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I remember a time not too long ago when Venmo did not exist. Paying people back for anything – whether it was food, a few beers, or drugs – was a royal pain in the ass. “I’ll get you back tomorrow there aren’t any ATMs around here” was a phrase that got tossed around a lot.
“Let me just buy you a couple rounds at the bar.”
“I get paid next Friday just give me a week.”
The long and short of it was that friendships were being strained because Friend A wanted an eighth of kush for the weekend but didn’t have any cash on him. Friend B happened to be there with cash and fronted Friend A for the cost of the eighth. Friend A and Friend B go back to an apartment to smoke aforementioned kush, and Friend B doesn’t get paid back for the eighth because he’s too polite to ask for the money he’s owed.
That was then, though. It’s 2017 now, baby. And while I myself believe that Chase Quickpay is the only way to virtually send money, I realize that not everyone has a Chase account. “Just Venmo, me. I’ll pick the tab up.”
Venmo turned paying your friends back into a social activity. You can try and be discreet by making the payment description an emoji of a snowflake, but we all know what that is for.
Ten months ago, I Venmo’d a girl forty dollars for Plan B with the description “kale salad *salad emoji*.” Pretty reasonable, right? I didn’t want to pay a girl forty bucks and have the description read “baby killer” or simply “Plan B.”
Guess what happened? She got mad at me because when she transferred the forty dollars into her account she couldn’t remember what it was for.
Text message (from memory) from 2016 regarding Plan B pill:
Her: “Why didn’t you just make it a private payment and put plan b on it?”
Me: “I didn’t know that was an option, sorry.”
Her: “Lose my number.”
And that’s just me. I’m sure there are much worse horror stories than mine regarding Plan B payments on Venmo. What I’m trying to say is that Venmo is nothing more than Twitter for transactions involving cocaine, weed, booze, food, and prophylactics. Sure, you’ll see people paying for things like “rent” and “utilities + heat for this month” but we all know those people are either 1) huge losers or 2) people trying to cover up their drug habit. You’ll never convince me that people are paying bills on Venmo. I still use paper checks for utilities and rent. Can’t trust online payment unless of course it’s through Chase QuickPay.
Allison L. payed Margaret H. for “water and electric” three times this month? Really Allison? You sure that wasn’t so you could get in on the “medical” weed your roommate keeps buying from that guy who she sleeps with occasionally? You’re not fooling anyone, Allison. And maybe Margaret should consider buying her weed in bulk so you don’t have to keep sending her payments for ten dollars everytime you want to smoke some dope.
Remember when Snapchat had the feature which would tell you who each person’s “top three” friends were? That was how we all made rash judgements about who was having sex with who at the moment. It sucked when Snapchat eliminated that feature, but Venmo picked up right where they left off. Jared and Alexandria aren’t paying each other for stuff like “*wine emoji* x3” and “bottles at club paris *kissy face emoji*” two or three times a week because they’re friends. They’re fucking, and everyone can see it on their feed.
It’s not that I hate that people are using fake descriptions to try and cover up their crippling addictions. It’s amusing to get on Venmo and just scroll through to see what kind of drugs people are buying.
Mike H. payed Sam C. for “*nose emoji* *eight-ball emoji*”
Samantha D. payed Erica S. for “party supplies *winky face emoji*”
Like, come on, you guys. Either start sending people Venmo payments for what you’re actually buying i.e. “gram of weed,” “adderall for the night,” and “half-gallon of grey goose.” Or, at least, get way more creative with your descriptions. Enough with this facade. No one on Venmo is paying for anything other than drugs, alcohol, or maybe bar food and you won’t convince me of anything different. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
You know, condoms are cheaper than plan B.
JD is raw dogging chicks who apparently do it so often they can’t remember who owes them money for plan B, so……..I don’t think logic is his strong suit at 2:30 am.
I’m not a medical professional but out of curiosity I’d be hella interested in seeing what his blood work is like.
Venmo receipt for 100 bucks for a shot of antibiotics or a prescription for Valtrex is in JD’s near future.
Wanna set up a GoFund Me? I’ll contribute.
Do it. i’ll go live on ig at the doctors office if you get enough money
You’d probably get a STD just by looking at his workup.
Nah, that’d make way too much sense
I feel like “lose my number” is how most of Duda’s interactions with girls eventually wind up.
requesting $20-$100 from a blackout buddy just to see if they’d drunkenly accept was always a good time back when the app came out
You’re a monster.
We do that with uber splits between our college buddies all over the country… 1 out of every 20 might work, but it’s worth the laugh when it hits
“Lose my number”……………goodness
Realizing I’ve read your last few articles before on tumblr #DudaStrong
Venmo pro tip: Venmo will flag certain words in payment captions in accordance with the Office of Foreign Assets Control within the Treasury Department. I picked up a buddy’s lunch, and he Venmo’d a few bucks for his “Cuban sandwich.” The payment was flagged, and he had to explain the transaction via email to Venmo before it went through.
This is definitely true. My dumbass buddy decided he would caption the transaction “Donation to North Korean Nuclear Program” and needless to say he had a fun chat with the folks over at Venmo about that one
Definitely true, we have a restaurant called Havana 59 here and my payment for dinner got flagged. Annoying but hilarious
I don’t know if Venmo monitors for gambling, but PayPal does. A friend of mine runs pools for the golf majors and once got his PayPal account shut down because of gambling activity. He now includes “do not mention the pool in the memo line” in the payment instructions on the entry sheet.
There is no way that’s true.
Maybe not for “cuban sandwich” but they definitely do monitor and flag certain words.
Every single financial transaction is monitored by software that looks for patterns, anomalies, key words in memos, descriptions, etc. The only safe way to transact is with cash. And even then all withdrawals are monitored for large amounts or patterns. Stay woke Duda.
Pro tip: use generic memos like dinner/rent/bills
(source: I work in anti-money laundering)
Does putting a single period in as the memo raise a red flag? That’s what the friend whom I’m asking for does when he buys illicit substances.
The payment was flagged for containing the word “Cuban.” That ordeal was how I learned of the entire issue. You’d think if I were making it up I would’ve gone with a more clear cut and suspicious example.
All these mobile app/tech assholes always trying to make the world a better place. Guys, I bet they didn’t know that the illegal drug trade is another leading cause in the deforestation of the Rainforest. The only way to solve this problem is to grow your own god damn weed and stop buying it from Dennis down the street. We all know a guy like Dennis, fuck all the Dennis’. Not like literally fuck them but like don’t buy drugs from them
Never change Devin.
Go away
Aw, Jimbo you’re taking these literal and too seriously aren’t you? I remember when I used to be a dumbass but then I grew up and started donating clothes to the local shelter to help impoverished kids in my neighborhood in order to prop up property values so we could get that moneyyyyyy
The circle of life
WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE?
Use Venmo to pay my rent. My landlord can be considered a Gen Y/Millenial tweener so it works out. Also venmo her for the noise complaint fines levied by the condo board. It works out.
Because you’re blaring Bob Seger all day, right?
Only if its been remixed by the Chainsmokers
Don’t even joke about that
Is there a rule that PGP writers have to sound like a cop whenever they write about weed?
You mean grass?
You a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Definitely a place for paying off lost wagers.