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I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not super religious. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I actually went to an all-girls Catholic high school, but if anything, that just made me less inclined to follow their rules. Moving in together before marriage does work for some people, but for most (and all examples I know of), it can really hurt the relationship, no matter how compatible they are.
There’s no incentive for him to propose.
I don’t view marriage as a license to start having babies. I hope to be married for at least two years before children even come up in conversation. Marriage is a decision about the person you’re choosing to share your whole life with. If you’re living with someone before you’re married, you’re already doing that. So, what incentive is there to get married unless you’re pregnant or trying to get pregnant very soon? I literally can’t think of anything, except taxes, and that’s only because I’m an accountant who is hard-wired to think about such things. The fact is, if you’re already cohabitating, and one of you is dragging their feet on the marriage concept, it’s going to cause arguments. Trust me, I’ve witnessed it firsthand. It affects everything from mortgage payments to picking out a new sectional, and in their case, it was only resolved with an accidental pregnancy. Now there’s a bump in ALL of her wedding pictures. Not exactly what you dream about when you were young.
There’s no incentive to not break up over living disagreements.
Breaking up over someone’s inability to put the coffee creamer back in the fridge or the annoying way that they chew ice or that awful painting of a cliché quote they hung in the entryway, doesn’t seem insane, unless of course you’ve committed 50% of your net worth to that person. Living with another human being is hard. Think back to how much you bickered with your siblings or fought with your parents growing up. Think about how your college roommates got on your nerves sometimes, and how honestly the only reason you didn’t fight with them more, was because you were either drunk or hungover 75% of the time, if not more, (especially senior year). The fact is, spending that much time with another human will annoy you. Being married is an incentive to work on it, and see the bigger picture of your lives together, which is pretty great.
There are awkward questions from relatives.
I’m from California, definitely the most perceived liberal state in this country, and I would make myself sick if I had to bring home a guy I was living with, but not married to. It’s been done before in my family, and it was definitely awkward. It just makes people feel like certain topics are off-limits, or they feel unsure whether they should acknowledge your living arrangement because they don’t know your exact state of mind on the issue. Are you in love? Was this just a convenient arrangement? Do you think you’ll get married someday? If so, then why did you just move-in instead of getting married? Questions at family gatherings have horrified me since I began my job search senior year in college, and they only get worse. So like, just wait until you’re planning a wedding and that’s all you want to talk about. Those questions will suddenly feel like an invitation to talk about yourself rather than a deposition.
It may hurt your parents.
Given, my parents are an anomaly. They met in high school and only dated each other for 10 years until they got married. They’ve always had the moral high ground on me. I used to think that if I moved in with a boyfriend they’d fight me on it. Actually, they’re really understanding, they know their story is uncommon. However, they would be so uncomfortable if I moved-in with a boyfriend before I was married. They’re both very traditional, my dad has scared every boy I’ve ever brought home, and they like the formality of dating. They’ve both supported me in every way for 20+ years, so even if I wanted to move in with a guy, it wouldn’t be worth upsetting one of the simplest plans they dreamed up for me, waiting until marriage. Which leads to my next point.
There’s nothing you’re saving for marriage.
Again, I’m not trying to get religious on you. I’ve fallen in love, on more than one occasion. I’ve also dated boys I knew I would never love. Any adult has the ability to make their own choices, and probably has with more than one person. This day in age, who knows how many people you’ll be with before you find someone you’re willing to commit the rest of your life to. When I get married, I know I won’t be able to listen to “Remember When” by Alan Jackson and feel like it even remotely describes my life, and that’s okay. I think it’s better for my future marriage that I’m taking the time to figure out what I want. But when I do make that commitment, I’ll be able to look forward to something that I’ve never done with any other guy I’ve dated, and that’s living with them. Living with a boyfriend/girlfriend is the virginity or “first” of our generation. Because, to be blunt, many of us had our “first” in an awkward encounter that predated college, any may or may not had a lasting impact. Living with your partner is intimate, it’s special, and sharing every single day is something I’m saving for my future husband.
While I know that if a couple truly shares the same timeline for their lives, and has a family that embraces cohabitating, I’m sure they’ll be very happy. And I truly hope they will be. But personally, I just want to save a romantic “first”, for marriage, and I can’t wait for that.
Respond
Great idea. That way, 6 months into the marriage you can have the joy of being blindsided by the fact that you hate living with this person and you regret getting married.
This advice is insane. If you realize that living together potentially hurts people’s relationships, why would you wait until marriage so that it can ruin yours? Nip that shit in the bud before you walk down the aisle, marriage isn’t going to magically make your relationship problem-free, you’ll just feel obligated to stay with someone incompatible.
