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Work is hard. Reporting to a drab office every day, sitting in a cube the size of a chicken coop, and only being allowed 30 minutes of freedom throughout an eight-hour timespan (if you’re lucky) for five days a week (if you’re lucky) is just so hard, isn’t it?
Listen, I get it. But I like work. And I like money. And I like nice things. I also like the idea of marriage and kids, but my future plans are devoted to chasing the green rain.
There is plenty of luxury out there, and I am looking for someone to enjoy it with me. But if I’m going to be holding up the financial end of the household, I am going to need a qualified applicant to carry the other end. Since yesterday’s confession, I have been recieving inquiries on where to apply. Because I believe in a fair shot for everyone, I created this comprehensive application designed to communicate everything you have to offer in this regard.
If you think you have what it takes, answer the below questions and send them to me at PGPBest@gmail.com.
What is your age, location, and current occupation?
Are you just out of college and looking to be set for life without ever getting your hands dirty? Or have you been in the 9-5 grind for so long that your soul is only 15% intact compared to when you first started? Either way, I would love to hear your story.
What is your interior decorating history?
One of the truest measures of a trophy spouse is their ability to turn a simple building into a home. Does your current furniture neatly coordinate, or is your decorating style more eclectic? Have you ever attached a broken-down Keystone Light 30-rack to your wall as decoration? When was the last time you displayed a Pulp Fiction poster?
Here is also a good place to show off some of your ideas for your dream living space. For example: what colors would you choose for our living room? How do you plan on navigating the many art auctions I will send you to? Are you a sofa-and-loveseat lifer or do you fuck with L-shaped? Don’t be shy.
What is your parenting style?
Kids might not happen for a while, but if and when the day comes, I’m going to need you to be their day-one A1. Tell me your diaper changing experience, your driving record, your plan of action for potty training. Can I count on you to send me Snapchats of them doing cute things? Which teams will you raise them to be a fan of? Which sports will you have them play?
Speaking of sports, how is your spiral?
I hope you’re okay with raising D-I athletes, because that is what we are doing. Here might be a good time to mention your height, vertical, which sports you played growing up, how far you went in said sports, any relevant stats, your current workout regimen, etc.
I will also need an idea of how you will react in high-pressure sports-parent situations. How good are you at convincing a little league umpire that a ball was actually a strike? How will you react when the hockey mom on the opposing team’s side blatantly provokes her son to drop ours? The only obligation I plan on having as The Rich One is a monetary donation to the team (securing our kid a starting slot, if necessary) and attending a minimum of three games per season. This means you are on Capri-Sun-and-orange-slices duty. I am going to need to know you can take this on without being micromanaged.
What is your best home-cooked meal?
Is it a store-bought rotisserie chicken? Boxed mashed potatoes? Stouffer’s lasagna? If so, I am going to need a major willingness to learn. If you come wielding a bangin’ stroganoff recipe, can whip up a homemade salsa that punches my sinuses out, or can knock out a bundt cake from scratch, I want to hear from you.
Use the following words in a sentence:
“Dutch oven”
“Succulent”
“Nut grinder”
“Caulk”
Miscellaneous:
Any bald or balding family members?
Riding or push lawnmower?
Ideal number of dogs?
Still down? Please send completed applications, along with your Instagram handle (you had to know I am going to be a little bit shallow), to PGPBest@gmail.com. Your submissions will remain anonymous..
Respond
Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
tina_mihel
@Best, We’re going to need a resume, head shot, and most recent paycheck before we place you this high on a pedestal
Insta handle is in the bio, fam. As for credentials, I went to the same high school as the Damn Daniel kid, so I think that says all you need to know.
Oh shit
Time to show off how incredibly average I am.
I’m out guys, all my guns are illegal in California.
Anonymous submissions? What fun is that? Post those babies.
That shit is getting posted. I just won’t publish names or email addresses to protect the privacy of my future family.
thats very nice of you now pick me
I thought you and devin had been ship’d already
I mean, how can you turn down the drug room that’s lavishly decorated with eclectic items from world cultures and designed with modern lines and abstract edges that flow in harmony as you spiral out of control while laying on the sheep’s wool carpet as Black Mountain’s Mothers of the Sun blares through the surround sound? Can’t forget the Dark Side of the Moon prism and with the fractals of light exploding through it. Oh, and I use a push mower so that my legs are strong and my cardio is up to par for when I need to run away from my problems.
I think she’s just doing this for formality purposes.
This is the first time in my life I wish I had an Instagram.
You definitely should.
I already rejoined twitter for the PGP crew…
For this, or just in general? I mean Best is by no means ugly.
I’ve never had twitter or insta, I’m hoping it makes me appear distinguished
get on that bro
You win. I’ll shoot you an application when I get a chance today.
I’m not saying I’ve put less effort into actual applications, but this was finally a job I can be passionate about.
Just submitted mine a few minutes ago and put more effort into it than any actual work today. I’ll only be disappointed if she picks nobody.
Now that I know there are women out there that want this, I’m pretty sure you just ruined my life by setting my new life goal beyond reach. Thanks for that.
6’3 225 ex-college football player, full head of hair, have a dog. Sup?
Huge guy, ex-athlete, can’t read simple instructs. Yo Tine I found your guy!
Sup
Cut him some slack, people with CTE having memory problems