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I don’t know about you but I dread office break rooms and it’s for one very simple reason: I don’t want to get asked questions about what I’m eating.
Anyone who works in an office setting should know about the delicate dance that is preparing food in the break room. In a perfect world, getting your lunch ready for consumption would be something done in private, but for most of us work is a hellscape and this is simply not the case.
Questions from your most obnoxious coworkers come in droves as you’re jockeying for space at the break room counter to spread mustard and mayo on a slab of bread for your turkey sandwich.
“What’s that you’re making over there, John? Bring enough for everyone or what? HAHA!”
There aren’t a lot of things I hate about office culture more than the jokes that go along with whatever it is you decided to bring for lunch on a particular workday. You probably don’t know it, but your coworkers are judging you everytime you order out or bring something from home for lunch. I know the age-old adage about how you shouldn’t care what other people think about what you drink or eat, but it’s human nature to care.
Here, in no particular order, are a list of lunches that you’ve all brought in to work at some point and what your coworkers are thinking about you.
Sandwich with some sort of deli meat
I don’t know about you, but I prefer to make a sandwich from scratch at the time of consumption. I don’t like making it in the morning because the bread and ingredients become soggy by the time I’m ready to eat it around noon, so I’ll usually just bring the turkey, condiments, cheese, and bread separately in my lunch box. Bringing this meal in for lunch gets begrudging respect from coworkers. You’re a person who knows the importance of saving money by not eating out every day for lunch, and nothing screams relatable quite like a ham/swiss or turkey/provolone combo. Just make sure you don’t forget the Ruffles all-dressed potato chips.
Grilled chicken salad, light dressing, and veggies
To your face, your coworkers – the boss man, Janice the 50-year-old divorcee from payroll, the mid-30s guy (probably named Kevin) in I.T. – are heaping compliments on you. They’re watching you toss that salad in the break room and giving you high praise for eating such a nutritious and well-balanced meal. But behind your back and under their breath they’re saying stuff like “Who the hell does he/she think they are? What a stuck up bitch. Walking around this place thinking they’re better because they’re eating a fucking salad. Give me a break.” These people are out of shape and have miserable lives. Keep doing you and never let anyone shame you for eating right. Take those fake compliments in stride and eat that salad with pride at your desk while you pretend to work through lunch.
Leftover pasta from last night
This is the dish that is going to get you a lot of genuine compliments from mothers in the office with like, three or four kids. They’ll ask you if you like to cook and what kind of pasta you like, and then you’ll have to fake like you really love cooking when in reality this pasta was the only thing left in your cupboard because you were too hungover last weekend to hit the grocery store. No one is going to be talking shit behind your back for this one unless it’s out of pure jealousy because your penne with meat sauce is making the break room smell like a goddamn Olive Garden.
Jimmy Johns
You lazy motherfucker. Either you packed a lunch the night prior and completely forgot to grab it from your refrigerator this morning or you were just too lazy to bring anything in today. Either way, the order from Jimmy Johns causes a domino effect in the office. The poor bastard who delivered your sub is going to be making at least one return trip within the hour because a couple of other people in the office saw you get your sub and they’re now thinking about how good an Italian Nightclub with salt and vinegar chips sounds. If anything, you’re going to get a few pats on the back for reminding everyone about how Jimmy Johns exists.
Air
You didn’t forget to bring your lunch to work today. You blew through your last paycheck this past weekend and now it’s Monday afternoon. You sit in silence at your desk and instead of ordering out, you skip lunch entirely because you tell yourself that you don’t deserve to eat today after the shit that you pulled on Saturday night. Bask in your debauchery and atone for your sins by not eating anything for lunch but the free mints from the lobby downstairs. Your coworkers will know something is wrong because you aren’t eating anything, but they’ll be too scared to say anything to you because you’ve had the same death stare going on since you walked in late at 8:50 a.m. this morning. .
Image via Unsplash
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
You should bring in a fondue set and treat yourself to a 2 hour lunch while watching YouTube videos without headphones
Jimmy Johns is TRRAAASSHHH. Go to Potbelly like a decent human being.
Firehouse fan checking in
My youngest brother worked at firehouse and One time I walked in with my other 2 brothers and we pretended we were robbing the place when he was working. The two teenage girls working with him started crying and his manager actually legit pissed himself. He somehow knew it was us the whole time and was like goddamn it. After like 2 minutes one of us started laughing and we stopped the whole ordeal.
Yea he got fired and we had to pay for his prom.
name checks out
Respectable.
Wawa hoagie fan checking in
I’m a big fan of the local Italian or Jewish sandwich shop
Or you get lucky and have an Italian Jewish family with a sandwich shop nearby. Or you live in New York.
Pub subs or bust
Except there isn’t a potbelly close to my office. There is a chipotle though so whenever I have extra time on my lunch every once in a while I go to chipotle.
You have my thoughts and prayers in this difficult time.
Whichwich, not even close.
My eight-year-old nephew loves which which and I’ve gone there once, it’s pretty good
I purposefully shame people at work who get Jimmy Johns. Also their CEO kills/used to kill exotic animals for fun so, bye.
Brave. Thank you for your service.
Had to laugh at this, fair.
Yeah but those delivery times…
You know trophy hunting raises millions of dollars for conservation, right? And that the animals killed are genetically useless due to age or illness.
You sound like fun
Used to work with a woman who would heat up tilapia and broccoli or asparagus in the break room fridge. Every. Single. Day. Surprisingly, she couldn’t ever figure out why no one liked her.
**Microwave. Fridge is the opposite of microwave you idiot.
I love this so much
Work at a Catholic grade school- 10/10 not looking forward to Lent for that reason.
Rico, off topic question: I saw someone with the vanity plate “rum runner” recently. Was that you?
Regrettably, no.
Usually an air lunch kinda guy myself, but a favorite hobby of mine when I stay late is rat-fucking candy off the desks of those slobs who keep a pot of M&Ms or fun size Snickers. That’s kinda like lunch, right?
They say there’s only 1 thief in the Marine Corps, are you the thief?
lol I said I ate candy, not crayons, navy 4 lyfe bruh
Hahaha true enough. Fair winds and following seas Mr. Munson!
Thanks for having me over, Mr Dolphin! Have yourself a fine navy day.
I’ve never had the issue of a pre made sandwich becoming soggy. Stop buying cheap lunch meats and you’ll stop having that problem
Counterpoint: I like my sloppy joes EXTRA SLOPPY.
Also, if you construct the sandwich as such, from bottom to top in your Gladware, you will ensure a non-sog sammy:
Bread, bread, condiment, cheese, meat, lettuce, tomato. It’s that cheese barrier between meat / veggies and bread that makes all the difference
I respect attention to quality in bringing your sandwich stuff individualized in your lunchbox, but don’t be that asshole who has a whole loaf of bread, multiple full-sized condiments, deli meat and cheese, and god knows what else hogging space in the fridge.
Unless you’re sharing and gave 24 hours notice.
How the fuck did you know our IT guy’s name was Kevin
I don’t trust an IT guy who isn’t named Srinivas or Vijay or something.
See if I help you the next time you send a passive-aggressive email to us.
Excellent take on the All Dressed chips
“Wayne, how ya now?”
All dressed > ketchup
Leftover fish: do not pass go, do not collect $200, and go fuck yourself!
Sandwiches? It’s 2018 everyone knows carbs are the enemy. In my LA office most people are eating kale with a side of fat shaming.