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A few weeks ago, I was out at brunch with some of my girl friends (yeah, I get invited to girl’s brunch, I like mimosas and gossip, and I won’t apologize for that), when the subject of relationships came up. More specifically, one girl was complaining about how her latest FWB had failed to materialize into a full-blown relationship, much like the three before him. While others at the table spouted off overused lines like “you’re too good for him anyway,” and “he’ll realize what he’s missing and come back,” I decided to toss a truth bomb out there. “You’re never going to be in a happy relationship if you’re desperately searching for one.” This advice was received rather poorly, but after a half hour and some mimosas, the group started coming around to my way of thinking.
The truth is, most people have been in my friend’s shoes. I’ve hit up my boys to go out and pick up girls only to have the realization that they were all in relationships, and I was the last single one left. I’ve looked at snowflakes accumulating on my windowsill on a Sunday morning and wished I were waking up with a girlfriend, not just a devastating hangover. Most of us, at some point or another, for a variety of reasons, have wanted to be in a relationship. The problem is, that mindset is never going to result in one. The trope that “relationships come when you least expect them” has been around forever, but the truth is, it’s not when you least expect them, but when you least need them that they happen. The more you believe you NEED to be in a relationship, the more you reek of desperation, and the less anyone wants anything to do with you. For good or bad, male or female, everyone loves the chase. They may say they hate the drama or the uncertainty or “playing games,” but the truth is, it thrills them.
There is no greater adventure in life than pursuing (or being pursued) by someone who you’re not sure you can get with. All the wondering if they’re going to text you back, whether you scared them off with your Spring Break ’12 story, overanalyzing every aspect of each date – all of that is what makes the beginning of relationships exciting. And when you desperately want to be in a relationship, you take all of that off the table. People like earning things in life. Accomplishing a goal that took hard work is much more satisfying than knocking off an easy task, and dating is no different. If it’s clear from the first meeting that you want to be in a relationship, it takes away all the uncertainty that makes dating interesting. It also makes it clear that you value being in a relationship more than the person who you’d be with. When I asked my friend why she wanted to be in a committed relationship with this guy, and her answers had nothing to do with who he was as a person. She wanted to have someone to “stay in with when no one is going out,” and “have cool date nights with,” and “take cute pictures with.” She didn’t want this person to be her boyfriend; she just wanted a boyfriend.
I’m not saying wanting to be in a relationship is bad, and I’m not preaching living a single life with no attachments (although everyone should try it at some point, it’s a lot of fun). My advice is simple: If you want to be in a relationship, the first step is finding someone who you want to be in a relationship with. For most, this is the hardest process. It may take long periods of being alone, it may take many dates with people you don’t consider your type, and it may take some internal reflection on how to make yourself happy. The most attractive trait to a potential suitor is someone who doesn’t need them to be happy, but wants them in their lives to make them happier. I learned that lesson when, at the peak of me crushing the single life (I got two Tinder “super likes” in a six month period, no biggie), some girl came along and ruined it by making me fall for her. I didn’t need, particularly want, or was even looking for a relationship until I met someone with whom I genuinely wanted to commit to.
For those of you who are bummed that you missed the cuffing memo, who are trying to recruit acquaintances to hit the bars with because all your friends are doing “wine & paint date nights” or whatever, embrace being single. Hit on someone out of your league. Have a one-night stand with someone you don’t want to date. Tell people you’re not looking for anything serious right now, and then decide later if you want to change that. Stop searching for a relationship and just enjoy your life. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
CC: every girl I’ve talked to over 25 who has a friend that was engaged in the last 4 years.
There is no greater game in the world than chasing tail.
Couldn’t agree with you more. My philosophy has always been that you need to find someone to want to have a relationship with, instead of wanting a relationship with someone and looking for someone to fill that role. Subtle but big difference.
True story: on my and my now girlfriend’s first date, after a few drinks, she asked me what I was looking for. We met on Tinder so the elephant in the room was obvious but I admired her being straight up. I told her that I didn’t know and was just going with the flow, to which she agreed. The more we got to know each other, the more we realized that we wanted a relationship with each other, even though it wasn’t something we were looking for when we first met.
She sounds like a winner, good for you!
That what you are looking for question is always fun because I have usually answered how you did with wildly varying results.
Yeah she really is, especially since she puts up with me.
And true about the question, you never know on a Tinder/Bumble date but hey, shooters shoot.
I’m actually taking a break from all dating apps for this reason. I know I’m trying too hard and when I get rejected I just feel worthless and undeserving of affection. I’m gonna get in shape, start feeling better about myself, and come back stronger after Valentines Day.
I have really mixed feelings on this. You’re definitely right, but this isn’t soothing my anxiety attacks every time another friend gets engaged while I get carpal tunnel from excessive Bumbling.
Sup
Goddammit.
none of my friends are getting engaged anymore. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL MARRIED ALREADY. (cries)
If you’re patient enough, you can pick ’em up for the second marriage.
*slow claps in real life since I can’t/don’t know how to add gifs into comments*
I love girls who have put a focus on themselves rather than just dating someone to be in a relationship. It shows that they’ll be a lot less maintenance down the road, and I dig a sense of independence. Plus, they’re usually the best version of themselves and not tampered by a LTR where you sort of become part of the person you’re with. Woof.
To all the good single people out there, PLEASE don’t cuff to cuff. Embrace being single. Go out with a lot of different people. Put yourself first (before you can’t anymore). Enjoy having options and variety in your life (major key alert).
But, if you live in DC and just need a drinking/FWB buddy, sup?
Sup?
Maybe we meet up at Farmers & Distillers and then separately write posts about our PGP Blind Date experience?
Seconded
Chicago friends, just heard on the radio of you download Shake Shack app you get free Shake Shack today. Will investigate.
It checks out- you get a free burger. Not sure why I was getting downvoted, apparently some people have never had Shake Shack.
How did you investigate so quickly? Shake Shack NYC line is always a nightmare.
You’ve got to download the app. The promo code is in the inbox for the app
Maybe you’ll meet your future significant other also waiting in line at Shake Shack for a free burger.
Didn’t even bother to read the article, just had to spread the word.
You’re doing The Lord’s work.
100% agree. Every time I’ve looked for a relationship (cuffing season) it’s been pretty bleak, but the second I decide that being single is more fun all of a sudden there are opportunities.
Also, for the ladies looking, I definitely get a bit scared if she makes it really clear she wants to get serious quickly. I’m all for open communication but letting it happen organically is usually what has kept me around.
via GIPHY
I think you can’t approach dating as “needing” a relationship instead of “wanting” one. Needing it implies that you’re incomplete without one and that you require another person to make you interesting and/or whole. Wanting it shows that you’ve got a lot of other things going on and you’re willing to see if adding another person to the mix deepens your life or complicates it.
The detail of “incomplete” that you mentioned is huge. I know a lot of people who relationship hop, and are never not dating somebody. In order to be a healthy contributor to a relationship, you have to be fully secure and comfortable with who you are, and what you want. So described “incomplete” people see a relationship as a vehicle to validate themselves as being worthy of devotion, instead of drawing that feeling from within.
Wow, you cut me right to the core. Minus the ability to actually ever find someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.