What Your Favorite Mediocre Chain Pizza Restaurant Says About You

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I usually prefer what is considered to be “nice” pizza at a family-owned, sit down place where I can get a carafe of house red and an over dressed Italian salad. But that’s not always available, and sometimes, it’s not what I really want. With a chain pizza place, you know what you’re getting every time is going to be pretty much the same: Just “pizza.”

Whether you’re drunk, high or just too lazy to give even the smallest of fucks, here’s what your chain restaurant pizza chain of choice might be saying about you.

DOMINO’S: You like people to apologize to you.

I feel like every few months, Domino’s puts out another ad that goes like so: “Look, we screwed up. We’re sorry. And we know we’re not perfect, but we’re trying. Just give us another chance, baby. We promise we’ll taste better to you. Look, if you give us another chance, we’ll meet you halfway with a free pizza. You just have to buy one. And we’ll give you the other one, on us. C’mon, baby. Relationships are about compromise. Please, let’s just meet up and talk about it. Domino’s loves you.”

That being said, the only reason I ever order Domino’s is because of that Pizza Tracker. Goddamn, I love that thing. Sometimes, I’ll be banged up at home by myself, and while I could get something else, I’ll order some Domino’s just to hang out with that little dude on the screen. Real talk. “My order’s in the oven! Fuck yeah.” Look guys, we all get lonely sometimes.

LITTLE CAESAR’S: You’re poor.

At just five dollars for a large carry out in most markets, it probably says you’re broke. But since Little Caesar’s is a carry out only location, you might not necessarily be lazy.

I myself love Little Caesar’s, mostly because I’m from Michigan, and it reminds me of endless birthday parties and Friday nights with my family as a kid. But mostly I love it because the location by me has a drive-thru, and I’m frequently poor and lazy. But that doesn’t help me if I’m drunk and I can’t drive.

PIZZA HUT: You hate yourself.

I don’t know what Pizza Hut soaks its crust in, but I’m pretty sure part of the recipe includes a secret potion that gives you raging heartburn five minutes afterwards that makes you want to drown yourself in a five-gallon bucket of Pepto Bismol, and also contains another super secret potion that will give your butthole the ability to urinate for up to two full days. Add on the fact that every other pizza has an exterior crust filled with what they call “cheese,” and I’d say ordering from Pizza Butt means even though you have given up on your body, you haven’t given up on hating yourself.

I ate one leftover piece before bed last week and woke up with such flaming heartburn, that I actually puked up MORE booze than I possibly could have still had in my body. This wasn’t a drunk barf, mind you, but a heartburn barf where nothing was going to fix the problem better than a finger down my throat at 5am so I could get some decent sleep.

Of course, ordering from there could also mean that you have the stomach of a champion, and if that is your reason for braving “The Butt,” then I tip my Tiger’s cap to you, sir.

PAPA JOHN’S: Garlic Sauce, bitch.

You’re a Garlic Sauce bitch, that’s why. You want that Garlic Sauce, don’t you? That’s why we all order it. Everyone’s weak for that shit. That sweet bitch in a cup. What is it? No one knows. But I’ve done enough research to tell you that it’s not butter. It’s a delicious chemical mixture that adds up to 17 grams of fat and flavor.  I mean, who thinks it’s okay to dip pizza in butter? No one. But what about fake butter flavored chemical fat? Papa John does. “Better ingredients, better pizza, dip your pizza in this garlic shit. Papa John’s.”

Or maybe you’re just a Peyton Manning fan. If that’s the case, you have to respect a man’s sports allegiances.

CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN:  Oh, you fancy, huh?

Fuck outta here, snob. Grow a pair. Beverly Hills bullshit.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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