There have already been several emails warning us about the consequences of taking a long lunch break for the Germany-United States game. PGP.

Just flirted with a sorority girl for two minutes and thought, “I still got it.” PGP.

Getting a new match on Tinder gives me the same false promise that my degree did. PGP.

Saving your college ID for its discounts until you land a big boy job. PGP.

The best part of waking up…is going back to sleep for 45 minutes on the train. PGP.

My life is now just looking forward to the next time I get drunk and hate myself for it. PGP.

Considering Kirkland Signature as a viable clothing option. PGP.

I’m seriously considering moving in with a girl I’m not that interested in just so I can save 50% on rent. PGP.

Passing out after four beers during a World Cup match between two teams you couldn’t care less about. PGP.

I spend every morning praying for Chipotle to roll out a breakfast menu. PGP.