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Female obsession with the pickled cucumber (yes, a pickle is just a cucumber that’s been sitting in vinegar, brine, and a bunch of other shit) probably goes back before I was born. Or maybe it’s one of those millennial things. All I know is that the girls I hang around with are past the point of obsession in regards to pickles and I find it really quite funny. It’s laughably absurd how much girls my age like pickles, and I have no idea why.
“Okay, who wants my pickle?”
It’s a phrase that is no doubt muttered all over this country every single day. A pickle spear served with your sandwich is a staple in America. I don’t know if this was stolen from another country, and I don’t care to Google it, so let’s just assume that it’s an American custom.
I’ve watched girls specifically request a plate of pickle chips. Just a plate with sliced up pickles. What the fuck is that?
I’ve never been a huge pickle fan. Sure, I’ll allow them on a cheeseburger or a Cuban sandwich, but the relationship between pickle and woman is something I cannot even begin to try and explain. I’ve read articles in Women’s Day magazine just listing different kinds of pickles to eat. Every girl I’ve ever had the pleasure of dining out with loves pickles. I once knew a girl in college who, upon finishing a jar of pickles, would drink the juice. I know “pickle back” shots are commonplace in 2017, but it’s past the point of obsession with women.
I know that there will be people out there who are going to read this and call me a pig. A woman hater. I assure you that this is not the case. Not all girls like pickles. I know this. But let’s call a spade a spade for a second. Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason, and if there isn’t already a stereotype about girls loving pickles, then let it be known that I was the originator of it.
On this day, May 11, 2018, I am declaring that all girls love pickles. It almost annoys me how obsessive they are over pickles. Sure, we could say that the phallic shape of a pickle spear is why they’re drawn to them, but I’ve hung out with lesbians who say they love pickles.
But why? Why do they like pickles so much when they come in that gross jar full of vinegar and brine? The pickle aisle at grocery stores grosses me out. It reminds me of movies where the main character is exploring a rundown mental hospital and there are a bunch of fetuses and human organs floating around in jars.
And it’s not just spears. It’s sweet pickles. Dill pickles. Bread and butter pickles. As long as the fairer sex is getting that weird, almost sour taste, they’re satisfied. Me personally? I could probably go the rest of my life without eating another pickle.
For one thing, I wouldn’t be caught dead just eating pickles on their own. That’s psychotic. Like I said, they’re fine on cheeseburgers. Fantastic on a Cuban sandwich. But I honestly can’t think of any other food where I really need pickles. I don’t even need them on cheeseburgers or Cubans come to think of it, but it’s a nice touch.
I just don’t get it on a fundamental level. Maybe it’s a hormonal thing. Maybe, subconsciously, I’m judging women too hard and I’ll get a bunch of anonymous Tumblr messages telling me that, actually, women hate pickles. But I doubt that. All women love pickles. I don’t get it, but there’s a lot of things I don’t get about women. Perhaps it’s just better to stop questioning things I don’t understand..