Air travel is disgusting. Nevermind the fact that there are countless people in any given airport firing off tweets to airlines complaining about their five-minute delays. Forget about the fact that you have to wait for about sixteen different boarding groups before your group, Group B (which seems like it would be second to board), is allowed to board. And let’s skip the part where we talk about TSA agents taking you to third base.
I’m here to talk about germs.
Airlines, generally, are filthy. Puke bags just sitting on the back of every seat. People hacking up lungs in the middle of a pressurized cabin. Filth-covered handrails on escalators. Bare feet sliding all over security checks. And now? We’ve got people pooping in fucking blankets.
We need to talk about this.
I. Delta’s Response
Delta’s response is the most “mail it in” response I’ve ever seen.
I don’t know who *LS is, but you have to love that she’s all aboard the “fuck it” express with a one-way ticket to “I don’t care.” Sure, she could probably reach out to a higher-up and get this problem solved considering Nicole Byer is verified on Twitter with 215,000 followers, but at the same time, she could also pass this off to a poor flight attendant who’s probably already gotten an earful.
II. Is this actually a piece of poop?
Now, I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt here because I want to believe that she wouldn’t just pull the situation out of her ass. All the pun intended. But at the same time, it is Conspiracy Thursday and I do want some answers. She’s already confronted the fact that this photo is grainy as hell because she didn’t want to get close to said poop, but at the same time, I feel like you need to present the appropriate evidence in order to get the appropriate response.
Upon first glance, I actually thought this was a chihuahua. I’m not sure what kind of person would have an in-flight chihuahua service dog, but I’ve seen worse. But, as I said, it’s Conspiracy Thursday so we need to take this one step further.
III. Is it possible that this is actually her poop?
Hear me out.
Okay, this is completely hypothetical, but let’s just say that you’re on an airplane and all of the sudden had to use the bathroom. You look up and see a line waiting. You look back – same thing. You look on your lap and spot a blanket. The lightbulb goes off – “What if I just pooped in this blanket?” Again, just hear me out.
Let’s just say you decide to poop in the blanket while the person next to you is either in the bathroom or mingling with their friends. Suddenly, that person returns to the seat and you’re sitting there with a piece of poop in your blanket. What’s your move? Here, I’ll help. You have two options.
First, you own up to pooping in your blanket. You’re embarrassed, but only until the flight lands barring anyone tweeting out a picture of you and your poop blanket.
Second, you freak out. You have no idea what to do because you just made the piss-poor decision of pooping in a blanket on a public airline. What do you do? You lie. You tell your seatmate that this isn’t, in fact, your poop. You act disgusted. You cause a scene. You call over a flight attendant and own your lie. Next thing you know, people urge you to take it a step further. “Have you tweeted this at them?” one piece of millennial scum asks you while you’re sitting there holding your poop in an airline blanket. “Well, shit, now I have to tweet it or people will think I’m lying,” you think to yourself. Next thing you know, you’re in conversation with Delta about finding a random piece of poop in your blanket that is actually your poop.
Likely? No. Possible? Without a doubt. But at the end of the day, you probably shouldn’t use an airline blanket in the first place. Those things are disgusting enough as it is. .