======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Communicating with a child is one of the most difficult parts about parenting, at any age really. I’d imagine conversations later in my kid’s life like “Why is this weed in your sock drawer?” or “What do you mean Tony Romo isn’t the most underappreciated player in NFL history?” will require certain levels of tactfulness in order to best get across the parenting point that needs to be made.
However, navigating conversation with a toddler is a whole different set of hurdles. Toddlers are so sweet and innocent to the world, something you have to remember when talking to them. They’re also some of the most frustrating creatures on the planet, and half my time is spent biting my fist trying not to let the frustration leak out to someone who doesn’t always fully grasp the concept of the amount of irritation they’re causing me.
While outwardly I do my best in situations of toddler conflict to take a gentle but firm, and mostly positive tone, inwardly sometimes I’m just losing my damn mind.
Scenario: Dueling over what he’s eating for dinner.
What I Say: No, you can’t go pick out something else, this is what’s for dinner and you need to eat it.
What I Mean: Listen here, bud, you’re eating every single bite of this damn dinner because you made a verbal agreement that you’d eat it. You’re not shimmying over to the pantry like a dumpster diving raccoon to fill your stomach with a granola bar. No, don’t look at anyone else, this standoff is between you and me. You better inhale those carrots and that chicken on your plate before I have a fucking aneurysm.
Scenario: Driving to a destination.
What I Say: No, we aren’t there yet.
What I Mean: Yet again, we still aren’t there, and at this point, if you ask again I’m going to find a way to put you in a dog crate on the roof.
Scenario: Child is constantly getting out of his bed at bedtime with a litany of excuses.
What I Say: Okay, you’ve gone potty, your night light is on and here’s your teddy bear. Now stay in your bed, and go to sleep. Sweet dreams, buddy.
What I Mean: Son, I swear to God if you don’t stay in this damn bed I’m going to explode. I’ve walked up these stairs four times to hear you talk about your tummy hurting (it’s not) or your room being too dark (it isn’t). You know who ain’t buying that shit? This guy. I’m trying to enjoy the new season of Narcos downstairs and I can’t do that with you sprinting out of your room like there was a fucking bomb threat every five minutes.
Scenario: An episode of a TV show has ended, and he wants to watch yet another.
What I Say: No, that’s enough TV time. Let’s go outside and kick the soccer ball, do some coloring, or play in your playroom.
What I Mean: If I have to sit through one more episode of Peppa Pig I might lose every ounce of my sanity; I will literally pay you to want to do anything else.
Scenario: Child has taken a dump and is declining to wash his hands.
What I Say: Buddy, get back here and wash your hands, can’t go around playing with your toys with dirty hands from the bathroom.
What I Mean: Get your disgusting ass back in this bathroom with your poop-smelling hands right now. I will not be the parent with the kid who sprints out of the bathroom after taking a dump. I know for a fact you don’t pull this crap at preschool, no pun intended. You better come wash those damn hands or I’m gonna dunk your ass in bleach.
Scenario: Last words before bedtime.
What I Say: Sweet dreams buddy, love you.
What I Mean: You are the best thing I’ve ever done and the most worthwhile part of my existence. It is emotionally crippling to think about how deeply I love you and want the best for you. I’ll likely check on you at least once while you sleep, just to make sure you’re still breathing and to just gaze lovingly upon the most important person in my world while they peacefully dream. Please for the love of God don’t piss through your sheets and wake up me up at 3 a.m. to tell me. .
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
1. Peppa Pig is a savage and we can all learn from her.
2. I’m not crying at the end of this article, you are.
Someone is chopping a bunch of goddamn onions in here or something man.
It’s allergies. 100%
You’re the dad many of us aspire to be one day. Just hopefully not this day.
If I hadn’t gone with a character from my daughter’s favorite movie as my screenname, I would’ve gone with a character from her favorite TV show, with whom I also identify…Daddy Pig.
Good taste in movies. Idk kid’s tv shows these days.
Having a kid sounds like the scariest and most exciting thing at the same time
I feel you on all of these. Especially the bedtime excuses. I once had to spend 30 minutes jumping up and down to convince my 2 year old that the floor in her room wasn’t going to fall down.
Trying to reason with a being who doesn’t know how to reason yet is trying. I hear ya.
Thankfully I’m able to take my son most places via bicycle and he’s constantly entertained. Not fun being in traffic and they lose their pacifier and go bonkers.
The worst is when you’ve had a long week/day and you say fuck it, I’m going to get nice and drunk tonight. And you think he’s going to sleep through the night. Then you’re up at 3:00 am, still drunk, very tired, and changing diapers and having to play. It makes me curse the decision to get drunk BIG TIME.
I’m still savoring some of these basic conversations. Thinking about trying to actually teach him to be a quality member of society give me the scaries.
Also, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse FTW
I put a hard ban on MMCH at 8 months old. I can’t tolerate that show. I just can’t.
What a way to brighten up a Friday!
The filter we all aspire to have in parenthood. Good take on a Friday
#TeamPawPatrol
#BlazeAndTheMonsterMachines4Lyfe
Where else can your 5 year old learn how to properly use words like trajectory, buoyancy, and friction?!
My kid was talking about an extruder the other day, and it was because she learned it from YouTube clips about Play-Doh. Strange times.
Team UmiZumi
Also, literally everything is better than Peppa Pig
Like Wally Kazaam.
Watch some Super Why or Dora or (shudder) Caillou and you’ll be dreaming of some Peppa.
Spongebob!!!