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At around this time last year, I looked at the road closures and the traffic and thought to myself, “You know what? I’m going to run the Chicago Marathon next year.” Registration wasn’t quite open yet, but I sat at my desk for a few weeks thinking about crossing the finish line. Friends and family waiting with signs and shouting my name, “Ultralight Beam” by Kanye West plays in the background. The world slows down, fades to black, and like Forrest Gump, I don’t feel like running anymore.
I never registered for the marathon. Didn’t even come close.
In fact, I pretty much did the opposite. I tried to get in shape at the beginning of 2017, but that all went to shit once summer rolled around. It’s a weird cycle, you know? You start the year off working hard to get in shape for the summer, and then once it rolls around you spend all of your time drinking and eating outside that you forget what exercise even is.
And so when my mom texted me a few days ago and asked me if I was interested in running a half-marathon, I emphatically responded with a yes. That is, after my third try getting out of bed and looking at myself in the mirror to see if I had any muscle definition left.
I’m not exactly sure how many “oh shit” moments come along with half-marathons. I’m positive that there are at least three, culminating in the “Oh shit, I just ran 13.1 miles” moment. The first two are experienced within around thirty seconds of each other.
The first “oh shit” moment is the “Oh shit, it costs that much to register for something like this?” Thank God I had a promo code, otherwise I’d be paying out the ass for this thing. Honestly, the cost is the one thing about running events that never made sense to me.
I get the idea of challenging yourself physically and mentally to feel rewarded at the end, and I get the idea of how these become addicting due to that rewarding feeling. But if I’m just strapping up some shoes and running kind of far, why should I have to pay you $100+ for that? I’m the one that’s doing all the work here. You just printed out my number and gave me a banana at the end. Something seems off about that.
The second “oh shit” moment is the “Oh shit, now I have to actually prepare for this” moment. Now, I will say that exercise is a habit that you can build upon, starting out slow and gradually working out more often at a higher level of difficulty. But you know what else is a killer habit? Not exercising and ordering delivery falafel sandwiches while watching Big Little Lies.
There really are so many things that go into preparing for running long distance that I didn’t even think about until after I pulled the trigger. This half-marathon is in the spring, so that means I’m going to have to train during the winter. Plus, I don’t care what you say, running on a treadmill is simply not the same as running outside. That means I’m going to have to add thermal leggings, socks, a jacket, and all of that to my shopping list. Plus nipple tape, just because I think it’s a funny thing to say and it gets dry in the winter and I don’t want my nips bleeding all over the place.
And that’s only the training portion. This means I’m going to actually have to start changing my diet up. We’re talking major lifestyle changes here. I can’t bank on the ramen at work for lunch anymore. I might have to actually start meal prepping like a full-blown adult, and honestly, that scares me a little bit.
I think the thing that scares me the most about this whole thing is that I’ll get bored during it. I mean, I can barely sit through a movie without losing focus, so to be running for a few hours seems like a huge mental challenge in that capacity too. Not to mention, it’s in Indianapolis too. I’ve never been to Indianapolis, but I can’t imagine it being too terribly scenic.
Complaints aside, I’m sure there are going to be tons of “oh shit” moments along the way. Like porn or a perfect turd, I’m not sure how to describe them, but I’ll know when I see them. Only time will tell, but one thing I can promise: there’s no turning back now. .
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Step one to running a marathon: You start running. There is not step two
-Barnabus Stinson
Jogging is the worst. I mean I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?
Don’t forget to post your training updates on Facebook. People really appreciate those in their feed.
And don’t forget to tell us you’re going to the event, either
Have you put a 13.1 sticker on your car yet???
Charlie, I like your writing, man. But don’t become the “tell everyone I’m running a half marathon” guy. Everyone hates that guy.
I think I would get too distracted by the endless corn stalks on either side of the road and then I’d veer off into the abyss and try to find out how Corn Pops are made because those things are amazing and then I’d probably get lost and die from absolute boredom
They still make Corn Pops?
I’m fat and still managed to do a tough mudder hungover. You’ll be fine.
If you’re doing the Indy Mini it’s a great race, I ran it a few years ago. It’s super flat and well organized. It’s also huge so you’re never alone on the course.
And you get to do a lap at Indianapolis Motor Speedway which is pretty dope. Haven’t ran it, but it’s on my list
I did the Indy Mini a few years ago… its a cool route, getting to run around the track at Speedway is awesome. But by mile 10 I wanted to die.
Good luck!
My friend recently asked me to be a pacer for him when he runs an ultra marathon in March, that means I have to get into marathon shape. I’ve only run a handful of times since I ran a marathon in 2014 just to prove that I could do it. Getting back into cardio shape sucks.
Good snacks are absolutely critical to strong ultra performance