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It’s Wednesday, I’m hungover, and I’m incapable of making even the smallest decision, like where to go to lunch or whether or not I should take a nap under my desk. So let’s dive right into a much, much harder choice. As always, I’ll pose a classic “would you rather” question and give the definitive answer to it, aka, my answer. For those of you who don’t know, a “would you rather” gives you the option of two horrible choices and forces you to pick the better of two evils. And this week we’ve got a fucking doozy. Here we go.
Would you rather: Be 4’5” or 7’7”?
Fuck. Fuuuuuck. As a proud, 5’9” man, I did not expect any question about whether too grow or shrink to give me any sort of trouble. I’ll always go taller. Always. Except maybe now. But before I figure out my answer, as always, I’ll answer some questions.
1. Will I retain my current proportions?
Yes. You don’t get to pick what you look like. This isn’t asking if you’d like to shape shift into Channing Tatum. You’re stuck with your own body, just stretched or compressed. If you already have gangly limbs, you’re going to look like a freak at nearly eight feet tall. If you have a beer belly, being the height of a short fourth grader is not going to help that fact.
2. Will I stay healthy?
Probably not. Being very short or very tall is not good for your bones, joints, muscles, organs, and circulatory system. As always, for the sanctity of this game, I have done zero research, but I’m pretty sure having a height outside of the normal parameters for humans can’t be good for you.
With those questions answered, it’s time to think this through. Unlike other questions, where I have a pretty good idea of what I’d choose and present both sides of the argument for fun, this time I’m as baffled as you are. I think the best way to make my decision is to create a pro/con list for each height, so here goes.
Pros of being 7’7”
I can be a professional basketball player and make millions. I’m already fairly athletic, and if you add almost two full feet to my height, I have no problem saying I would make it to the NBA. In fact, I’d be a hall of famer. I’d be taller than Yao Ming. I’d be taller than Shaq. I’d have a foot on LeBron. I’d be the same height as Manute Bol, but because I’d keep my current proportions, unlike him, I wouldn’t look like a Daddy Long Leg spider in human form.
No one would start shit with me. 7’7” is ridiculously tall. I’m willing to bet none of us have ever actually seen someone that tall. That’s terrifyingly tall. Even the biggest dude at the bar isn’t going to run up on someone who has a foot on him. No one’s that stupid.
Cons of being 7’7”
I’d probably get shot in a bar fight. Look, I’ve lived my whole adult life at a short to average size. Due to this, I’ve developed a shit-starting personality that I guarantee would multiply tenfold once I realized I’m huge and could take anyone in a fight. At some point I would pick a fight with the wrong guy, and knowing he couldn’t beat me, he’d decide to shoot me instead. Not ideal.
I wouldn’t live past 60. Humans aren’t built to be seven feet tall, let alone almost eight. My heart would be struggling to pump blood through my oversized body, my organs would be too big for their own weight, and my back would be in shambles. I already have the back of a 50-year-old dock worker, and stretching it out an extra two feet would be a devastating move. The golden years of my life would be full of pain and suffering before eventually being cut short.
I would always be uncomfortable. The train would suck. Office chairs would suck. Cars would be practically impossible. If I wanted to fly, I’m going private or not at all. I just watched the Andre The Giant documentary, and if that guy wasn’t making a ton of money, his life would have been a nightmare. Sure, I’d be able to afford some luxuries from my NBA salary, but it wouldn’t change the fact that I’d simply be too big for this world. Let’s see what going short would bring.
Pros of being 4’5”
I could be a professional jockey. Again, I’m pretty athletic, and being this tiny would place me in a small percentage of men who could be professional horse jockeys. I don’t know how much they get paid, but I guarantee it’s more than I’m making now.
I would save money. How much does a little guy like this even eat? Can’t be that much. I’d be getting buy on like three graham crackers a day. I could fly Spirit everywhere and still be comfy. I’d be looking fly as hell for cheap in youth size clothes. Shit, it would probably take me two beers to get drunk. Wait, is that a pro or a con? I don’t even know.
