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I love food more than anything else in the world. If you dangled my family, the entire San Jose Sharks team, and a burrito supreme over a pit of lava and only allowed me to save one, my answer would heavily depend on whether or not I’ve had breakfast. There is not a single cuisine I haven’t tried, from a hole in the wall Ethiopian spot where there was no menu, to a Michelin-rated restaurant that blew my mind (and my wallet).
I’ve eaten fire-roasted boar at a luau in Hawaii. I’ve eaten food I can’t pronounce in Paris and was yelled at by the chef for adding pepper to my dish. Last weekend, I came home drunk and made pasta with salsa instead of tomato sauce, because I didn’t realize I had ran out and I was too drunk to make anything else. It was extremely gross. My point is, I’ll eat pretty much anything, but I refuse to eat from a food truck.
I firmly believe god created restaurants to serve all of our food needs, and food trucks are an affront to everything I believe in. Restaurants employ a team of people to ensure the food is prepped, cooked, and plated to serve you. Yes, some of the people in said kitchen are foul-mouthed ex-convicts with anger management issues, but that doesn’t affect the quality of the meal (only the mental health of the staff). Once the psychos in the kitchen prepare your meal, it’s put on plate, and brought out to you to enjoy at your own pleasure. Sure, it might be unnecessarily fancy for and every day meal, but it’s nice.
If you don’t have the time or money to waste on a restaurant, however, I’m not hating on you. As much as I’d like to be, I’m not out here crushing sit-down meals every day. I’m a lowly 25-year-old in corporate America, and like many of you, most of my meals come from somewhere much cheaper and quicker- a fast food joint. Whether you’re hitting the Chick-Fil-A drive through, Panda Express at the mall, or, if you hate yourself, Taco Bell for lunch, I have no problem with fast food. Dropping less than $10 on a meal and having time to actually eat it during your lunch break is the perfect recess from your workday. Sure, the quality’s not as high, and no one’s refilling your water glass, but hey, it still tastes good. You know why? Because it was made by a professional staff in a kitchen. Is the staff mainly high school kids? Maybe, but who cares. They were trained, and your food was created in a sanitary environment. That’s good enough for me.
What I can’t understand is, with all these fantastic options, why the fuck would anyone want to go to a food truck? In business parks all across America these ratchet-ass trucks pull up at 11:30 a.m. on the dot, and just wait for all the business-casual lemmings to scurry out and pay them for their shitty food. Instead of a professional kitchen staff, you now get two 28-year-old hipsters who are “following their dream” by making an abomination known as Korean/Mexican fusion. Instead of a clean and sanitary kitchen, your food is being made in the back of a fucking truck. I don’t care if it’s the cleanest truck in the world, I don’t want to eat food made in it. When you cram a fridge, stoves, and a prep station in the back of a vehicle that already has an engine, A/C, and various electronics, something’s got to give.
Wondering why your taco tastes like diesel? Maybe it’s because the engine and the stove use the same fuel tank. Why is your lettuce wrap soft and mushy, you ask? Why, that’s because there’s no refrigeration system, and all the veggies for the day are just packed in a shitty ice chest that once accompanied these two douchebags to Cancun for Spring Break. There’s no one checking the expiration dates on condiments, nowhere for the “chefs” to wash their hands, and worst of all, no plates. You get to eat your shitty Mongolian beef skewers off a paper fry-holder, and act like you like it.
Listen, I’m not blaming you for eating at the food truck. It’s not your fault. When you’ve been stuck eating at the same four places for years on end, at some point you’re going to snap. Much like the saying “show me the prettiest girl in the world, and I’ll show you a guy who’s sick of fucking her,” you just got bored. Sure, you love Chipotle, and she treats you right, but after years of the same food, that slutty new taco truck started coming around and you just couldn’t help yourself. But it’s time to break free. Get a hold of yourself and go to a mall food court if you really need variety. It may not be great, but at least the garlic bread at Sbarro hasn’t been toasted on a cracked radiator. You deserve an actual kitchen, not a truck..
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