl?” respond with, “You are.” Vomit accordingly.
  8. Strike up a conversation with Mr. Richard Hardwood while you’re down there.
  9. Pull the sex dice out of your bedside drawer, and no matter what it lands on, “tickle” his “nipple.”
  10. Yawn. Maybe grab your phone and check Twitter. I don’t know. What do you normally do when you’re bored?
  11. Suggest he get checked out by a doctor. When he asks why, just mention that his dick just seems a little smaller than the last time you messed around. When he’s done, follow up with, “It might just be that five extra pounds you’ve tacked on since we broke up.”
  12. Flip through your stash of InStyle wedding magazines while he’s going at it from behind. Nonchalantly ask how he thinks your future husband would feel about blush-colored bridesmaid dresses.
  13. Stop everything the moment you can tell he’s really into it and discuss ways on how he could improve.
  14. Big spoon him when it’s over, pat him on the ass as you crawl out of bed, and say good game.
My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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