======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Being an adult basically just means repeating the same conversations, over and over again, until you die. “How’s the missus?” “Got any weekend plans?” “You got a fantasy team?” All boring questions, that lead to boring conversations, that lead to you secretly fantasizing about moving out to the wilderness of Alaska just to escape human interaction. But the biggest offender, as PGP writer and life guru Madoff mentioned in his recent column, is the always-present: “So what do you do for a living?”
It’s a tough question, because on one hand, you don’t want to be too bland and generic (I’m in sales), but on the other, you don’t want to get too technical and specific for a question that no one cares about either (I’m a molecular geneticist working on…I can’t even bullshit my way through the rest of this example because I have no idea what they do). Sure, this question sucks, but so do people, so unfortunately, it’s not going anywhere. So I’m here to help. Here’s how to honestly and succinctly tell people what you do, based on some popular jobs.
Teacher
I yell at kids to be quiet for eight hours a day and do my best to make sure they know basic knowledge things so they don’t end up on one of those “Americans can’t find their own country on the map” Jimmy Kimmel videos.
Construction Worker
I build stuff, like your work and your house. I have actual value in society.
Writer
I justify my alcohol abuse and inability to buckle down and work by telling people “I’m a creative” and that this is “my process.” I have no actual value in society.
Engineer (Computer)
I talk to computers in a special language and make them do what I want to do. If only I knew how to communicate with humans.
Engineer (All Other)
I turn math into real things like buildings, pipes, electrical systems, medical devices, and tons of other cool and complex life-helping stuff.
Sales
I sell shit and buy shit. What I sell varies, but what I buy is always cocaine.
Finance Analyst
Oh, did the sales guy tell you he does coke? That’s cute. I’m an asshole that turns numbers into money for richer people in exchange for them giving me the (still sizable) scraps.
Nurse
I treat sick people and save lives. I am a superhero.
Doctor
I tell nurses how to treat people and save lives.
Surgeons
I save lives and/or marriages depending on what kind of surgery I do. I think I am god.
Product Manager
I keep track of people and help make engineer’s ideas into reality.
Project Manager
See above. (Stop trying to pretend this is a different job).
Artist
I’m unemployed.
Actor
You don’t recognize me? Then I’m a server.
Model
I have an Instagram account with 8K followers. I am also a server.
Lawyer
I research people into or out of trouble.
Factory/Mill/Steel Worker
I am the backbone of this country and you’ll need to wash your hands after our handshake.
Travel Agent
I don’t know how I still have a job. I’m a 55-year-old mother of three.
Realtor
I show you houses you could have found on Google. I’m a 55-year-old mother of three.
Account Executive
I am the middle man between people in my company that hate me and people at another company that hate me.
Small Business Owner
I am either a humble millionaire or six weeks away from bankruptcy. Regardless, my family has no idea what our finances looks like.
Actuary
I turn people’s lives into numbers so insurance companies can fuck them more accurately.
Accountant
I help save super rich people money.
Personal Trainer
I’m an attractive version of a workout guide that you could find with literally ten seconds of Googling.
Event Planner
I bend over backwards to give people the experience they asked for and then get yelled at regardless.
Therapist
I make people feel better about their lives.
Bartender
See above.
Twitch/YouTube Personality
I don’t know, but somehow people pay me for it. Also, I’m racist.
Military Member
I put my life in danger to protect American ideals, which is very admirable. Sometimes I put my life in danger for reasons no one understands, because of old white guys in DC backrooms. Mostly I’m bored a lot.
Congressman/Senator
I’m an old white guy in a DC backroom.
Intern
I’m trapped in a three-month-long interview. It’s a fucking nightmare.
Police
I help save people from bad guys. Sometimes the bad guy is me.
Firefighter
I run into burning buildings to save people. I am a superhero.
Cook
I cook food to supplement my drug addiction.
And there you have it. Now you know what to answer when you inevitably get asked. If your job didn’t make the list, it doesn’t count as a real job, sorry. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
I’m a little sad Cartographer isn’t on this list.
We’ll just count you as an artistic engineer.
nothing about IT guys either
Did you turn it off and back on again?
The computer or the IT guy?
I just lumped IT in with computer engineer
Business development: I eat lunch.
How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
1, they just hold the bulb and earth revolves around them
Middle aged, middle class guy – my job was replaced by automation and my other 3 jobs pay less than my 1 career I used to have. Also, I don’t have benefits. My wife left me and took the kids, the bank took my house. Now I live on a mattress on the floor in some run down studio apartment in a sketchy part of town. I’m a functioning alcoholic and I’m even thinking about progressing into opioids because they’re more cost effective. I probably have liver problems and cancer is probably looming overhead. Mortality rates are spiking for dudes like me and retirement is a complete afterthought. I’m just trying to get into the good graces of my daughter who’s in college and hope I don’t see her in one of those laptop movies on the internet. Never mind, I don’t have a laptop and I use a flip phone lol
Your respect for nurses genuinely warms my heart considering 90% of my job entails cleaning up both literal and figurative shit.
In the case of teaching hospitals, nurses also have to figure out the mistakes med students did in executing what the doctor said
Experienced docs make them too. Lots of people make mistakes though we’re all human! That’s why we all double check each other 🙂
I’ve always gone with the venture capitalist line from Wedding Crashers about investing in a company that allows homeless people to make their own clothes. People are either so dumb they ask about it or just shrug you off and move on.
We appreciate your dedication to our craft. We at Holy Shirts and Pants thank you for spreading our awareness.
As someone who works in vc i just say “shark tank but with more Patagonia”
Consultant is absent because there isn’t an honest answer
Overcharge companies to tell them what they already know
They only exist so that when things go south the board and CEO keep their jobs. “We paid Bain $100k and this is what they told us to do (which as what we were already going to do).”
Consultant – I take the information you give me and repeat it back to you in different words.
Steal your watch to tell you the time.
Political strategist: I keep old white guys in DC backrooms employed.
Government employee: *cue sounds of crickets chirping* nothing to see here folks.
It’s a real shame most Factory Workers won’t read this article.
Honestly I’m just happy Construction Workers made the list with an accurate description.