You don’t do sarcasm do you?
Pot, meet Kettle.
You never truly know someone until you’ve lived with them.
The statement “you don’t know someone till you live with them” is nonsensical unless you haven’t truly taken the time to get to know someone beforehand. If someone is hard to live with it should be easily recognizable during a long, well thought out dating process. Also, the “compatibility” argument is ludicrous. Nobody is completely compatible. It takes work. If you think love, marriage, relationships are suppose to be easy than you should NEVER date. Seriously, never–because, I’m willing to bet it will fail every time. Eventually, a relationship should become more than mutual physical attraction and a list of petty commonalities between two people. Desire for the other person and their presence as a best friend has to materialize. This takes a lot of work and sacrifice. Something tells me in the long run, good relationships are about choosing love, instead of love acting like an indecisive adolescent that comes and goes whenever it “feels” right.
Even if I agreed with what you were saying, I can’t take you seriously until you learn to use than/then correctly.
I apologize for my grammar inaccuracies. I’ll be sure to review my sentences every now and than.
Something tells me you’re not completely compatible with anyone.
No, that idea of having to love with someone to know if you want to spend your life with them is just logical. It doesn’t matter how well you get along with someone if they’re a pain in the ass to live with.
Me and my college roommate are very close friends and get along great, love the guy to death, but I would never in a million years want to live with him again because he’s a massive slob.
Now extrapolate that to a romantic relationship. Imagine you’ve found the girl of your dreams, and love everything about her, but she constantly leaves used tampons lying around, never flushes the toilet, or does any kind of housework whatsoever, leaving you all stressed and resentful. Does that sound like a happy marriage?
Were you actually getting along with your roommate or just pretending to? Sounds to me like you harbored resentment the whole time.
To answer your question, no it doesn’t sound like a happy marriage. You should know if she is a slob before you move in with her. Eventually two people will become comfortable enough to show their true selves. His/Her sloppiness will show at some point and if this is a deal breaker for you then by all means you should break it off. I hardly think that should be reason to end a relationship but if the person is uncompromising on their filth than I could definitely understand. However, if two people actually care about one another, picking up tampons won’t be that hard of a habit to squash.
There will always be something you have to work at and moving in with someone is not going to change that. The weird idea that marriage has to be a land of bliss is ridiculous. It was never meant for that.
No it was genuinely a case if best friends should live together.
I’m not naive enough to think marriage is gonna be bliss, I’m just saying it’s reasonable to want to “test drive” living together for a year or so before you commit your life to another person like that. Idk about you, but I want to be as close to certain as possible that if I get married it’ll stick, and not just be a “well we’re both in our late 20’s and times running out, so even though we can’t stand each other, let’s get married” scenario
Wow I can’t type. Should *not live together
I think the people have spoken.
I don’t judge those who try it. But I don’t think it is as practical of a solution to marriage as people suggest.
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
I definitely see what you’re saying, but moving in with my now ex-boyfriend (notice the “ex” part) prevented me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. If we wouldn’t have decided to move in together and just gotten married, I would’ve wasted thousands of dollars on a wedding that would’ve eventually ended up in a divorce.
I think any of us that has been in a serious long-term relationship, there’s really no point to moving in before marriage. Most of the time, one of you is staying at the other’s place on a nightly basis and if its a weekend, you’re most likely together all day. There really isn’t too much more mystery to your partner at this point. Plus living separately forces both of you to have your own lives.
You literally just made the case for why you should move in with your serious, long-term significant other. It’s about convenience as much as it is about love and commitment.
Well no, the point I am making is that there is not a “need” to live with a sig. other before getting married as you have spent enough time to know how they live. I think my last statement would completely contradict the case for why you should move in.
“There’s no incentive for him to propose.” Unless you’re waiting till marriage to have sex, this ship has sailed. I didn’t marry my wife because I was incentivized. I married her because I wanted to be with her and LIVE with her forever – how do you think I made that assessment?
“There’s no incentive to not break up over living disagreements.” You really mean there’s no disincentive to break up over living disagreements – and that disincentive is going through a divorce. So you should be forced to live with someone who annoys the living shit out of you every day because you didn’t figure that shit out in advance by living with them. Good call.
