Some headlines jump out at you not because of how outlandish they are, but by how predictable they are. Remember when ESPN reported that Jose Fernandez had cocaine and alcohol in his system when he died? This was not surprising because I had already read the words “fatal boating accident in Miami,” and we can safely assume cocaine and alcohol is present in every Miami boating accident.
So when I read a headline like, “French Clothing Heiress Swindled by Colorado Psychic,” I just lean back in my chair and thank the universe that stereotypes exist for a reason and that there is a balance to all things. Because of course that happened. This week, a woman was sentenced to ten years probation and forced to pay back all of the money she received from her former client, the 20-year-old daughter of the Lacoste family, and CU Boulder student. Ms. Lacoste (her name’s not given so this is what I’m going to call her) began seeing Becky Ann Lee in 2014 for, and I quote, “spiritual adviser to work on her Chakra balancing.”
First of all, the one thing more Boulder than this story is riding a $10,000 road bike to the only Whole Foods in Colorado that sells liquor. Second of all, if your psychic’s name is basically trailer park madlibs, she’s not a real psychic. Also, psychics aren’t real. But millions of people also followed a meth-smoking gigolo-masturbating megapreacher in Colorado Springs, so it’s safe to say Coloradans have certain blinders when it comes to answers from a higher power.
But what can we learn from this situation, other than the fact that “CU Boulder Student and French Clothing Heiress” is a fuckable title, up there with “Dutch Professional Beach Volleyball Player” and “PGP Contributor Charlie Walker.” Well for one, Becky Ann made a bunch of JV business mistakes.
Now, the Lacoste family is probably no stranger to scams, or possibly scamolas. They got rich by slapping an alligator onto some shit and charging $100 for it. But Becky Ann only got popped because she lacked foresight.
Becky Ann convinced Ms. Lacoste to purchase a whole bunch of gold coins for rituals, because of course. Instead of just continuing to grift this new age idiot, Becky Ann took all those coins and sold them off, at a pawn shop no less. Becky Ann was clearly just greedy and had never heard of Customer Lifetime Value, or CLV.
Whenever one of you yammering idiots repeats the phrase “shooters shoot,” this is what it looks like: you cash out your whole program and run to the nearest pawn shop. While shooters shoot, hunters maximize their opportunities. If this means laying in the cut for a while to make sure you get the maximum amount of revenue out of the nitwit that magically fell into your lap, then that’s what you do. It’s just good business..
[via Denver Post]
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