If you haven’t noticed, I like to take little things that people do and make large, sweeping generalizations of what those people are really like. You can do this with lots of stuff: taste in music, favorite movies, the car they drive, the kind of porn they watch, basically anything that requires a choice. But in an even more narrow way, I believe you can understand everything you need to know about a person by the alarm he or she uses on his or her phone to wake up. It has to be upbeat enough to wake you up, but it also has to be something you won’t get tired of. This one life choice can make you completely predictable as a human being. It’s like a horoscope, except actually accurate.
1. “Happy,” Pharrell
You change your alarm once a month, just like you change your girlfriend or boyfriend, your clothing style, and your opinions on just about anything. You make an effort to always pick the most upbeat and happy song–a little on the nose in this case, don’t you think? Someday, you’ll settle down with someone nice, and hopefully by then you won’t get your morning music cues from Ryan Seacrest.
2. “Panama,” Van Halen
You know that in order to function in the morning, you need more than some light, bouncy, pop tune. You require the heavy intensity that only David Lee Roth’s vocals can provide. You think you were born in the wrong decade, but you’ve accepted it. You think modern music sucks, and you call anyone who dresses moderately well a hipster. Your mornings are pretty rough, so it really helps when someone reminds you to get up and let nothing get you down.
3. “Space Jam,” Quad City DJs
When you were eight years old, the tragedy of your life was that you couldn’t wake up to this song every morning. The opening line is perfect for it: “Everybody get up, it’s time slam now.” Back then, the technology wasn’t available, but you promised yourself that if it ever was, you wouldn’t let yourself wake up without it again. And now look at you. You enjoy what you’re doing, but you don’t make much money. You have a lot of friends, and every morning you get welcomed to the jam. Not bad.
Also, you might be me.
4. “Turn Down For What,” DJ Snake And Lil Jon
You follow what’s popular a little too closely, but you have a good amount of self awareness. You treat every day like a party, so you want to wake up in that mindset. Also, you almost definitely let the song keep playing as you walk around the room, dancing a little for no one but yourself.
5. “Sussudio,” Phil Collins
You’re overall satisfied with your life, and you’re actually pretty excited to get up every day. Your job is awesome, you’re on track to be in management in the next five years, and your girlfriend enjoys giving blowjobs. Congrats man, enjoy Phil.
6. “Only Shallow,” My Bloody Valentine
You have really good taste in music, a fact that is made a little bit irrelevant by the fact that you’re an insufferable prick. Look, I get it. My Bloody Valentine is one of the most underrated bands of all time–I agree with that. But the fact that you wake up with a reminder to yourself of how specific and selective your musical preferences are doesn’t do you any favors in life.
7. “Wannabe,” Spice Girls
You’re high maintenance, but you know it. You also at least have the good sense to pick a song that’s a window back into the time when you used to be a little princess. Now that you’re a big princess, you need some of that nostalgia to get prepared for your big day of running your boyfriend’s existence.
8. “Jailhouse,” Sublime
Dude, why do you have an alarm? It’s not like you have a job to get to.
9. “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta,” Geto Boys
You’re a light sleeper, so you place a lot more importance on being in the right frame of mind when you get up. What better way than to the soundtrack of “Office Space”? You know that you’re going to be cubicle drone, pre-hypnotization Ron Livingston once you get to the office, so you’ll take any opportunity you can to momentarily feel like you’ve found enlightenment, and don’t give a fuck anymore.
10. Standard Phone Tone
You are boring, put no thought into your life, and I hate you.
All of this is obviously making the assumption that the person in question is using his or her phone to wake up. There is, of course, the chance this person still uses an old school alarm clock that shakes the room like a thermonuclear bomb at Bikini Atoll. What that says is that this person knows a puny song won’t wake him or her up, and they still rely on the “older brother slapping him or her in the face until they get up” method of awakening. And there’s nothing wrong with that–I just don’t like that I can’t make any judgemental conclusions about that person’s personality.