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I went to all the effort of teasing girls and making assumptions about them based on their choice of adult beverage a few weeks ago. As I’ve claimed before, I’m a rational feminist (your oxymoron jokes in the comments will be very clever, I’m sure) so I feel like it would be wholly unfair of me if I didn’t do the same thing for the men. If you read this and think, “Yeah, maybe most guys who drink that are like that, but not me,” it’s not because you’re special, it’s because you have no self-awareness. Enjoy.
Scotch, Neat
He started drinking scotch in college because he had aspirations of being some sort of business big shot. He may or may not be actually making money now, but that’s not the point. He’s putting on the air of sophistication. You know what confident, successful people drink? Whatever the fuck they want. I’m not saying that all guys who drink scotch are doing it as an affectation, I’m just saying I’ve never met a “scotch, neat” drinker in his twenties that I liked.
Gin and Tonic
This guy’s a total wildcard. As I’ve mentioned in other columns, only experienced drinkers like gin. It’s just a fact. However, there’s no way of gauging what point he’s at in his drinking career. He could just be a salty old pro who’s mostly hung up his raging cleats and just coasts on what he likes, or he could suck down six of them in the first half hour and start whipping the whole bar into a lather. Either way, keep your eye on him.
Light Beer
He hasn’t let go of college yet. Sure, he could just be poor, but even that in and of itself also signals he hasn’t let go of college yet. Expect a backwards hat and an oxford shirt one size too large. In addition, he’s drinking beer for quantity, which is never a good thing, because he’s going to take nine years to piss and he probably won’t wash his hands.
Red Bull Vodka
He’s just drinking it long enough for the cocaine to show up. Fuck that guy.
Old Fashioned
This is the drink of choice for guys who like good bourbon, but don’t want to broadcast a snob vibe. It’s got orange and simple syrup in it, so it’s pretty sweet, but not so sweet that it creates a headache out of thin air. The old fashioned guy is usually the most laid back dude at the bar, and probably doesn’t hit on any girls at all. The only time he gets tail is from drunk girls with no options, or the off-chance a girl comes up to him because her friends are annoying her.
Craft Beer
Fans of good beer are so hard to parse. Even the guy who looks like the most pretentious person around–his beard is topped off with mustache wax, he’s wearing tight, rolled short sleeves, and he has banged up canvas shoes–can often turn out to be the nicest guy in the bar. Despite the hipster and snobbish associations, I’ve actually found that beer connoisseurs are much easier to talk to than whiskey experts. Beer guys understand that not everyone wants to stand around on a Friday night talking about hops and ABV and fermentation levels. If you show just the right amount of interest, you’ll get some great beer recommendations out of him.
Respond
Whiskey Ginger…
Says the guy wearing a backwards hat and an oxford shirt one size too large
I tend to stick to scotch neat while I’m waiting for my cocaine, but that’s just me.
So what category would you fit in? I’ll admit it…I’m a light beer guy. No shame. Miller lights all night on this guy.
You clearly have no respect for your taste buds
Nothing worse than a beer snob.
Scotch neat… with a cigar
I think Manhattans fall somewhere in between the scotch neat drinkers and the old fashioned drinkers.
Woodford (preferably Double Oaked), rocks.
In reference to gin and tonics, I’d like to quote Ron Swanson, “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
Jesus, Knox, I keep finding myself nodding my head vigorously at your shit.