Where Are They Now: Every Character From Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”

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“Piano Man,” by the great Billy Joel. Some songs just never get old and will always hold a special place in your heart. For many people out there, it can instantly make you stop and sing along while haphazardly finishing your beer. Piano man has a particular special place in my heart as I can barely recall many formals and weddings with some of my best friends drunkenly belting out the lyrics and a slurred, “Oh, La la la, di da da. La la, di da da da dum” We all know the words and the characters, I’m here to tell you their stories and where they are now.

The Old Man Sitting Next To Me

The old man who was sitting next to you making love to his Gin and Tonic was actually named Todd the first. After numerous attempts at climbing the corporate ladder, Todd never quite made it past entry-level jobs even though he always thought the world was his oyster. A lifetime of excessive drinking, poor diet, and lack of exercise would catch up to Old Todd. He passed away quietly in obscurity never knowing he fathered a son, Todd Jr.

John At The Bar

John eventually got caught stealing drinks and giving them to Bill for free. He was subsequently banned for life from that bar. Eventually, with nothing holding him back anymore, John left and trekked to Hollywood. After a few obscure roles and struggling on the west coast, John made it big. His role starring as the lead in the classic Saturday Night Fever set the tone for a successful career as a Hollywood star. With that role, he won his first Golden Globe and Academy Award. He went on to act in other classics like Grease, Pulp Fiction, Swordfish, Killing Season, Battlefield Earth, and Faceoff. John never ceased to be quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. And we all came to realize he wasn’t lying when he was certain he could be a movie star if he, “could just get out of this place.”

Paul The Real Estate Novelist

Paul, formally known as Paul Slater, made a name for himself fixing up older homes and foreclosures then selling them at a profit and eventually finished his book Buy Low, Sell High: The Quick Fixer Upper. After his first million, Paul diversified and also ventured into building overpriced luxury apartments, investing, and even bought stock in Grandex after seeing their numbers at their valuation. Between all of his business endeavors, motivational speaking tour, and book royalties Paul had a net worth of 16.2 million dollars.

After that Paul eventually did make time to settle down… three times. Two messy divorces later Paul still has a respectable net worth of just over 14.6 million. Paul met his current wife Nancy on Match.com while she was finishing her Masters degree at age 25. They’ve been happily married for six years and Paul made sure to have an air-tight pre-nup this time. He and Nancy enjoy traveling together on their Hatteras 77 Convertible Yacht in their spare time.

Davy

David Heintz, known as Davy to his friends, served a respectable career in the US Navy. He first enlisted in 1967 and bravely served in the Vietnam conflict. Davy continued to serve until his retirement as a Chief Petty Officer in 1987. Davy eventually married and had three children. He lived happily as a veteran, family man, and active member of his community until finally succumbing to ALS in 2003. Donations can be made on his behalf to further research for a cure here.

The Waitress

Known only as the waitress, Kaitlin Caffey, fell on tough times. She eventually became pregnant after sharing one too many drinks they call “loneliness.” Ironically enough, it’s suspected the father just so happened to be a small time politician passing through her bar. However, due to her habit of sharing that drink, she could not truly identify who the father was, and eventually gave up her daughter for adoption.

After that, her life slowly spiraled downward as she developed a severe case of depression, lost her waitressing job, and started abusing prescription drugs which lead to a heroin problem. Kaitlin’s last known location was the small Florida town of Kissimmee where she was arrested on misdemeanor shoplifting charges. She is currently still wanted in the state of Ohio on felony drug charges.

The Businessman

The businessman (who very much enjoyed getting stoned) was actually better known as William Benson. William worked as a financial consultant with a job that took him to many businesses and practices across the United States. Eventually, William retired early and moved to Colorado in mid-2009. He did so tactfully to be on the forefront of the new medical marijuana industry. He cashed out his retirement and invested in a dispensary where he proceeded to combine his 2 hobbies: getting stoned, and business. He then ventured out to invest in such companies as Cheeba Chew, IncRedibles, and Dixie Elixirs all of which he now sells medically and recreationally at his dispensary. Sales in Colorado hit over 300 million this year, so it’s safe to assume William is enjoying his semi-retirement and gets stoned much more these days. All three of the MMJ companies he’s invested are planning to expand as the laws adjust.

The Piano Man

I think we all know how things worked out for him. .

Image via Shutterstock

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PostGradShibby

Same old Shibbster. Founder of #MargLife and the blumpkin beer craze. ShibbyTFM@Gmail.com

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