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I sat at my table in a drunken stupor, intoxicated not only by cheap margaritas but the conversation unfolding in front of me. I was trading rounds with two girls — one my girlfriend, the other my girlfriend’s best friend — their mouths moving a mile a minute talking about upcoming weddings this summer and whether or not they would be beautifully done or unmitigated disasters. I had become a third party casual observer five minutes in with nothing of value to contribute to the conversation.
I’ve been to several weddings, a large majority of them happening during my teenage years because I have a very large extended family with cousins of varying ages. I’ve attended a few as a plus one, but the common theme throughout all of them is that I’ve simply had to show up. Very little planning was required of me to attend these things. Show up and drink free booze (or try and sneak it from unsuspecting adults when I was a teenager) was the motto I always stuck by.
And I, of course, knew that the groom was consulted on menu items for the dinner and it is custom for the groom to pay for the open bar, but other than that I really had no idea the scope and preparation that goes into the planning one of these things.
Before I became a fly on the wall for this conversation about something that I think most girls dream about their entire lives, I’ve never thought about marriage for more than a few minutes at a time.
That’s my immaturity and fear of the future rearing its ugly head, but it’s the truth. The planning and money that is involved in one of these things is astounding, and it has never been more clear to me than when I was at this table pounding margs and eating stale tortilla chips by the handful.
I took a lot of things out of that conversation, but the one thing that stuck with me and that I really took to heart was that a wedding is not about the groom.
“It’s not about you” was the phrase of the evening, and I haven’t been able to shake it since I’ve heard it. Even if I do get married one day, I am merely a supporting actor- a backdrop and accouterment to the flawless bride. “It’s not about you” doesn’t just include the groom, though.
And for the record, I have no problem with it being this way, but I truly didn’t realize that weddings worked like this until that conversation. A bride-to-be knows that all eyes are on her and who wouldn’t want that?
I would ask questions intermittently to these girls while they shit on destination weddings and opined about DJ versus band, and they’d look at me like I was a fucking alien.
“What do you mean ‘is the choosing of a bridal party contentious?’”
“Of course my mom was trying to micromanage, John, but you have to put your foot down.”
“Well truth be told, I don’t really love the idea of an outdoor ceremony,” I said naively.
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU LOVE!” the two girls screamed in unison.
Me, being a wedding novice, knew nothing about the hardships that a bride goes through when choosing who her bridesmaids are going to be. I had no idea that “too many cooks in the kitchen” could apply to wedding planning.
I also had no clue that my preferences for a wedding in the summer or fall, in my hometown or in Chicago, or what time of year my wedding was to take place would be of no consequence. According to these two girls, a groom’s ideas about what a wedding should look like will fall on deaf ears.
I learned through a series of shouts, yelps, and harsh swear words that someone’s feelings are always going to get hurt when choosing the bridal party. One must always remember the age-old adage, though: “It’s not about you.”
And if you’re not the bride, you really have to remember that. A wedding for someone else is never going to be about you, and the sooner you get it through your head that this is simply the way it is, the sooner you will know that it is imperative to go with the flow.
I’m at an age now where my friends are considering getting married, but not quite at the point where I’m saving PTO days in bulk so that I can get to every single one of them. I can see the flurry of invitations on the horizon, but for now, I am in a sort of calm before the storm situation.
I’m sure that this information – the whole “a wedding is about the bride and literally no one else” spiel – is not news to most, but for the uninitiated like myself, I thought this would be a helpful tip. This way you won’t have to spend a night drinking poorly made, incredibly sugary margaritas and getting accosted by the fairer, more knowledgeable sex about anything and everything regarding weddings..
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
In other news, water is indeed, wet.
If my future husband doesn’t suggest taking 1-10 tequila shots and then eloping in Vegas, then I am not too sure he the man for me.
Someone has to want to marry you first. At this rate you might as well just start a pen pal relationship with someone in jail.
Jokes on you, I wouldn’t even be marriage material to a convicted felon. Emotionally unavailable is kinda my thing.
Sup?
Groom pays for the open bar? What is this, the 1950s?
Got engaged about two weeks ago and the biggest relief has been knowing my fiancee doesn’t want my help in planning anything
Mine is in a month and my fiancé minored in event planning. The most I’ve done is put stamps on the invites and made sure the groomsmen have their shit together. It’s been awesome.
I’d like to think the bride will give some say to the groom, unless the bride is like Girl
Pretty sure mine and my friends’ conversations about weddings go “Was there an open bar?” “Yep, and they got taco bell at the end” “Sweet”
I don’t even read Dudas articles anymore, just come to the comments to see him getting roasted.
“When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fuckin’ band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes, you sing lead. And sometimes, you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fuckin’ smile, because no one wants to see a mad tambourine player. If you’re gonna play the tambourine, play it right. Play it with your ass.”
-Chris Rock
It may not be about the groom, but since I’m paying for half, fuck me if I’m not going to ensure I enjoy the menu choices and have an open bar. Also, my fiancee wants an outdoor ceremony, and I think that’s fine, but I’m putting my foot down on having it somewhere that if weather sucks ass we can easily move it indoors.
My wife encouraged me to be in the planning process and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I also supported her in what she wanted.