I’d dismantle your other arguments, but they aren’t very strong. Skip to the last one. Your marriage isn’t defined by living together. Chances are you already sleep together every night, so putting all your shit in a house together and buying ikea crap isn’t romantic. Get over that idea now. I get you want stuff to “feel” different after your’e married, but should you? When you decide to spend the rest of your lives together shouldn’t it be because you like they way your relationship is right now? Sure, hopefully it grows and develops and all that good shit – but I don’t think you should be shooting for some big transformation after your wedding day.
My wife and I lived together before we were married and it worked for us and contrary to your anecdotal evidence, every one of my friends who is married lived together beforehand. I’ve lived with girlfriends that didn’t work out and I’m glad I did – because they sucked and I’m glad living together helped me realize that. If your relationship ends after moving in together it isn’t a bad thing, it’s a good thing. You’re saving yourself a lot of agony that would likely lead to a divorce after trying to trudge through your shitty life together for several years.
Moving together is always a personal choice. I respect the decision of those who decide to wait till marriage and I hope they feel the same for those who do it before they’ve tied the knot. As a girl who also went to a Catholic high school and has been living with her man for over two years, I personally have found more merit in cohabitation.
First off, we never felt our reason for moving in together was about furthering the relationship or becoming closer. We had two main reasons for our decision.
1) We were tired of dealing with roommates. If I was over at his place more than once a week his roommates would bitch. They liked me, but guys don’t want women invading their personal apartments. We couldn’t watch a movie while cuddling on the couch because it made them feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t allowed to leave some food there for myself and take up fridge space, so I was always hungry. And it’s hard to get off when I had to be dead quiet during sex or else the guys would start banging on the walls and screaming for us to stop.
2) We saw it as more financially responsible. We didn’t split food bills with our roommates. Someone would always complain that one person was eating more than another. I once had a roommate who said that I used more toilet paper than her so declared we had to buy our own. Now instead of a ketchup bottle at each of our apartments, now we only need one. He and I don’t both have to go out and buy sets of dishes, flatware, or kitchen chairs. There is no reason to have two sets of anything when we’d just had to get rid of a set once we did get married and move in together.
We were together for four years before we decided to move in together. You may think why didn’t we just get married, but we both were getting multi-year advanced degrees. It would have been irresponsible to be married before our education was complete. When we moved in we did have the plan to be married when we could, and we became engaged once we graduated. I’ve seen many couples move in together and the horrible breakup that ensues. They also have not been dating as long and were not even thinking about marriage at the time.
Living together was the best decision we’ve made for this relationship. It was not our motivation, but we did grow much closer together. I’m not saying in the beginning we meshed perfectly, but we worked and improved our mannerisms over time. Besides, it’s wonderful to come back from a late night in the lab to have a warm meal on the table and a kiss from a handsome cook. You just don’t get that from a roommate.
This isn’t a meant to be a smart comment. But what difference would it have made, had you decided to be married and continued furthering your education at the same time? What would’ve have changed the relationship? You are doing literally everything a married couple does?
As I said, we both believe that it would have been irresponsible.
When one becomes married, their spouse becomes their biggest priority. As students, our education should be put above all else. Making education the second priority would have been irresponsible.
People who marry must be able to support themselves fully. We both had full rides to graduate school and research assistantships that paid us each $24,000 a year. We lived cheaply and within this budget, but we were still on our parent’s health insurances. In addition, with this amount of money we could not afford to build an emergency fund. If anything were to go wrong, we knew we had our parents to lean on. Thankfully we never had to, but being married while still somewhat financially dependent on our parents would have been irresponsible.
The graduate research positions we were in gave us livable salaries, but we knew they were only temporary. We still needed to find permanent jobs after graduation that paid a good salary and had benefits and job security. Becoming married without us having this kind of job would have been irresponsible.
Finally, planning a wedding takes a lot of time, energy, and money. These are all things that had to be put towards completing our education. Taking away these to concentrate on a wedding would have been irresponsible.
Spend a weekend at their apartment — that will give you all the info you need. No reason to jump into a 12 month lease with a newly minted significant other.
This is the most idiotic article I’ve read on PGP. Get your head out of the sand, this is 2014.
http://i1082.photobucket.com/albums/j370/Jezey/tumblr_mb12ygCA891rzz3r3o1_500.gif
Spot on. Some rare couples who have a codependence complex can make it work. I’ve heard people say that you have to know how a person lives first. I’d say visit their apartment/house and see how it is. You don’t need to smell their shits every morning to get a good read on their bathroom habits.
Except when you visit their apartment/house, you’re seeing the very best version of themselves. Kind of like when guys put off cleaning their place all week right until they go out/expect to bring someone home.
“Be careful of what kind of leaders you’re making here.”