What Girls Are Actually Thinking During Blowjobs

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“You men have no idea what we’re dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothin’.”
–Samantha Jones, “Sex and the City”

No truer words have ever been spoken by anyone in the history of ever. Giving a blowjob is something that takes a lot of dedication and concentration–it’s the equivalent of doing a great job during the last business quarter and getting zero recognition for it. It’s an under-appreciated art.

Like I mentioned in What Women Are Actually Thinking During Sex, I enjoy sex. A lot. But before passing go, before collecting $200, there are some things women are expected to perform. It’s a single play that gets the game started. And we don’t turn our brains off for that, either.

So, sit back and assume the position, gentlemen. Ladies, put your game faces on. Here we go…

This is perhaps one of the last things I would like to be doing right now. What happened to ladies first? Chivalry is dead.

I really wish I had used my Eos balm before this. The sweet mint one. I wonder how that would feel for him? Like, would it tingle?

This. Is. The. Most. Redundant. Thing. Ever.

Is this going to end with me being happy, too? Or no? I probably should’ve looked more into that before I started this.

Is this good? Is this bad? Do you like this? Should I switch it up? What’s going on up there? S.O.S.

Jesus Christ, we left Netflix on

Get it, together. Breathe. You did it. And you won’t have to do it again for another few minutes. It’s okay.

No, no, no. This is my job. Move your hand.

Yep, I glanced up there. That’s the same look your mother gives you when you’ve done something you know you shouldn’t have. You know, if your mom had a dick down her throat…

What…what are you doing? You’re trying to reach down and touch my tits, I get that, but why? Wait your turn, you’re in my way.

You’re thrusting your hips? That’s cute. Stop it.

God, giving a blowjob during the winter months is awful. You’re stopped up so you can’t breathe, then it opens up your sinuses so you’re constantly having to sniff. I feel so sexy…

I’m going to go get some ice. I’m going to let him think it’s just to fuck with him using varying temperatures, but really I’m just parched and need to get rid of this pube stuck down my throat.

Yep. Yeah, I see those fists clinching. That’s what I like to see.

QUIT TOUCHING MY HEAD. Would you like to play a game? It’s called “every time you touch my head I’m going to graze your penis with my teeth.”

What year is it? This has been forever.

“Don’t forget my balls.” Trust me, there’s no way that I could… They’re right in front of my face. No missin’ ‘em.

Okay, time to get to work.

I’m going to pull my hair up with both hands while performing like the boss I am. Look, Ma! No hands! LOL, I’m so funny.

*complimentary nose to pelvis deep throat times six*

*gags*

Don’t throw up on his dick. No, whatever you do. DO NOT THROW UP ON HIS DICK.

*burps* When did I eat pizza?

A little ball action with my hand, a little dick action with my mouth. I’m such a good multi-tasker.

EUREKA! His dick is pulsating. We’re getting close to the finish line here, people.

Keep it up, girl. You’re almost there.

TMJ is such a burden.

“Here it comes.” YEAH, LET’S DO THIS.

Ohh, I regret those words. I regret them so much and so soon.

This tastes terrible. And spicy. What do you eat?

Are you done? Is there more? I’m afraid to pull up for fear of you putting an eye out.

Moment of truth. You have to swallow it and then act like it ain’t no thing. Even though it is. It is most definitely a thing.

Let me take a sip of this water that was once a cup of ice cubes while you take a breather.

Now that we’ve gotten this out of the way, let’s bang.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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