The only way the first time shitting at a significant other’s is worse is a post-binge porcelain splatter. There is no feasible way to contain this in under two minutes, it’s guaranteed to be noisy as (literally) shit, and it will reek. Worse, you’ll feel awful for the dilapidation you just dropped, and it will absolutely follow you back to the bed you must crawl back into clouded by morning breath, post-drunk sex and now, your hangover scent. You’ll try your best to cover it up and act like you didn’t just shit your guts out, but she’s already sent out a group text to minimally 3 friends. There is no morning sex. Breakfast is awkward.
Unless she’s a one-nighter. Then blow that shit up and leave immediately. The golf course is waiting.
You forgot the golf team. These guys have been managing classes between coke binges, somehow managing a B average, probably through test banks. They graduated and got an investment banker job making 70k plus. Everyone else sucks.
Advertise
It’s okay Kansas, we’re getting closer to basketball season too.
If only Northerners knew what “Bless your heart” really meant…
Thank God for Tinder.
Guilty.
Looks like I’ll get to keep that “Memberships and Affiliations” section on my resume after all!
39. Sleeping with your boyfriend’s best friend while said boyfriend is paralyzed in a hospital.
Fuck you Lyla Garrity. Fuck you.
Friday. Night. Lights.
“Hit ‘Em Up”. Every morning. On repeat.
The only way the first time shitting at a significant other’s is worse is a post-binge porcelain splatter. There is no feasible way to contain this in under two minutes, it’s guaranteed to be noisy as (literally) shit, and it will reek. Worse, you’ll feel awful for the dilapidation you just dropped, and it will absolutely follow you back to the bed you must crawl back into clouded by morning breath, post-drunk sex and now, your hangover scent. You’ll try your best to cover it up and act like you didn’t just shit your guts out, but she’s already sent out a group text to minimally 3 friends. There is no morning sex. Breakfast is awkward.
Unless she’s a one-nighter. Then blow that shit up and leave immediately. The golf course is waiting.
You forgot the golf team. These guys have been managing classes between coke binges, somehow managing a B average, probably through test banks. They graduated and got an investment banker job making 70k plus. Everyone else sucks.
Whataburger. Always.
Dirty’s. Stillwater, OK. I’ve never known a $5 to have more value on a Thursday night.