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10 Things The Internet Needs To Stop Telling Us

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10. Stop telling us to watch the news.

I understand that it is important to stay informed. Trust me, I know–I was a political science major. In college, I lived off the news and CSPAN. I would spend hours a day watching and reading the news. Hell, I had a political talk show at the college radio station. However, it gets old. We postgrads are old enough to know what’s going on in the world and what is important to us. The news can only talk about the same issue long enough before the person in North Dakota gets sick of hearing about Ebola in Africa and how it’s going to kill everyone. Get the hell over it, we pick what we want to be informed about.

9. Stop telling us to try new things.

Why? Why should I go rafting? Why should I go rock climbing? Why should I go on an urban adventure? How about you let me do what I want? What’s wrong with sticking to what I know? I have my name on the wall of a bar for this–really, I drank so much beer that they gave me a plaque. What is wrong with me liking what I like? I haven’t died yet, so I’m doing something right.

8. Stop telling us what to drink.

Like OMG craft beer! Shut up. Beer is beer. What if I don’t like the newest IPA and the 20 others that the same brewery makes? Who cares if I don’t order the newest beer. This doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, it means I like what I like. Sure, I’ll try a new beer here and there, but I’ll always go with my designated hitter of Miller Lite. Don’t tell me what to drink. You don’t how little money I have in my wallet.

7. Stop telling us what to eat.

If I want to eat an entire box of off-brand shells and cheddar cheese and drink a 40, I will! I don’t care about the newest superfood. I only care about the ability to eat, and with my degree, that usually consists of cheap and affective. Stop telling me to buy organic. I don’t have the money. Whole foods? Hell no. Trader Joe’s? Maybe, if I had the gas money to get there. Food Lion? More my style.

6. Stop telling us to read more.

I do read. I read what I like. I read three or four books a month about politics and science, and I throw in some fiction here and there. Seriously, though, stop telling me to read what you think I should read. I don’t care about “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” or some random person’s biography. If it interests me that much, I’ll read it. Other than that, stop telling me I need to read more. Do you think I have all the time in the world?

5. Stop telling us to get more sleep.

Really? You think you’re soooo much better than I am? You get eight hours of sleep a night, every night? I get it, your life is easy, carefree, no stress, no family or relationship issues, and not to mention, you have a real job or you’re in grad school. If you follow this advice, more power to you. If not, you’re a lying hypocrite and I hate you.

4. Stop telling us to go to the gym.

Really? You guys who sit in front of a computer all day have nothing better to do than to tell me to get out of my chair and go run on a treadmill or lift weights? Really? I’ll have you know I’m okay with a perfectly okayish looking body. Sure, I’m not climbing Mount Everest next week, but hey, I can mow one hell of a lawn and take all my groceries in with one trip. Get over it, a lot of us are busy, whether we’re working or trying to find work. We seldom have time to go to the gym, and if we do, sometimes we don’t want to and that’s okay. Sometimes, I just want to sit on my couch and eat hot pockets and ice cream while watching Netflix for hours on end. I’m not saying I sit around like Honey Boo Boo’s mom and eat all day. Sometimes I do get to the gym and run every week, but sometimes, I’m just beat and I want to relax. Get over yourself, BuzzFeed–I don’t see you guys on the cover of fitness magazines.

3. Stop telling us to reconnect with old friends.

There is a reason they are “old.” I don’t want to talk to them anymore. I don’t judge myself on the number of friends I have on speed dial. Sure, I have friends, but they are of quality, not quantity. Yes, I hung out with them in the past, but I don’t anymore, and for good reasons. They were holding me back, they were toxic in my life, they pushed me around, the list goes on. There is a reason I don’t hang out with them anymore or talk to them that much. Let me have the number and type of friends I want. I’m sure you guys have done the same.

2. Stop giving us career advice.

You write for the internet, where a page view is literally worth six thousandths of a cent. Need I say more? Oh, I do? You really seem to have your life on track to win a Nobel Peace Prize or, you know, cure cancer. I bet your parents are proud, unlike mine who are still waiting for me to move out. Yeah, laugh it up, but at least my promotion won’t be for something as stupid as “50 Things You Need To Know Before You Go On A Cruise Around The Horn Of Africa.”

1. Stop telling us how to live.

You don’t know my life! You don’t! Some of us have degrees from an Ivy League school, some from a state school, some private, others online, and some people don’t even have degrees. We all come from different walks of life; we all have different ways of doing things. We are sick of you telling us how to live. If I want to live in a van down by the river, I will. If I want to own a nice house in the Hamptons and a condo in the city, I will. Let us find our way, and stop making it seem like our current station in life is worthless. We are all on this journey of life together, so let us find our way, because that’s the only way. Not all of us can live in your special la-la-land where everything is perfect and we wake up at 6 a.m. to go to work with a smile on our face like you suggest. Get over yourself and stop communicating to the masses that we are doing something wrong.

Internet, you’re tacky and I hate you. Pull your head out of your ass and stop putting us down like you probably did to the fat kid in middle school. This is real life, and like middle school, we will lose weight and steal your girlfriend. Once again, I hate you.

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swimshady

I enjoy doing nothing while doing things. Binge watcher by day, sleeper by night. The world may be your oyster but it will give you food poisoning.

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