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A lot of us look at buying a house as the postgrad dream. The ultimate sign that you’re doing this adulting thing right. You may have friends who are homeowners and you look at them thinking, “Wow, they’ve really got it together.”
Bullshit. Lies. All of it is a veil of lies.
Let’s flash back to where it all began. My wife and I decided about a year or so ago that we wanted to get a house when our lease was up. We had stable careers, friends in the area, and wanted something better than our apartment that constantly smelled like someone else’s pot smoke. We would start saving for a down payment, put some money aside for the inevitable projects that came up, all while maintaining our normal 20-something lifestyle near a major city (read: lots of brunch, bar trivia, and other activities that involve drinking).
Come fall, we started spending most of our copious downtime at work on Zillow, sending each other links to every house we found and pointing out all the things we hated about each other’s choices. If you guys ever want to learn all the things your spouse hates about you, look for houses with them. My wife would later (melodramatically) describe this span of time as “the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” We looked at almost every house in our price range in the entire city as soon as it went up on Zillow. We toured about 50 in person. Some of them were terrible, but a few weren’t.
We put in offers and got them rejected, flashing back to grad school applications. A few were taken off the market within hours of being listed. This feels like your boss telling you that there’s a promotion up for grabs for someone on your team, then inviting everyone to lunch that same day to tell you all that that schmuck Jim already got it before you could even show off what you can do after that sixth cup of coffee. Among the offers that did get accepted were a house that wasn’t attached to the foundation and one that was foreclosed upon the next day. Eventually, we found a house that nobody took from under us, the offer got accepted, and it passed the inspection.
There were a few little things we ran into. Flooding that ruined the carpet in the basement, a gas leak that tried to kill us, a broken 90-year-old floor board. Little annoyances here and there, had to spend more than we wanted each time to fix them, but that’s why we had that rainy day fund. Then things really went downhill and the shit almost literally hit the fan. This is the incident that inspired me to warn everyone to just rent and do the Millennial thing as long as possible.
We discovered water pooling in our basement around the main drain. Knowing this was bad news, we mopped it up and hoped for the best. Then the smell came. Anytime we used water for more than a couple minutes, the entire house reeked of sewage. Fresh shit smell, everywhere. You think it’s bad when Norm squats down in the stall next to you after his 9:30 coffee? Imagine that in your bedroom, while you’re brushing your teeth, while you’re making breakfast. Another call to the plumber and we find out that the drain is plugged full of roots, and it’ll cost somewhere between a used ’05 Corolla and… well, a brand new Corolla.
So while we’re in the middle of that, I want to spread the word to my fellow postgrads. Don’t buy a house. If you really want to build equity, follow in the footsteps of the ever-wise Madoff and just get a townhouse. You might live next to some weirdo with a little loudmouth of a dog, but at least you’re a lot less likely to wake up to the smell of fresh sewage running through your vents. And I swear, if I hear one more person chuckle and say “Ha, the joys of homeownership…” I might be writing my next piece from lockup..
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@DoubleYeti
Ha, the joys of homeownership…
I will find you and I will kill you.
I guess you could say the lack of a thorough inspection was the… Root of all your problems
Alright, you’re safe… For now.
My dad finds a way to work this phrase into every conversation we have now, and I just bought a condo. He has many more joys of homeownership than I do.
Look over the reps and warranties in your purchase agreement. The seller may have had to disclose these issues.
Who the fuck did your inspection?
Fantastic question. Whoever did the inspection should be in lock up.
The problem is the inspector basically work for the realtor even though the buyer pays for the service. How many times is Joe going to inspect your house? Once. How many times will Stephanie the realtor recommend him to her clients? Hundreds.
Even if the inspector is horseshit, I would hope you have someone in your life that knows the risks of buying an old home. Roots through a sewage line is a common problem.
What I’m saying is it’s easy to get hosed if you don’t know what you’re doing because it’s in the realtor’s best interest for you to buy a house, regardless of condition, and it’s in the inspectors best interest to be recommended by the realtor over and over again since how many people have their own inspector to use? I’m done now.
According to my property book, You and your main squeeze got a case. When in doubt, SUE EVERYONE MUAHAHAHAHA.
Reminds me of my torts professor who was fond of saying “this is America, you can and should sue everyone.”
Apparently someone who doesn’t know think positive recommendations are important to his business. The guy took his time, but apparently that didn’t translate to being thorough. I never once saw mention of getting a sewer line inspected, but you bet I’m recommending it to all my friends.
Guy with no house buying experience: if this problem existed prior to your purchase and wasn’t disclosed, you have recourse.
It’s poop again!
This is why it’s important to have friends in trades (or be in one in my case). Also, it sounds like you bought an old ass house and didn’t expect shit to go wrong, which is crazy.
I’ll admit, we weren’t the most knowledgeable of home buyers, but we definitely did our research. We knew to expect problems with an old house, which is why the little things didn’t bother me. But after putting in a down payment, it hurts to be told you’ll have to spend even more than that just to not have poop water in your basement.
It’s tempting to go into the trades after seeing what we’re paying these guys, I must admit.
My recommendation for anyone buying a home for the first time is to watch a marathon of Holmes on Holmes or Holmes Makes It Right. That Canadian son of a bitch will show you stuff you didn’t even know could go wrong with a house.
Hope your problems get solved with as little headache and money as possible.
Every time I watch “This Old House” I just get pissed off, because four years in, I have concluded that the SOB who flipped my house took most of the shortcuts Tommy Silva rails against. Oh well, rather than going into trades I went into law, so when we discovered that the new master bathroom hadn’t been hooked up to the main drain line and was just draining directly into the backyard, I at least knew how to write a demand letter that got us a quick and generous settlement offer.
Lets not all pretend like we’re all experts in home buying. Its an intimidating and daunting process. I just bought a house and realtor had to hold my hand and talk to me like a pediatrician through out the whole process.
This is a bit risky but plan a vacation (a week long one) place thermite charges in obscure points around the house and set it to a timed detonation device. While you’re gone, the house will catch fire but there will be no traces of hydrocarbons so it doesn’t totally look like an insurance fraud case. The thermite will melt through the support structures by providing its own oxygen source and the house will crumble symmetrically, leaving your neighbors safe with minimal damage. Collect the check and put it toward a town house and also don’t take this suggestion too seriously.
Dude, we’ve been here three months. Do you really think I give a damn about the neighbors?
But yeah, insurance fraud can sound awfully tempting at times.
Well, I mean, he’s not wrong…
Ok ok how much Adderall did you take before writing that one
Don’t buy an old-ass house and not expect to have to work on it. If you want cheaper quality, you may have to move to the burbs.
Team Condos
Yeah I gotta piggyback on the inspection comment for everyone looking. We spent around $1200 on every inspection and test under the sun to make sure our house was good. Septic system inspection, water and air quality, general building, everything. If the inspection is under 3 hours the guy probably isn’t doing a thorough job.
Just had a major poop backup in my townhouse. That’s not the answer. No one is safe.