Cons of being 4’5”
If I can’t be a jockey, I’m financially screwed. It’s a commonly known fact that the taller a man is, the more money he makes (on average). If I don’t end up being a jockey for some reason (probably because I hate riding horses), I’m going to be fighting an uphill battle for salary my whole life. The average height of an American male is somewhere around 5’10”, and being 17 inches shorter than that is going to be a serious issue. Good thing I can save money on everything else, because I’m going to need it.
I’m never getting laid again. Ladies, let’s be real for a second. Would you ever hook up with a guy who’s less than four and a half feet tall? I know they say size doesn’t matter, and I know there are girls out there who have no problem dating a shorter guy. But that much shorter? Seems unlikely. I’m sure Peter Dinklage does just fine, but I’m no Peter Dinklage. My girlfriend has assured me that she would stay with me no matter what, but we both know she’s lying, just like when I say that I’d love her even if she got fat. C’mon. We all know that’s false. I’d end up single for the rest of my life, just living in my tiny house (which would seem full-sized) with my dog (that I’d ride around).
Whew. That’s a lot of personal introspection to go through. Would I rather be rich, famous, a hit with the ladies, and dead by 50? Or would I rather- actually, fuck hearing the rest of this sentence. The answer is yes. I’m here for a good time, not for a long time. I choose to be 7’7”. Growing old and seeing your kids grow up is for suckers. I’m going to ball for the next 10 years and then die a long, painful death. What would you choose?.
Image via lev radin / Shutterstock.com
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Most men are going to pick tall and most women are going to pick short, so congrats Nick on creating a bizarro world in which all men are nearly twice as tall as all women.
I have a joke to make for this but I think I’m going to keep it to myself.
Probably the same joke I made to myself. That’s a very convenient height difference.
Yea, something about not having to bend down to eat.
It’s kind of surprising to me the “being in constant pain/dying by 60” and “never being comfortable” didn’t make more guys pick short, tbh.
Most of us work stressful jobs with low pay and we use alcohol, tobacco, drugs to deal with the pain….living to be 60 will be a miracle regardless of height
In light of yesterday’s threads, 19th Hole you’re one of my new favorites.
Serious question. Would you rather a 14 inch long, and really thick willy, or a 1 inch willy?
Please stop.
give me 7’7″. pair me up with one of them super tall girls so I can watch my future daughter smash volleyballs in the 2042 Olympics or watch my son snag rebounds for the Golden State Warriors.
“I’m never getting laid again” is the only pro/con argument you need to make for either side. I’d be tall.
Verne troyer had hot girlfriends. RIP minime
I’m 6’7 and don’t fit anywhere. Planes are terrible, my feet hang over king beds, and no clothes fit right. All that being said: give me 7’7 every time.
6’4” with bad knees checking in. Not to mention all the cars I’d love to drive that don’t have adequate legroom or cargo space for me to camp on the back. And say goodbye to the effortless leg gains of our shorter brethren.
Meh I’m 6’4” and don’t have trouble driving hardly any cars.
Been rocking exclusively Eddie Bauer since 2003! They even have talks in stores.
Eddie Bauer is prime for tall people. One of the only clothing brands where I don’t have to special order for my height.
Talls*
Any guy sub 5’10 already knows the pain of striking out before taking a swing. Give me the extra 2 feet
Being that small in a king bed would be like a puppy in a cloud.
I like the way you think.
Next week: girth or length?
Tuna can or slim jim
I’ve never heard a girl tell me she likes short men, I’m glad to be over 6 feet
I have one friend who is obsessed with short men and we all think it’s weird.
Tell her I said, “Sup”
Did anyone see Embiid(sp?) repeatedly pick up Kevin hart last night? There’s the research needed for why being freakishly tall is superior.
My first thought was “Wow, his son is already 11?!”
female input here – I’d honestly pick shorter, mostly because of your reasoning about girls generally preferring taller men. Plus I could wear insanely high heels and look almost normal height