Apparently Donald Trump isn’t the only person trying to parlay reality television success into a political career this election season. Ben Higgins, the star of the most recent season of The Bachelor has announced that he will be running as a Republican for a seat in the Colorado House of Representatives during this election season. 2016 has already been quite the year for Ben, but apparently getting engaged and earning a deal for your own reality show isn’t enough excitement for this dude. Either Ben is much more ambitious than he comes across, or the footage for Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After is so boring they need this as a plot device.
There are a lot of reasons that Ben would make a good politician. First, and maybe most importantly, he’s a little bit dumb. It’s not that he’s unintelligent; he’s just kind of dopey but pulls it off in an endearing way. He seems inherently trustworthy; he’s not the type of guy you’d expect to be dishonest or mislead you in any way…although JoJo may disagree with that statement. On top of that, he’s inherently likable. Even after he dumped them on national television to get engaged to a flight attendant, the majority of the contestants from Ben’s season of The Bachelor have nothing but nice things to say about him, which is in stark contrast to the attitudes towards some of the men from previous seasons; most people are actually still talking shit about Juan Pablo. By the way, whatever happened to him? He should come back for Paradise before Camilla gets too old and realizes that Daddy does bad things on the TV. Ben is also an incredibly passionate person — with him as an elected representative, I feel pretty safe assuring the constituency of Colorado’s 4th District that their hot tub needs will be immediately filled with a vote for Ben Higgins.
That being said, there are even more reasons why this is a terrible idea. Ben’s only real strengths in this campaign are his name recognition and the reality that the average American is an idiot. Ben owes that name recognition to reality television, and if we’re being honest, he wasn’t even that great at his TV gig. As The Bachelor, he had one job:
bang a bunch of sluts fall in love with one of the contestants and propose with a Neil Lane diamond ring. Instead of doing that, he fell in love with two of the girls on the show before deciding to pick the one with the bigger ass. While I respect his conclusions, I don’t respect his indecisiveness. Leaders need to be able to make tough decisions; does he want to make his voters cry on the floors of their bathrooms when he can’t make up his goddamn mind about ganja regulations? Before he was on The Bachelor, he was a software salesman, and my guess is that a software salesman who could take off work for several months at a time wasn’t an integral part of the team, so there’s another red flag. At least Ben is familiar with the issues facing Colorado given he grew up there. Wait? What’s that? Oh, right. He’s not even from Colorado. East Fucksville, Indiana called — with Mike Pence departing the gubernatorial race for the VP nod, there are a few openings on the Republican ticket if you want to move back home, Ben.
If Trump’s campaign has taught us anything, it’s that apparently people are no long satiated by reality television on their TV screens; they want to bring the dumpster fire into their real lives, so there’s a decent chance people will actually vote for Ben. I just hope that Ben realizes that winning votes may be a little more challenging than handing out roses..
Image via YouTube