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A few months ago, I went out with a guy I met on Bumble. He was taller than I expected, had a nice smile, and was every bit as funny and charismatic as he seemed via text. The date went well, and we agreed we should see each other again. About a week later I hadn’t heard anything, so I reached out. We ended up going out again and having a great time, but again, I heard nothing from him after that. I gave it one more try, we small-talked over text for a bit, and it was done. Despite the great chemistry I thought I had observed, it was clear he wasn’t into me so I let it go.
In college, I would have let this type of situation drive me into a hurricane of frustration. “How can he not like me? We have so much fun together! I’m hot! We both hate Calvin Harris! I smoked weed for him!” It was always a shallow, egocentric thought process. I wouldn’t take a moment to see things from his point of view, because in my mind, he didn’t get one. He wasn’t a person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, or goals; he was a guy. A prize awarded to me for being attractive, or funny, or impressive to his friends, or good at sex. He was personal validation. And if I didn’t get him to do what I wanted, it registered as a personal failure. I would rack my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong, or what I could have done to make him see things my way. And, because there was nothing I wanted more than something I was told I couldn’t have, I would fight for it.
Of course, ambition for the unattainable is a positive thing in many facets of life. You see a challenge, pursue it, and if you are successful, reap the spoils of your success. It is part of mankind’s natural inclination to compete. It gives you an edge in your career, your education, and your fitness, just to name a few. Not only is it immensely satisfying to conquer a challenge, but it helps you grow as a person.
In terms of dating, however, this mindset is largely ego-motivated, and dating is one of the few facets of life in which ego must take a backseat. To truly get to know someone is to resist the urge to simply convince them to like you. It challenges you to actually listen to what they are saying instead of pretending to listen while planning what to say next. And it trains you to pick up on nonverbal signs that indicate – for reasons inside or outside the scope of your control – they just might not be into you.
For most of us, the college dating pool was a fishbowl. Even at bigger schools, our campus affiliations made it almost impossible not to run into people we have been involved with at some point. It’s easy to get hung up on someone when they are constantly being dangled in front of your nose, and it’s easy to take things personally when things don’t go your way despite the fact that you did everything you could. However, post-college life opens your eyes to the radical idea that the world doesn’t revolve around you. Your first job search brings to light the audacity of companies whose hiring decisions put their own best interests before yours- your boss only cares about your personal development if it will help you fetch his Starbucks faster, and courting a romantic interest takes more than simply showing up to the same party. It requires equal honest effort from both sides. If one side is consistently putting out more effort, it won’t be long before it stops altogether.
Personally, I’ve observed that those who adopt a “cut the shit” approach to dating are generally happier, regardless of their relationship status. At our age, we really don’t have the time or energy to devote to being strung along anymore. If someone likes you, they like you. If they don’t, they don’t. You don’t get to appeal their decision, because if the ball is in their court, it is ultimately their decision. If you look at it this way, dating has actually become a lot more black and white. Mind games, mystery, and playing hard-to-get simply aren’t as effective anymore. If the person is still into you after a date, they will let you know. If not, at least you got a fun night and some free beer out of it. .
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Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
tina_mihel
I agree completely, although I wish I ran into more people that don’t want to play the game anymore. I don’t have the time or energy to devote towards making sure I wait exactly 52 minutes before I respond to a text. If I see it, I respond, because otherwise I’ll forget for two days.
My one correction: At least I got to buy a girl some drinks. It only gets to be free for one of us haha
As someone who just tried to veto a rejection, this was a much needed kick in the balls.
“In terms of dating, however, this mindset is largely ego-motivated, and dating is one of the few facets of life in which ego must take a backseat.”
This article needed to be written. Can we all just agree that games suck and are stupid?! If you want a hookup, cool, be upfront about it. If you’re not sure what you want, be upfront about it. If you’re looking to date, also cool, be upfront about it. Some of us actually want to date someone and get to know them outside of the 1 am “You up?” Just don’t be a psycho and look for a ring after the fourth date.
Couldn’t agree more; it’s a lot easier to just cut the bullshit and the games. I don’t play stupid texting games like waiting X number of minutes before I respond, etc. Makes dating, especially on apps, a lot less stressful.
Right, who has time to wait to respond or then even remember to?! I’ll answer when I see it or as soon as I can after.
Also, last time I checked, responding in a reasonable time frame is called having manners.
Yup. My goal was always to get to know someone and figure out if we should pursue something within a week or two. If a girl acted like she was playing games, I’d tell them and if the response was positive, it showed they were legitimate. If they got angry or pissed off, it usually showed that they were simple there to get attention without regard for any guys.
‘Sup?
I waited an hour hopefully that’s not “too eager”.
“I smoked weed for him!” You make that sound like a punishment. Did he lock you in his car while he hotboxed it?
Well done Best. It’s nice to hear that girls are experiencing some of the same dating tribulations as guys are
Good for you for figuring this out. The guy sounds like somewhat of a douche though – the least he could’ve done is tell you straight up that he wasn’t into you. If he wasn’t sure after the first date, he sure as shit was after the second.
I used to try and fight for myself and the sake of dating someone I really like if I was rejected but now I just embrace rejection. I’m much more practical because I just reply, you’re probably right, I really don’t want to spend money, not have sexy time, and be forced into listening to terrible conversations between ppl I don’t even know when I wasn’t even there and I’m thrilled that I don’t have to make plans for this weekend 17 weekends in advance as if i can fully promise that I’ll still be alive by then.
Couldn’t agree more. Was always told I will “have to play games.” I always refused and never had to spend more than a week or two getting to know someone to know if it would go anywhere. There were times I thought women were more prone to using men and seeing them as an object. This is the confirmation of that.
Very well written and this echoes my current mindset.