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I don’t take theft lightly. After lifting one of my buddy’s Emmitt Smith rookie cards as a young gun, I quickly realized that stealing wasn’t for me. I didn’t have the chops to shamelessly take what wasn’t mine. It wasn’t until someone asked to borrow my desk iPhone cord to charge their phone only to never return it despite claiming they did that theft re-entered my life. That Employee Who Shall Not Be Named is no longer with us, and unfortunately, neither is said iPhone cord.
But this past Friday, Content Alley™ was compromised. It was at 4:36 p.m. that a Slack message lit up everyone’s collective phone (except Veronica, who definitely doesn’t have the Slack app) from a one Dan Regester. “Who jacked my laptop power cord?” he asked.
The response? A deafening silence. That is, until he walked back into Content Alley™ this morning around 9:06 a.m.
“So who took my cord?” he reiterated. Again, silence. Which is why we now need to get to the bottom of this.
Dave
Why Dave stole it: He looks like Vladimir Putin and, much like Putin, Dave will do anything to get ahead. Once a day, I see my iPhone cord snaking from my desk’s power port to Dave’s desk which sits right next to me. It’s plugged into his phone. Does he ask to use my charger? No. Can I say anything to him about it? Again, no, he’s the person who hired me. He scratched my back so I’m sitting here scratching his.
Why Dave didn’t steal it: Dave’s a man of the law. Yeah, no big deal, but he passed the bar and is allowed to practice law in the great state of Texas. He’s not a thief. Furthermore, if Dave was a thief, he’d just take my iPhone cord rather than leaving it plugged in on my desk.
Jared
Why Jared stole it: If I had to describe Jared’s fashion sense in one phrase, it would be “Dick’s Sporting Goods Clearance Rack.” He’ll do anything to save a buck. Does that mean theft? Perhaps. There’s a bottle of chipotle-flavored Tabasco sauce that’s been sitting on his desk for the past year. Yes, he stole it from Chipotle. He also likes to fuck with Dan possibly more than anyone else in the office. To say that Jared is the early prime suspect is an understatement.
Why Jared didn’t steal it: Had this been Micah’s cord? Yeah, we could easily blame Jared and move on. Hell, he already stole Micah’s identity and blue checkmark. Sure, Jared likes to ruffle Dan’s feathers, but stealing his livelihood just seems too far.
Veronica
Why Veronica stole it: Accusing Veronica of stealing something is a one-way ticket to her shitlist. If she stole the shirt off my back, I probably wouldn’t even accuse her of doing such a thing because she’d verbally slander me within Content Alley™ for the next three months. This is a woman who fills the entire office with balloons on her birthday. She’s about flash, flare, and theatrics. She knows she can do this and get away with it.
Why Veronica didn’t steal it: Veronica was gone early on Friday. Real early. Just after our regular weekly content meeting, she chose to work from home for the rest of the day with Ross. For Dan to not realize his cord was gone for two-and-a-half full hours would be shocking.
Ross
Why Ross stole it: Ross is not a member of Content Alley™. He’s a member of Content Alley 2.0™, which is the cubicle area just behind Content Alley™. He knows Dan won’t roll over to his desk and case the joint trying to find it. He knows that he’s Dan’s superior. He knows that he can get away with it.
Why Ross didn’t steal it: As proven earlier, Ross was working from home for most of the afternoon. He forgot to do Fail Friday until late in the day, so yes, we know he was grinding away from his couch while watching horror movies because that’s what Ross does. Ross also puts out a “I have a charger in the office and a charger at home” vibe. He’s been here long enough to have both.
Dillon
Why Dillon stole it: Dillon’s been on a hot streak lately, and no, I’m not talking about with the ladies. Without asking, he’s been snaking cords left and right. “Where’d my cord go?” I asked the other day only to look over to his desk and see it plugged into his laptop in the most half-ass way possible. But he admitted to taking it because he’s not only a man of his word, but a friend. Could he have possibly taken Dan’s cord, though? Well, he’s in Jared territory right now.
Why Dillon didn’t steal it: When asked by Dave, Dillon gave an emphatic “No.” You don’t ask Dillon the same question twice – partially because he’s an imposing figure and partially because he’s a no-bullshit question answerer. “Answerer” isn’t a word but we’re sticking with it here.
Will
Why Will stole it: I’ve been wronged in the past. I’ve had cords taken from me, and maybe, just maybe, I’m looking for blood. Would I take it out on Dan, though? No, Dan’s never done anything to me. He’s also much larger than me and could easily beat me up.
Why Will didn’t steal it: I keep close tabs on my cords after That Employee Who Shall Not Be Named took off with my iPhone cord. If someone stole mine, I’d find the thief – not just take Dan’s.
So, who was it?
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I guess now we know what Duda did to get fired.
I was voter #69 and that will probably be my greatest accomplishment of the day
Nice
it micah.
I’m gonna come out of left field and say it was Barrett because he’s probably designing an ill fall fit that uses the chord as a low profile scarf ladened with argyle tassels because argyle is coming back for fall ’17. Then he’s gonna come on the podcast and make everyone feel like shit for dressing behind the fashion trend while also publicly endorsing the scarf lobby that has a massive presence in our political realm because nothing actually matters anymore
Gotta respect Dan’s dedication to making gainz by having an entire chicken on his desk.
Was coming down here to comment on this exact thing.
He ate one for breakfast the other day
None of the above. Dan lost it at home and thinks someone stole it because he thinks he’s too smart to lose something.
Nah, it was Veronica.
Even if she did it and publicly owned up to it, I can’t see this going well for you. Word on the street is that she’s a bit vindictive, which is a word that can be used in next week’s “Dan Does Words”
Betting he lost it.
Those office chairs look like a chill situation.
I’m thinking Madison took it.
Dan definitely just lost it.